No Fanservice, No Profit!
by Lolsnake9
Summary: It seems to be basically your normal day in the wacky DW world, until a disaster happened! Suddenly, all pretty boys and pretty girls have disappeared off the face of earth without any trace! Will the rest of the cast be able to uncover the truth and save the world?
1. Beginning of a Disaster – Wei side

**No Fanservice, No Profit!**

* * *

 **It seems to be basically your normal day in the wacky DW world, until a disaster happened! Suddenly, all pretty boys and pretty girls have disappeared off the face of earth without any trace! The lack of eye candy caused people to become disinterested in the games, forcing Koei to finally end the series for good, putting the DW world in a brink of destruction. Will the unpopular 'mature guys' (and few popular ones) be able uncover the truth and save the world?**

* * *

 _Chapter 1: Beginning of a Disaster – Wei side_

* * *

 _It just seems to be yet your another normal day in what is basically an alternate, wacky, anachronistic, nonsensical, and MAGICAL version of Ancient China. First of all, we will focus onto a blue-colored resident known as the kingdom of Wei._

* * *

 _Inside the Wei palace_

Cao Cao: **waking up** Oh, yawn…man, what a good sleep! **gets off his bed, walks towards the corridor**

Xiahou Dun: Oh, good morning cousin! You woke up a bit late than usual.

Cao Cao: Oh, morning Dun! **drinks coffee** Yeah, sorry.

Xiahou Dun: Hmph, it's alright. Anyway, you notice something weird?

Cao Cao: What is it?

Xiahou Dun: Hm, I don't know. This morning just seems to be…awfully quiet, if compared to the other mornings.

Cao Cao: Really? Hm, I never noticed that…oh, you're right!

Xiahou Dun: What is it?

Cao Cao: That's right! Usually it was Zhang He who wakes up a bit earlier than us just so that he can wake all of us up with his constant screaming of 'BEAUTIFUL!'!

Xiahou Dun: Oh, that's right! And we usually beat the crap outta him senseless…

Cao Cao: Yes. Right, maybe THAT'S the reason why I woke up a bit late today…

Xiahou Dun: Yes, yes. Weird, why didn't he do the same this morning?

Cao Cao: Meh, I don't care. It's far, FAR better if he didn't do it this morning.

Xiahou Dun: You got a point.

Cao Cao: Oh well. I'd better go to prepare breakfast.

* * *

 _15 minutes later_

Cao Cao: **putting breakfast on the table** PI! ZHENJI! YUAN! REN! BREAKFAST'S READY!

 ** _Cricket noise_**

Cao Cao: Huh? Ehem, PI! ZHENJI! YUAN! REN!

Xiahou Yuan: Hey, hey! I'm coming!

Cao Ren: Me too!

Xiahou Dun: Oh, you two are finally here!

Cao Cao: Oh, okay! Uhh…but where's Pi and Zhenji?

Xiahou Yuan: Hm? I don't know, maybe they overslept?

Cao Cao: Argh, why didn't you two also rouse them to come for breakfast when you were coming here?

Cao Ren: We're sorry.

Cao Cao: Tch. It's alright, I'll go rouse them myself. **walks towards Cao Pi and Zhenji's room, but suddenly stops and turns** Oh, and Dun, make sure NO ONE steals my special peanut butter jelly sandwich while I'm gone. **turns again**

Xiahou Dun: Understood, cousin! Hey, you two!

Xiahou Yuan and Cao Ren: Uh?

Xiahou Dun: **makes that 'I'm watching you' gesture**

Xiahou Yuan: Uhh…but you only have one eye, Dun.

Xiahou Dun: That still means that I AM watching you.

Cao Ren: Geez. Okay, okay.

* * *

 _In front of Cao Pi and Zhenji's room_

Cao Cao: **knocks door** Hey! Pi! Zhenji! Wake up! Breakfast's ready! Hey! It's already 8 o'clock in the morning! Wake up! ….tch, what the hell were they doing last night anyway?! HEY! WAKE! UP!

 _However, there's still no response._

Cao Cao: What the hell?! Tch, fine then! You left me with no choice! **freezes the door, then shatters it** PI, ZHENJI, I SWEAR IF YOU TWO DON'T WAKE UP NOW, I WILL- huh?

 _He was surprised when he found Cao Pi and Zhenji's room to be empty. The beds are messy, indicating that they were there, but the persons are nowhere to be seen._

Cao Cao: What? **scratches head** Hey! Pi! Zhenji! Come on, don't hide from me! I've already prepared you your favorite meals! Hey! Pi? **checks the shelves and cabinets** Zhenji? **checks below the beds** Tch, weird! Did they…did they escape through the window? **checks windows** They're still firmly shut. Hmm…oh well, they could've gone somewhere else and didn't come back last night. They're still youths, after all. Oh, this means I get to eat their breakfast! Hahaha! **walks back towards the dining room**

* * *

 _At the dining room_

Xiahou Dun: Hm? Oh, cousin! You've returned? Where are they?

Cao Cao: They're gone.

Xiahou Yuan: What? Gone? What, what happened? Did somebody kidnap them, or-

Cao Cao: Geez, chill down, Yuan! They weren't kidnapped, they just went out somewhere, but forgot to come back.

Cao Ren: You sure about that, cousin? Did they actually leave a note, or something?

Cao Cao: Uhhh…no. But hey, I'm not THAT paranoid to make that kind of assumption! Haha! It's alright. They're just youths. Besides, if somebody messes with them, they will freeze that guy to death! There's no need to fear anything!

Xiahou Dun: Well…that being so.

Cao Cao: Of course! Besides, I also get to eat their breakfast too! Haha! This is great!

Everyone else: **sweatdrop**

 _So, Cao Cao and his three cousins proceed to eat their breakfast without Cao Pi and Zhenji._

* * *

 _At the afternoon_

Cao Cao: Hmm…ah, I need Guo Jia to solve this problem. I'd better go look for him! **walks around the palace corridor** FENGXIAO! FENGXIAO! HEY! COME HERE! I NEED YOUR HELP!

 _ **Cricket sounds**_

Cao Cao: Huh, where is he? Usually he'll instantly teleports in front of me, but not today. Weird. HEY! FENGXIAO! GUO JIA!

 _ **More cricket sounds**_

Cao Cao: Argh! Where is he? Tch, is he going out drinking and flirting with pretty ladies? Hmmm…. **sees Jia Xu!** Oh! Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: Huh? What?

Cao Cao: Here, have you seen Guo Jia? I've been calling for him, but he didn't come! It's weird!

Jia Xu: Uh, to be frank, I too haven't seen him all day.

Cao Cao: What? That's weird.

Jia Xu: I know. Infact, he is usually the one who rouses me at every morning, but today he didn't show up at all!

Cao Cao: Have you checked his room?

Jia Xu: I have, but…it's empty.

Cao Cao: What! He disappeared too, like Cao Pi and Zhenji?!

Jia Xu: I think it's just like what you think about the latter two. They probably went out for some partying or something. Youths.

Cao Cao: Ah, yes, yes, that's right. Well then, I suppose I'll call Xun Yu.

Jia Xu: Uhh…okay, about him, sir…

Cao Cao: What?

Jia Xu: …he's missing too.

Cao Cao: WHAT! Shit, what the hell's going on here?! Suddenly my son, his wife, and my two advisors disappeared without a trace!

Jia Xu: I know, it's weird. But like I said before, maybe it's just him and Guo Jia going out to get drunk. Hey, they were childhood friends.

Cao Cao: Argh…okay, I understand. I suppose I have no choice but to ask you.

Jia Xu: About what?

Cao Cao: Here, I was thinking about the best choice for my cereal. Should I choose Corn Pops or Frosted Flakes?

Jia Xu: …shit. This feels familiar.

Cao Cao: What?! You're telling me to eat shit instead?!

Jia Xu: What? Um, no, NO! I said you should eat Corn Pops instead!

Cao Cao: Really?

Jia Xu: Yes, yes!

Cao Cao: Hmph! Fine then! Corn Pops it is!

* * *

 _At the evening_

Zhang Liao: Alright! We're going to start the drill! First of all, let's see the attendants…huh? Hey, where are Yue Jin and Li Dian?

Everyone else: **raises shoulders**

Zhang Liao: Huh. Oh well, they're probably out destroying forests or something, so that's fine.

 _After the drill is over…_

Cao Cao: So, Zhang Liao! How's the drill today?

Zhang Liao: It mostly went well, sir.

Cao Cao: 'Mostly'?

Zhang Liao: Um, yeah.

Cao Cao: What do you mean?

Zhang Liao: Uh…Yue Jin and Li Dian were absent, sir.

Cao Cao: What? Well, shit! Now there are 7 people who disappeared today! What happened?

Zhang Liao: Uh, what?

Cao Cao: Here. This morning, my son Cao Pi and his wife Zhenji were missing. This afternoon, Guo Jia and Xun Yu were missing. And now Yue Jin and Li Dian are missing too!

Jia Xu: Even weirder, sir, is that today I found that the Ma Chao statue placed at the back of the palace are perfectly intact. At the end of every other day it would always end up being destroyed and had to be replaced by a new one the next morning.

Cao Cao: Jia Xu? Wait, does that mean that?

Jia Xu: Yes. Seems like we're missing Wang Yi too.

Cao Cao: Argh! Shit! Just…just what the hell is going on here?! This means that we only have Cai Wenji as the girl around here!

Jia Xu: Hmm…ah, wait a minute, my lord.

Cao Cao: What?

Jia Xu: Here, I just noticed a pattern…so far, the missing people we have here are your son, his wife, Guo Jia and Xun Yu, as well as Yue Jin and Li Dian, and Wang Yi. Those people are either pretty boys, or fanservicey girls.

Cao Cao: So?...oh no.

 _ **BOOOOMMMM!**_

 _However, just when Cao Cao are still thinking about what's happening regarding the sudden disappearances of these people, suddenly a large green tank blasted through the Wei palace. The head of the tank opens to reveal the Shu strategist, Zhuge Liang._

Zhuge Liang: Ha! I finally got you, Cao Cao! Your greed ends here! Now, return our pretty boys and girls or I will blast your palace!

Cao Cao: What?! WHAT THE HELL?!

 ** _To Be Continued…._**

* * *

So…what really happened? Find out in the next chapters! Keep on reading, and leave a review! Good day!


	2. Beginning of a Disaster – Shu side

At the previous chapter, we've already seen the mysterious disappearances of the Wei pretty boys and girls, leaving only the old guys and a token girl Cai Wenji within the Wei kingdom. But what about Shu?

* * *

 _Chapter 2: Beginning of a Disaster – Shu side_

* * *

 _And now, we shall move on to the green-colored complex known as the kingdom of Shu. At every morning, the loyal kingdom chancellor Zhuge Liang and his wife Yueying both wake up early in order to rouse the other Shu members._

* * *

 _In front of Liu Bei and Liu Shan's bedroom_

Zhuge Liang: My lord, the sun has already risen. Please wake up.

Yueying: Yeah. You too, Liu Shan!

Zhuge Liang: My lord? My lord! Hm, weird, he usually instantly wakes up the moment I call his name.

Yueying: Maybe he was just having way too much work yesterday. He's the Emperor, you know.

Zhuge Liang: Yes, I know. As well as taking care of Liu Shan…well, let's just leave him to rest.

* * *

 _In front of the Guan children's room_

Yueying: Hello! It's a new day! Wake up, everyone! You won't live up to the legacy of your father if you're lazy! Rise and shine! ...huh, looks like they overslept as well.

Zhuge Liang: They're just children. It's alright, we'll just move on to the more mature ones instead.

* * *

 _In front of the Zhang siblings' room_

Yueying: Hello! Rise and shine, you two! Come on now, you sure don't want your father to see you like this, eh? Hello? …well, damn! What were these kids doing last night, anyway?

Zhuge Liang: Well…let's just not hope it's the same kind we used to do at the frat party, but it's alright. They're just kids.

* * *

 _So Zhuge Liang and Yueying went to prepare breakfast._

Yueying: WAKE UP, KIDS! BREAKFAST IS READY! HELLO! HEY, WAKE UP! …seriously! Did they have a hangover, or what?

Zhuge Liang: **drinks tea** Meh, it's alright. They're all way too hyperactive. They'll wake up soon, I'm sure.

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: **run toward Zhuge Liang** MASTER ZHUGE LIANG!

Zhuge Liang: **spits tea** PPFFFFTTTT! GAH! You two got tea all over my clothes!

Guan Yu: We're terribly sorry, Master, but we have terrible news!

Zhang Fei: **nods**

Zhuge Liang: Tch, what terrible news, anyway? I suppose it's just Zhao Yun accidentally destroying one of the palace pillars again… **resumes drinking tea**

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: No! This is worse than that! Our children are gone!

Zhuge Liang: **spits tea towards Yueying's face** PPPFFFTTTTT!

Yueying: HEY!

Zhuge Liang: Ah! I…I'm sorry! Argh, ehem, what did you two say?!

Guan Yu: We said, our children are gone!

Zhang Fei: Yes, yes!

Zhuge Liang: What the…how can this happen?!

Guan Yu: We do not know!

Zhang Fei: Yeah! They just disappeared without any trace whatsoever!

Zhuge Liang: What the?! Tch, let me see!

* * *

 _Inside the Guan children's room_

Yueying: Huff, this is very strange!

Zhuge Liang: I know. The bedroom is messy, which means that they definitely WERE here last night, but are suddenly missing today?!

Guan Yu: I know! Even my daughter-in-law too…

Zhuge Liang: Wait, she sleeps here?

Guan Yu: Yes, why?

Zhuge Liang: Oh, it's alright. I was just thinking if there could be some…unfortunate implications, but alright.

Yueying: Hmm…did they escape, or?

Zhuge Liang: No, no, there's no way they would escape from the palace.

Yueying: Well, maybe they could use Guan Xing to help them fly out the window or something…

Zhuge Liang: No, no, NO. That's impossible.

* * *

 _Inside the Zhang siblings' room._

Zhang Fei: I mean, look at this! How can my two beloved children disappear like that?! Waaaahhh!

Zhuge Liang: Hmmm…okay, this room is certainly a LOT more organized, so maybe we can assume that they weren't already here since yesterday?

Zhang Fei: No! They were DEFINITELY here yesterday! Besides, my girl Xingcai is a very diligent woman, she always cleans the mess in the room after Bao's hyperactive shenanigans.

Yueying: That explains it.

Zhuge Liang: Huff…okay, okay, we definitely need to calm down if we face these kinds of problem, and think of the solution. First of all, let's report this to Lord Liu Bei-

Guan Yu: MASTER ZHUGE LIANG! MASTER ZHUGE LIANG!

Zhuge Liang: Huh? Guan Yu? What is it? Your face is even redder than before.

Guan Yu: Huff, huff…I have EVEN WORSE news!

Yueying: What?

Guan Yu: Brother, brother….BROTHER IS MISSING!

Zhuge Liang, Yueying, and Zhang Fei: WHAT?!

* * *

 _The four immediately dashed towards Liu Bei and Liu Shan's room._

Zhuge Liang: No….no! NO! NOOOOO WAAAAYYYYYYYYY!

Yueying: My lord, calm down!

Zhuge Liang: GARGH! But, seriously! How can this kingdom live without Lord Liu Bei?!

Guan Yu: Um, how about-

Zhuge Liang: NO! Liu Shan isn't even a goddamn option! But he's gone too! ARGH! Who…who could've done this?!

Zhang Fei: Hey, maybe it's-

Zhuge Liang: No, NO! It's too early to jump into conclusions. But anyway, we will have to prioritize finding Lord Liu Bei at all cost! Guan Yu! Zhang Fei!

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: Huh?

Zhuge Liang: Assemble the rest of the Five Tiger Generals! We will commence an expedition to search Lord Liu Bei!

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: Understood!

* * *

 _20 minutes later_

Guan Yu: Master Zhuge Liang!

Zhuge Liang: Oh, you're back! So?

Zhang Fei: We…we're terribly sorry for saying this, but…

Guan Yu: Zhao Yun and Ma Chao are missing too!

Zhuge Liang: WHAT?!

Huang Zhong: Oy! So there you are! You said something about our lord being missing?

Zhuge Liang: No….even Zhao Yun?! Tch, this is a disaster, indeed! He's the poster boy! Without him, the entire world is doomed!

Huang Zhong: Eh, it's alright! I could always fill the spot when needed!

Everyone else: **sweatdrop**

Zhuge Liang: Okay, let's ignore that cranky old man for a second. Huff…okay, that makes it for, what, no less than ELEVEN people who suddenly disappeared today?!

Yueying: Maybe we can ask Ma Dai. He's literally with Ma Chao all the time. Maybe he knows where his cousin's gone to.

Zhuge Liang: Ah, yes, good point. Call Ma Dai at once!

Guan Yu: Uh, regarding that, sir…

Zhuge Liang: What?! You mean he disappeared too?!

Guan Yu: ….yes.

Zhuge Liang: …OH. MY. GOD! **slaps forehead** WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE I CAN RELY ON?!

Yueying: Hey, you still got me!

Zhuge Liang: I know! But, huff…oh, wait! That's right! I could ask Pang Tong, Xu Shu, and Fa Zheng for this!

Pang Tong: You callin for me?

Zhuge Liang: WHOA! Hey, the hell you suddenly came here without any rhyme or reason?!

Pang Tong: Well, I heard a lot of screaming and raging in the morning, so I suppose I came here to check what the fuck is going on. Hearing you calling for me, I just came here.

Zhuge Liang: Uhh…okay. Pang Tong, we're facing a great problem here-

Pang Tong: Yeah, I know. It's about the missing pretty boys and girls, right?

Zhuge Liang: Eh? How do you know?

Pang Tong: Well, first, because I'm Pang Tong. And second, well, it's because of those missing rooms. I checked whose rooms they are, and connected the dots.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, right. Hmm…that's correct! Pretty boys and pretty girls! How come I never thought of that? And...wait a minute! This means that Xu Shu and Fa Zheng are missing too!

Pang Tong: Exactly.

Zhuge Liang: Shit! And now…oh no. **runs towards the rooms**

* * *

 _Inside Jiang Wei's room_

Zhuge Liang: JIANG WEI! **opens door** …no. NO! Jiang Wei too! Argh, how come all of this happened so suddenly?! There're bunch of scrolls here, let's see…tch, some calculus shit again?

Yueying: My lord…

Zhuge Liang: Seriously! This way we practically lost almost our entire kingdom! This is bad. REALLY bad. Alright, hold a conference for the remaining Shu members! We need to discuss this or there'll be a disaster.

Yueying: Um, don't you think that this IS already a disaster?

Zhuge Liang: …a WORSE disaster.

Yueying: Okay, okay!

* * *

 _At the conference hall_

Zhuge Liang: Okay, first of all, let's see who are present here. Hmm…me, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, that old man nobody cares about, Pang Tong, urgh…Wei Yan, my wife, and…well fuck, that's practically it! There are only SEVEN of us! Seriously! **smashes his fist against the desk**

Yueying: Ah! My lord, be careful or you'll break the desk!

Zhuge Liang: But this situation has gotten REALLY dire! Argh! **covers his face** Huff…if we don't do something, then the kingdom of Shu will die! We won't be able to spread BENEVOLENCE to the world anymore!

Yueying: My lord, calm down. You're the mighty strategist of Shu. You can help us.

Zhuge Liang: Huff…you're right, you're right. Okay, first of all, I need to declare something.

Everyone else: Hm?

Zhuge Liang: I'm sure all of you already know what's going on here. Suddenly our stash of pretty boys and girls are gone without any trace! Even Lord Liu Bei! So…in order to keep this kingdom alive, I will temporarily take control here!

Zhang Fei: What the?! Hey, that's illegal!

Guan Yu: Yeah! You just can't take the throne yourself! You're not even related to our brother!

Zhuge Liang: Hey, I'm not taking the throne! I'm just-

Wei Yan: You…rebel…must…die!

Zhuge Liang: Shut the hell up Wei Yan! You hypocrite! Huff…okay, okay! First of all, I'm NOT taking the throne! I'm simply taking temporary control here as the leader of Shu, but not it's Emperor, okay! And second, even Lord Liu Bei himself told me to just take control myself if his son Liu Shan turned out to be a complete fuckball!

Pang Tong: And turns out, he did. So why didn't you obey Lord Liu Bei's command?

Zhuge Liang: Well, that's because- Argh! You know what, forget it! The one thing we need to focus on here is to think of what might've possibly caused all of this! Any ideas?

Huang Zhong: **raises hand** Ooh! I know! I know!

Zhuge Liang: Oh my god, it's him…okay, what do you say?

Huang Zhong: Well, maybe they are just out doing some kind of a frat party! Yeah, I mean come on, they're just youths! Haha! Aahhh, I surely do remember my last frat party, it was a load of fun! It happened way before this bullshit about the falling Han dynasty happened!

Zhuge Liang: Oh god… **facepalm** When he starts to recall the old days, NOTHING can ever stop him.

Yueying: Let's just leave him be, then.

Zhuge Liang: Yes, yes. Okay, any others?

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: Ooh! OOH! WE KNOW!

Zhuge Liang: Yes, what is it?

Guan Yu: Maybe those youngsters kidnapped our brother and his son to start a rebellion!

Zhang Fei: Yeah! After all, they've been a majority in our kingdom even though they were once a minority!

Guan Yu: You know that's not a good sign. They will depose our brother and start their own 'rad youngster'-filled kingdom!

Zhang Fei: But we KNOW that we, the veterans, certainly won't lose to them that easily!

Zhuge Liang: You know, this theory you two proposed is somehow even more absurd than Huang Zhong's. SOMEHOW. Next!

Pang Tong: ….

Zhuge Liang: Hey! HEY! **smashes his fist against the table**

Pang Tong: WHOAAA! **falls off chair** OUCH! That hurts!

Zhuge Liang: Why in the hell you're SLEEPING during this?! This is a very serious matter!

Pang Tong: Gah…so…rry…but anyway, I suppose I know the reason.

Zhuge Liang: What?

Pang Tong: They were kidnapped by those crazy-ass fangirls and fanboys! It's the most logical explanation, after all!

Zhuge Liang: What?! Argh, Pang Tong! It's too early to break the fourth wall! Nope! Next!

Wei Yan: I….know…

Zhuge Liang: Oh my god, it's him….sigh, fine. He's our last guy here anyway. What?

Wei Yan: Wei…kidnapped…them. Our….pretty boys….pretty girls….many….they….few….

Zhuge Liang: Wei? Wait a minute…we have lots of pretty boys and pretty girls, and they only have few…okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Wei Yan's right!

Everyone else: Huh? How?

Zhuge Liang: It's all clear now! Now, we know that Wei is the kingdom with the least amount of pretty boys-

Yueying: Uhh…how about Other?

Zhuge Liang: They're not even a kingdom! Okay, and since we have a LOT of them, Wei has kidnapped our stock of pretty boys in order to, um, 'refresh the scenery'! And about those pretty girls, well, Cao Cao. You can pretty much expect it from him.

Guan Yu: So, does this mean that?

Zhuge Liang: Yes! Okay, everyone, we will march onto Wei in order to reclaim our pretty boys and pretty girls back! They won't get away with this bullshit!

Zhang Fei: Oh my, this is great!

Zhuge Liang: Of course! And, I guess this is also the time I got to use this almighty tank you built, Yueying.

Yueying: Hell yes!

Zhuge Liang: Alright! Everyone, move onto the basement!

Everyone else: YOOSH!

* * *

 _Inside the Shu palace basement_

Guan Yu: Whoooaaa! Well, damn! I never knew we got THIS level of advanced weaponry!

Zhuge Liang: Ahahahaha! I know right! You can thank for all that to my dear wife, Yueying.

Zhang Fei: But still, I don't understand. If that's so then why didn't we use it in our battles?

Guan Yu: Yeah! I mean, look at all this hot shit! We could've conquered the entire China in less than a second using these!

Zhuge Liang: Pssshh! Remember, we will ONLY use this if it's ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL. They're VERY dangerous!

Zhang Fei: But those battles were crucial too!

Zhuge Liang: Well, THIS is MORE crucial! Argh, forget it.

Huang Zhong: Hmph! Stupid youngsters and their stupid fancy gadgets! When I was your age, I… **continues blabbing about the past**

Zhuge Liang: Oh my god, he's at it again! Argh!

Pang Tong: Well, he's irrelevant anyway, so let's just ignore him.

Zhuge Liang: You're right. Okay, here we are!

Pang Tong: WHOA! Holy hot DAMN, SIR! That's one huge-ass tank!

Yueying: Hahaha! Of course! It took me TEN years to build this baby!

Zhuge Liang: Yeah! Alright! Everyone, jump in! **jumps into cockpit**

Yueying: Ha! **jumps into cockpit**

Guan Yu: Hm! **jumps into cockpit**

Zhang Fei: Hyah! **jumps into cockpit**

Pang Tong: Hoop! **jumps into cockpit**

Wei Yan: Wait…for…me! **jumps into cockpit**

Huang Zhong: …and let me tell you, we didn't have all this fancy Musous! We used ONLY our fists, and- Hey! Everyone's in already?! Come on, wait! **jumps into cockpit** Oof! My body…

Zhuge Liang: Okay! Now that everybody's in, let's go!

 _And so the giant Shu tank busted through the palace, scaring off many civilians._

Zhuge Liang: Hahaha! This is fun! Okay, Wei, you will NOT escape this time!

* * *

 _Fast forward to the front of the Wei palace, at evening…_

Zhuge Liang: Okay! CANNON FIRE!

 _ **BOOOOMMMM** **!**_

Zhuge Liang: Ha! I finally got you, Cao Cao! Your greed ends here! Now, return our pretty boys and girls or I will blast your palace!

Cao Cao: What?! WHAT THE HELL?!

Zhuge Liang: Hah! Don't play dumb with me! I'll blast your fucking face! **points cannon to Cao Cao's face**

Cao Cao: AAAHHH! I…I don't know what are you talking about!

Xiahou Dun: Hey! Stay away from my lord! **grabs weapon**

Zhuge Liang: Take this! **fires cannon**

Xiahou Dun: What?! Tch! HYAH! **slices cannonball in half** Hah! Nice try, motherfuckers!

Zhuge Liang: Ooohhh….shiiiittttt.

Xiahou Dun: HYAAAHHHHH! **unleashes Musou, which slices the tank in many pieces, causing it to crumble down and revealing the Shu members inside the cockpit**

Zhuge Liang: **widens eyes** …..shit.

Pang Tong: So much for the 'almighty tank', eh.

Zhuge Liang: Shut the fuck up.

Xiahou Dun: TAKE THIS!

Zhuge Liang: AAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Hold your weapons!

Xiahou Dun: Jia Xu? Why? These Shu twats are trying to destroy this palace!

Jia Xu: Now, now, this is not the time to recklessly fight each other. Perhaps we should try asking them nicely why would they attack this place?

Cao Cao: Jia Xu? Well, we're eternal enemies! It's only natural that they would attack us!

Jia Xu: Ahaha! No, no, that is not what I mean. Here, I heard that he was saying something about pretty boys and pretty girls, ain't he?

Xiahou Dun: Yes?

Jia Xu: Then, it's clear! Perhaps they're also having the same problem we're currently having right now. Maybe we can ask them for some clues!

Cao Cao: Hmm…good point! Now, Zhuge Liang, may I ask the reason why you suddenly attacked us?

Zhuge Liang: This morning, suddenly all of our stash of pretty boy and pretty girls disappeared! And we concluded that it was you who kidnapped them due to your scarcity of pretty boys! Also, you, Cao Cao, must've also kidnapped the pretty girls to keep them as your bitches, as well! It's obvious!

Cao Cao: Holy crap, so we're suffering the same problem, indeed!

Zhuge Liang: What? You're also having this, too?

Cao Cao: Yes! My son Cao Pi, his wife Zhenji, my two advisors Guo Jia and Xun Yu, Wang Yi, as well as three of my best generals Zhang He, Yue Jin, and Li Dian have all disappeared, as well!

Zhuge Liang: All of those you've mentioned are pretty boys and pretty girls…I see! So we have the same problem! Only because your faction are mostly composed of old guys anyway their disappearance don't matter much, I guess.

Cao Cao: Sigh…yes, I know.

Zhuge Liang: Yeah, but look at us! Ever since our pretty boy and pretty girls disappeared, there're essentially only SEVEN of us!

Xiahou Dun: BWAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Man, poor you.

Cao Cao: Do you have some clues as to where they've gone to?

Zhuge Liang: That's precisely the reason why I even attacked you at the first place! I thought you kidnapped them! Huff…well, there are other theories, but they're so fucking nonsensical it's not even worth it.

Cao Cao: Hmm…really strange indeed!

 _However, just at that moment, Deng Ai, Zhuge Dan, and Guo Huai suddenly emerged from the palace floor._

Deng Ai: Huff…

Zhuge Dan: WHOOO! MAN! That was quite a trip!

Guo Huai: Cough! Cough! Argh…I think…I think I'm gonna die…

Cao Cao: AAAAHHHH! WHO, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! WHY DID YOU SUDDENLY POP OUT OF THE FLOOR?!

Deng Ai: Eh? Oh, we're sorry, Lord Cao Cao!

Zhuge Dan: Yeah…we were taking an underground trip, hehe…

Guo Huai: Being pinched between these two guys REALLY made my condition worse…

Zhuge Liang: Wait a minute…you three are from Jin, right?

Zhuge Dan: Oh, hi there cousin! As a matter of fact, yes.

Zhuge Liang: Hmm…why there are only three of you? …oh, wait! Don't tell me that you?!

Deng Ai: Yeah, well, we came here to Wei because suddenly almost the entire Jin kingdom disappeared! Only three of us remained!

Guo Huai: At last…to be able to come back to the Wei I used to know…now I can die in peace…

Zhuge Liang: Hey, hey! Don't die just yet!

Cao Cao: I see…so it seems that all of the factions have this very same problem! I wonder about Wu and Other…

 _Suddenly, another chunk of the Wei palace walls were destroyed. Once the dust was cleared, it reveals Sun Jian, Lu Bu, and whole other guys at the Wu kingdom._

Sun Jian: Alright! Cao Cao! I know what you intend! Return our boys and girls or I'll fry your ass alive!

Lu Bu: GRAAAAAARRGHHH! GIMME BACK MY GIRLS!

Cao Cao: **jawdrop**

Zhuge Liang: Seems like we have a bit of company here…

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

So, how the three other factions fared? To find out, please keep on reading and leave a review! Good day!


	3. Beginning of a Disaster – Wu side

_And now, how did it go for Wu, who is infamously known as the 'pretty kingdom' (at least before 7)?_

* * *

 _Chapter 3: Beginning of a Disaster – Wu side_

* * *

 _And now, let's focus on the red-colored residence, known as the kingdom of Wu._

* * *

 _Inside the Wu palace_

Sun Jian: Aaaahhhh…what a beautiful morning! The sun is so bright, and the tiger cubs are running around in the front garden in the most heart-sickeningly adorable way! **drinks coffee** What could possibly go wrong-

Sun Ce: **inside his room** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sun Jian: **spits his coffee** PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Sun Ce: **runs towards Sun Jian** FATHER! FATHERRRRR!

Sun Jian: GYAH! CE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, SCREAMING LIKE THAT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?!

Sun Ce: AAAHHH! Argh, I'm sorry father, but I have terrible, TERRIBLE news!

Sun Jian: What terrible news anyway?!

Sun Ce: Daqiao…Daqiao's gone, father!

Sun Jian: What? How's that possible?! She sleeps in the same bed as you!

Sun Ce: Precisely! Which is why I was extremely shocked upon finding that she's missing when I woke up!

Sun Jian: Tch…okay, but really, maybe she woke up early to prepare things for you?

Sun Ce: Eh? She did?

Sun Jian: Well, of course! It's what a proper housewife is expected to do, after all! So you really don't need to go all psycho-paranoid like that!

Sun Ce: Oh, yeah! Haha! Silly me!

Sun Jian: Sigh…yeah, that's definitely my Ce. Now, aren't your siblings the one who always wake up earlier than you? Did they overslept or something?

Sun Ce: Well…probably! After all, last night all three of us, along with Zhou Yu, and our wives, were up all night playing PES 2016! And I, the Little Conqueror, prevailed as expected! Dem suckers got nuttin' on me! HAHAHA!

Sun Jian: What? Well, THAT explained all the curses and raging I heard last night! You little kids kept me awake!

Sun Ce: Really? Hahaha…sorry, dad!

Sun Jian: Hmph, it's alright.

* * *

 _30 minutes later_

Sun Jian: Hmm…say, I'm hungry now.

Sun Ce: Me too.

Sun Jian: Well, usually at this time there's breakfast here, right?

Sun Ce: Well, Daqiao is the one who prepares them! But since she's gone, I suppose I'll prepare the breakfast instea-

Sun Jian: What?! Argh, nonononononononononono, my son.

Sun Ce: Huh? Why?

Sun Jian: Because of, errr….

Sun Ce: Why? Why? Is it because my food tastes like cinder, or what?!

Sun Jian: Er, no! It's because, I, err…because I thought that we ran out of ingredients! Yeah!

Sun Ce: Oh, it's alright. Daqiao has already bought a truck-load of them while grocery shopping last week, after all! Enough for two whole months! Haha!

Sun Jian: Er…yeah, yeah!

* * *

 _15 minutes later_

Sun Ce: Okay, breakfast's ready!

Sun Jian: Sweet! What did you make?

Sun Ce: Hm? Well, just a classic recipe, the good 'ol ham and egg!

Sun Jian: Oh, that's nice! And I…er…..

Sun Ce: What, dad? You don't like it?

Sun Jian: Err…no, no! It honestly looks delicious! I can't wait to eat them, definitely!

Sun Ce: Oh, that's great! Haha, okay, I'd better go to wake Quan and Shangxiang up first, okay!

Sun Jian: Yeah, yeah! Great! (Shit…forgive me, my children….)

In front of Sun Quan and Lianshi's room

Sun Ce: Okay, Quan! Wake up! It's a new day, after all! Gotta have new spirit! Hey, you too, Lianshi!...hey, hey! Wake up! Tch, what's with them this morning?! …OKAY, YOU TWO! HYAAAHHHH! **smashes door** …huh?! What?! Quan, Lianshi…they, THEY'RE GONE! AAAHHH! FATHER!

Sun Jian: Wha?! Hey, calm your balls down! What happened?!

Sun Ce: It's, it's…Quan and his wife are missing!

Sun Jian: WHAT?! Them too?! Let me see! …WHAT THE FUCK?! Where have they gone to?!

Sun Ce: I dunno! They just disappeared without any trace like Daqiao! This is bad!

Sun Jian: Argh…no, no, let's just calm down and think with a cool head, okay!

Sun Ce: Cool head? But we're from Wu, father, there's no such thing as cool he-

Sun Jian: It's a fucking metaphor! Okay, okay, first of all, let's make sure that your sister is safe, okay!

Sun Ce: Okay, okay, got it!

In front of SSX's room.

Sun Ce: **frantically knocks door** Shangxiang! SHANGXIANG! Hey, WAKE UP! **door opens** …GASP! No…WAY! SHANGXIANG TOO?!

Sun Jian: Son!

Sun Ce: Father, she's missing too!

Sun Jian: WHAT?! Shit, shit, shitshitshitshitSHIT! What the hell happened?!

Sun Ce: I do not know!

Sun Jian: Argh! …okay, in this case, we better gather up our advisors to ask how to deal with this! Ce, you go meet Zhou Yu and the three Lu's to explain what happened! (Well, good! At least they don't get to eat Ce's 'breakfast'…)

Sun Ce: Right away, dad!

In front of Zhou Yu's room

Sun Ce: Zhou Yu! ZHOU YU! WAKE UP! We have a VERY urgent matter here! We need your help! ….what?! No…way! Him and Xiaoqiao too?! Argh, what is going on here?!

* * *

 _In front of the three Lu's room_

Sun Ce: Okay! Hmmm…okay, all three of them sleep in the same room? And they aren't families either…argh, the hell you're thinking?! Hey, HEY! LU XUN! LU MENG! LU SU! ANYBODY CAN HEAR ME?!

Lu Meng: **opens door** Yawn…gee, what's the hurry, Lord Sun Ce?

Lu Su: Yeah, I mean, it's 8 o'clock in the morning!

Sun Ce: Argh, okay, I don't have time to explain here, but you three just have to meet my father down there! We have a very urgent problem here!

Lu Meng: Is that so? Well then, let's go Master Lu Su!

Lu Su: Okay! But wait…

Lu Meng: Huh?

Lu Su: W-where's Lu Xun?

Lu Meng: Eh? I thought that he's already woken up…

 _Lu Meng and Lu Su turned around to look for Lu Xun, only to later find his bed to be empty._

Lu Meng and Lu Su: LU XUN?!

Sun Ce: Eh? So?

Lu Meng: No…this can't be…

Lu Su: Well, shit. If this be it, then…

Sun Ce: Oy! What's going on here? Where's Lu Xun?

Lu Meng: Argh, sorry, Lord Sun Ce, but he's gone!

Sun Ce: WHAT?! HIM TOO?!

Lu Su: What do you mean, 'him too'?

Sun Ce: Huff…okay, the matter I and dad need to talk to you about is the sudden mysterious disappearances of a couple of people here in Wu. First of all is my wife, Daqiao. Then my brother and his wife, my sister, Zhou Yu and his wife, and now my son-in-law as well! Argh, what is going on here?!

Lu Meng: …hey, wait a minute. Hey, Master Lu Su, you're thinking what I'm thinking?

Lu Su: …yes, Lu Meng.

 _The two Lu's ran to Zhu Ran's room, only to find it to be empty._

Lu Meng: ….shit.

Lu Su: Double shit.

Lu Meng: Oh my god...this can't be true. Master Lu Su, you check on Gan Ning's room! I'll check on Ling Tong's!

Lu Su: Right!

Lu Meng: **runs inside Gan Ning's room** Oh no, he's gone! There are bunch of bells and miniature ships around, but...

Lu Su: **runs inside Ling Tong's room** Gone!

Lu Meng: Master!

Lu Su: Gone.

Lu Meng: Shit, this is REALLY bad. First, Lu Xun and Zhu Ran are gone, and now those two. Argh, we definitely need to do something! Let's go, Master Lu Su!

Lu Su: Right!

Lu Meng: Okay, Lord Sun Ce, we'll help you in solving this problem!

Sun Ce: Really? Sweet! Okay, let's go down and talk to my dad!

Lu Su: **nods**

* * *

 _At the conference hall_

Sun Jian: Huff…okay, gentlemen, I suppose you all already know why you're here.

Sun Ce: Right, first of all, let's list all the guys here, shall we? Umm…okay, there's Taishi Ci, my dad, Lu Meng, me, Huang Gai, Zhou Tai, Ding Feng, and Lu Su. That makes it for, what? EIGHT people left! What the fuck!

Han Dang: H-hey! You forgot me!

Sun Ce: Oh, sorry. Ehem, so that makes it NINE. That's still too few! Seriously!

Sun Jian: I know, sigh…this is a disaster. We Wu are all united as a family. To suddenly lose our kingdom members is a serious problem. We need to find them quickly before we'll be flattened by a sudden attack from either Wei or Shu!

Lu Meng: True. Especially Lu Xun. If he really DID go with Zhu Ran to somewhere place this morning….

Lu Su: In short words, a fucking catastrophe.

Lu Meng: True, true. Gan Ning and Ling Tong, too, are missing. Sigh…I'm worried what those two will do without me around the keep them from killing each other….

Huang Gai: Hah! Those fire-loving youths, you say? Hm! I'd say it would be fine! If they went over to burn down the Wei and Shu, we will gain another great victory without even fighting! It goes to show that the burning spirit of Wu can't die!

Taishi Ci: Seriously, that doesn't even have anything to do with the problem we're facing right now.

Sun Ce: Exactly! Look, guys, this is simply not the time to worry about Wei and Shu, okay! This is a FAR more serious problem! We've been long standing as the most fangirl-attracting kingdom thanks to our pretty boys! Without them, then our fanbase will leave us! We'll be doomed!

Sun Jian: Up until that Wei knock-off came and stole our status, anyway…

Sun Ce: Still, we have to think what might've possibly caused all of this! **slams the desk, causing it to shatter into pieces** …whoops.

Sun Jian: GRAH! Ce, what the hell did you do?!

Sun Ce: What?! Come on, father, it was accidental!

Sun Jian: But, still! You shoulda KNOWN that you have so much fucking strength! You have to be careful! Gah, you have no idea how expensive this one desk is…

Sun Ce: Tch, even Quan also sliced one in two! Anyway, any ideas? Hello?

Lu Meng: Hmm…my lord!

Sun Jian: Yes?

Lu Meng: It could be very well possible that Wei has kidnapped them.

Sun Ce: Kidnapped? What?

Lu Su: It's a possibility. After all, we all know that Cao Cao is practically unable to keep his boner in place.

Huang Gai: It could be very well that it's the payback for what we did to him at Chibi!

Lu Meng: Yes, it could be nothing else. Hell, him wanting the two Qiaos are the reason why he even went to Chibi at the first place!

Sun Ce : WHAT?! Grrrhhh…..CAO CAO! I WON'T FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!

Han Dang: Hey, hey, hey! All of these assumptions seem to be way far off! I mean, come on, who knows if Wei and Shu are having this very same problem, too?

Taishi Ci: So, what do you think, my lord?

Sun Jian: Hmmm….I suppose it's settled. Very well then, in that case, let us march to Wei and have our pretty boys and girls back! Let's go, my people!

Sun Ce: OF COURSE! That fucking creepy old man will NOT touch my dear Daqiao!

Everyone except Han Dang: YOOOOO!

Han Dang: Whaaatttt?! Hey, hey! Come on! Didn't any of you listen to me?! Aw, seriously! Psshh, I suppose there's nothing I can do about it…oh well…

* * *

 _And so the Wu people marched to the Wei palace. They hid behind the bushes to avoid being seen._

Sun Jian: Okay, we have to be careful. Zhou Tai, check the situation!

Zhou Tai: Okay. Hmm…all clear.

Sun Ce: Alright! Let's bust through the palace, father!

Zhou Tai: Hmm…ah! Shit!

Sun Ce: Wha?! What is it, Zhou Tai?! Tell me!

Zhou Tai: Lu…Bu. Lu Bu is here.

Sun Ce: THE FUCK?! Aw, shit, I knew it when Zhou Tai starts to swear, something REALLY bad is afoot…

Sun Jian: Lu Bu, you say?! Well, fuck! Ah, he's coming near us! Duck!

 _So the Wu people managed to avoid catching the eyes of Lu Bu, who's marching straight towards the Wei palace._

Sun Jian: Hm…so he seems to have the same motivation as us.

Sun Ce: You mean he's also lost the pretty boys and girls?

Sun Jian: Quite possibly. Though, given that the Other doesn't even have pretty boys, maybe he lost only Diaochan…

Lu Meng: Hmm…look! He's going to smash through the palace walls! This is our chance to gain free entrance to the palace!

Taishi Ci: Eh? You serious?

Lu Meng: Of course! Look, there's absolutely no fucking way we can bust through the palace walls by ourselves, and now that he's arrived here to do it, then good for us!

Lu Su: Then again, don't you think it's a bit underhanded to use other people to our advantage?

Lu Meng: Meh, it's good! Come, let's go!

Lu Bu: HYAAAARRRGGGHHHH! **smashes wall**

Sun Jian: Okay! Here I go! Alright! Cao Cao! I know what you intend! Return our boys and girls or I'll fry your ass alive!

Lu Bu: GRAAAAAARRGHHH! GIMME BACK MY GIRLS!

Cao Cao: **jawdrop**

Zhuge Liang: Seems like we have a bit of company here…

Sun Ce: GRAH! YOU! CAO CAO! If you ever lay as much as A FINGER on my Daqiao, I WILL snap your neck!

Lu Bu: YOU FUCKING JACKASS! WHERE'S MY DIAOCHAN AND LINGQI?!

Cao Cao: Aaaahhh! Really guys, can we just talk about this peacefully? I mean, if this goes on, you'll ruin my beautiful, majestic palace!

Sun Jian: Bah! What more could you talk about, huh?! You've kidnapped our pretty boys and girls! Everybody KNOWS that it HAD to be you?! Who else could've been responsible?!

Han Dang: Umm…hey, maybe those fangirls and fanboys?

Sun Jian: Well, NOBODY! So don't try to deny it any further! Admit it now, or I'll have Huang Gai do his job!

Han Dang: Ah, shit, he ignored ma again! Bah, whatever, I don't know.

Huang Gai: **engulfs his boat in flames**

Cao Cao: AAAHHH! FLAMING BOATS! Gyaaarrgghhh….aiiiggghhh…. **faints**

Xiahou Dun: COUSIN! Argh, that one battle REALLY left one nasty scar on his mentality…

Sun Jian: Whoa…damn. I never thought it would be THAT bad for him. Oh well. Now that Cao Cao's incapacitated, we shall rescue our boys and girls! Everyone, FORWARD!

Everyone in Wu: YOOOOOO!

Sun Jian: Quan, Shangxiang, hang on there!

Sun Ce: Zhou Yu, Daqiao, I'll save you!

Lu Meng: Lu Xun! Zhu Ran! Gan Ning! Ling Tong! Don't burn anything or kill each other just yet!

Lu Bu: DIAOOOOCHAAAAAANNNNN! LINGQIIIIIII!

Xiahou Dun: Tch! NO! I WILL NOT LET YOU PASS!

Han Dang: Come on guys, can't we just settle down and handle this peacefully?! HEY! Come on, why isn't ANYBODY listening to me?!

Zhou Tai: …

Zhuge Liang: Grrrhhhhh…..okay, THAT'S IT! EVERYONE! ENOUGH! CALM! THE FUCK! DOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNNNN! **continues to scream that it caused earthquakes and glasses to shatter**

Everyone: **stops and jawdrops**

Zhuge Liang: Pant…pant…pant…now…where were we?

Pang Tong: ….holy hot daammmmmnnnnn…..whoa….

Yueying: Hell yes! Now THAT'S my husband! Haha! Well, his normal voice is already enough to cause orgasms, but who knows it could be THIS epic?!

Zhang Fei: Whoa! Tch, bitch, I could do better than that!

Zhuge Dan: Woo-hoo! Now that's my cousin! Yeah! NOBODY messes with the Dragon! Now THAT'S what you call a REAL 'Dragonsong', right?!

Sun Jian: Well…shit…a dragon's roar is mightier than a tiger's, eh.

Zhuge Liang: Huff…okay. Now that everybody's calmed down, let us talk over this. So, we Shu and Wei suddenly lost our stash of pretty boys and pretty girls this morning. And, judging by your actions, it seems that Wu, Jin, and Other is suffering the same problem, too, yes?

Sun Jian: Hm, correct!

Lu Bu: Yes!

Zhuge Dan: Correct!

Zhuge Liang: Hmm…so it's true. Seems like ALL kingdoms are suffering this. Mysterious disappearance of the pretty boys and girls…however, while it's unknown what have caused this, Cao Cao did NOT kidnap those pretty boys and girls!

Sun Jian: What! You serious?!

Zhuge Liang: Yes!

Lu Bu: Ah! Don't tell me you've sided with him!

Zhuge Liang: Sigh…NO, Lu Bu! There's no way Shu would ever ally itself with Wei!

Lu Bu: Hmph, good for you then, or else I would shove my halberd through your ass.

Zhuge Liang: I know… **shudder** That sounds creepy, anyway.

Sun Jian: Hm, well, that being so. In that case, we're sorry for bothering you.

Lu Meng: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! Are you really being honest with us here, or that this really is just your ploy to keep our pretty boys and girls as YOURS, instead?

Zhuge Liang: What? The hell would I do that?! I already have enough pretty boys anyway, there's no need to keep some more.

Lu Meng: Well, who knows? After all, you've had ALWAYS refused to return what's ours!

Guan Yu: Hey!

Zhuge Liang: Tch! Alright, cut that crap out! Don't fight inside this palace! Now, what's important now in that we need to use all of our strength necessary to overcome this problem!

Cao Cao: Arrrgghhh….guhhh….

Xiahou Dun: Ah, cousin! You're awake!

Cao Cao: Uhh…Dun? You…you sure those flames are gone?

Xiahou Dun: It's alright cousin, it's alright.

Cao Cao: Guhhh…okay, then…

Zhuge Liang: Hm? Oh, Cao Cao, you're finally awake.

Cao Cao: Of course. Okay…now, what business we have here?

Zhuge Liang: Well, we-

 _Just when Zhuge Liang attempted to finish his sentence, suddenly another large chunk of the Wei palace walls was busted. When the dust clears, it reveals the Nanman king on the elephant, Meng Huo._

Meng Huo: Hah! Alright! Now, where are those green twats?! Hmm…hah! I've found you, Zhuge Liang! You can't escape from me this time! Tell me where you've hidden my beloved Zhurong, NOW!

Zhuge Liang: Wait, what?!

Cao Cao: Aaaaaa….my palace…. **faints**

Xiahou Dun: GAAAHHH! COUSIN!

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

* * *

So! As always, please keep on reading to find out what happened, and leave a review as well! Good day!


	4. Beginning of a Disaster – Jin side

_Now, we shall focus to the unofficial 'fourth' kingdom who stole the 'pretty kingdom' status from Wu, Jin!_

* * *

 _Chapter 4: Beginning of a Disaster – Jin_

* * *

 _And now, after focusing onto the three large complexes Wei, Shu, and Wu, we shall move on to a very small, secluded, and urban residence known as the kingdom of Jin. This small kingdom is hidden behind the massive residence of Wei, which caused it to be isolated from the others, not helped by the massive wall barricading the entire kingdom. However, it's also known to be the most technologically-advanced kingdom._

* * *

 _Inside the Jin palace_

Deng Ai: Aaah….what a beautiful, and peaceful morning we have here…wait, peaceful? That doesn't make any sense…usually Lord Sima Yi wakes up earlier than everybody else to spread his glorious evil laugh throughout the entire palace…but not today…weird.

Zhuge Dan: Hey, what are you pondering about?

Deng Ai: Hm? Oh, Zhuge Dan! It's you! I never expected that.

Zhuge Dan: What do you mean?

Deng Ai: Well, I mean, it's usually Zhong Hui who just walks up to me and starts bothering me with his incessant speeches of him 'being the chosen one', or some shit like that…

Zhuge Dan: Heh, right.

Deng Ai: By the way, you notice anything strange?

Zhuge Dan: What?

Deng Ai: I don't know, today just feels so, quiet…too quiet.

Zhuge Dan: Hmm...you're sorta right! I mean, in the morning, we usually have Lord Sima Yi laughing maniacally that wakes everyone up only to be silenced by his wife, Sima Shi obsessing over baozi again, Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji bickering, and Xiahou Ba bothering Guo Huai again…hmm…

Deng Ai: Exactly…er.

Zhuge Dan: What?

Deng Ai: Emm….Zhuge Dan, I have a bad feeling about this.

Zhuge Dan: Really?

Deng Ai: Yes. Okay, I need to confirm something. **runs away**

Zhuge Dan: Huh? Hey, wait!

* * *

 _In the CCTV room_

Zhuge Dan: Whoa! Hey, wait a minute! Pant…pant…

Deng Ai: **checking the CCTVs on each room** …what?!

Zhuge Dan: W-what is it? Is something wrong?

Deng Ai: Look at this! EVERY SINGLE ROOM is missing!

Zhuge Dan: W-what?! Oh my god, does this mean that EVERYONE except us are missing?!

Deng Ai: It seems so.

Zhuge Dan: What the…how can this happen?!

Deng Ai: I don't know myself. Maybe if we check on the CCTVs recordings, we might be able to see what happened from yesterday night up until this morning.

Zhuge Dan: Ah, good idea.

Deng Ai: Okay. First of all, we'll check on Lord Sima Yi and Lady Zhang Chunhua's room first.

Zhuge Dan: Okay. Hmm...okay, that's when they first entered the room, they were bickering, and…wait, is that Lord Sima Yi holding a bra?

Deng Ai: Yes, it is.

Zhuge Dan: Uhh…yeah.

Deng Ai: And now she's beating him up. They soon finished, and went to sleep. Okay, let's fast forward things up a bit…huh?!

Zhuge Dan: Wait, what?!

Deng Ai: Zhuge Dan, you saw what I've just seen?

Zhuge Dan: Yes, yes!

Deng Ai: Right! I mean, what the hell?! They LITERALLY just disappeared like that!

Zhuge Dan: I know, like a ghost! Wait, maybe we just have to see the recording again to see if we missed anything?

Deng Ai: Right, right. Okay, let's leave it right here, and…what?! Look at this! They just disappeared like a peon's corpse!

Zhuge Dan: Well, shit! That's freaky! What or WHO could've done this?!

Deng Ai: Psshh…I don't know. Okay, let's look at the other rooms.

Zhuge Dan: Right. Hmm…Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji are bickering as usual, then….OH MY GOD! SHE PINNED HIM TO THE WALL! And, and…what! They literally disappeared without any trace as well!

Deng Ai: You're right, huff…Zhong Hui, Sima Shi, Xiahou Ba, Jia Chong and Wen Yang too. This is bad.

Zhuge Dan: I know! Hmm…oh, wait!

Deng Ai: What?

Zhuge Dan: Thank goodness, it turns out that we're not COMPLETELY alone! Look, there's Guo Huai still sleeping there!

Deng Ai: Ah, you're right…wait, what?! Argh! **runs away**

Zhuge Dan: Huh?! Hey, waiiiittt!

* * *

 _Inside Guo Huai's room_

Deng Ai: GUO HUAI! WAKE UP! WAKEEE UPPP! …oh…NO!

Zhuge Dan: What?!

Deng Ai: **sniff** Tch…I never thought this day would come…Master Guo Huai, your marvelous deeds shall be remembered through the generations- **shot**

Zhuge Dan: AAAHHHH!

Guo Huai: Cough! Cough…I'm…not…dead! You idiot! Stop that! Cough! Cough! Argh…

Deng Ai: Errggghhh…I'm….sorry…

Zhuge Dan: Ah! Okay, Master Guo Huai, now that you're not dead, we need to tell you a TERRIBLE news!

Guo Huai: Hm? What news?

Deng Ai: Suddenly EVERYONE except the three of us are gone!

Guo Huai: WHAAAAAAA- Cough! Cough! Argh…how…how could this happen?!

Zhuge Dan: We seriously don't know. Even when we checked the CCTV recordings, they just show them disappearing without any reason!

Deng Ai: True, true.

Guo Huai: Oh my…. **faints**

Deng Ai: AAAHHH! MASTER GUO HUAIIIII!

Zhuge Dan: Argh, don't die yet! Noooo!

Guo Huai: Argh…I'm NOT dead! Cough, cough…okay, okay, now, judging from what you two have said, we lost effectively our ENTIRE kingdom, right?

Deng Ai and Zhuge Dan: **nods**

Guo huai: Okay, cough, now, what are we gonna do now?

Deng Ai: Hmmm…..

Zhuge Dan: Hmmm…..

 _3 hours later_

Deng Ai: Hmm…oh! I know!

Zhuge Dan: Oh! What is it?

Deng Ai: Here, maybe we could just temporarily move to Wei. It's our former faction, after all, and it's also right in front of us! Then, we could ask help from Cao Cao regarding this problem, maybe knows something.

Zhuge Dan: Ah, great idea! Well then, Master Guo Huai, please follow-

Guo Huai: **became a skeleton**

Zhuge Dan: WAAAAAHHHH! MASTER GUO HUAIIIII!

Deng Ai: Shit…looks like we've thought of this for too long…

Zhuge Dan: NOOO! Argh, what are we gonna do, WHAT ARE WE GONNA- **shot**

Deng Ai: WHOA!

Guo Huai: I'll tell you once again…I'm NOT! DEAD! Argh, cough, cough…

Zhuge Dan: Argh…but seriously! You turned into a skeleton!

Guo Huai: Well, that's actually a skeleton doll Xiahou Yuan gave me. Because I can't stand waiting for you two thinking for so goddamn long, I just put it there while I go outside to get some fresh air.

Deng Ai: **sweatdrop**

Guo Huai: But anyway, you two said that we should go to Wei to temporarily take refuge in Cao Cao, right?

Deng Ai and Zhuge Dan: **nods**

Guo Huai: Okay, but how? The entire kingdom of Jin is barricaded by this massive wall that can only be opened by Lord Sima Yi. And since he's gone….

Zhuge Dan: Oh my, that's right! So?

Deng Ai: Hmm….I got an idea.

Guo Huai: What?

Deng Ai: We should just dig an underground tunnel to get there, then. It's not far from here, after all.

Zhuge Dan: Good idea!

Deng Ai: **prepares drill-lance** Okay, stand back! **starts to drill the palace floor**

Zhuge Dan and Guo Huai: WHOA!

Deng Ai: **from underground** Okay, you two, jump!

Zhuge Dan: Well, you go first.

Guo Huai: Huh? Why me?

Zhuge Dan: Elders go first. Jump in.

Guo Huai: You crazy? I could die if I were to be pinched between you and Deng Ai! Nope! You go first!

Zhuge Dan: You!

Guo Huai: You!

Zhuge Dan: YOU!

Guo Huai: YOU- Cough! Cough!

Deng Ai: **from underground** Hey! Seriously! Stop bickering and just jump in!

Zhuge Dan: Argh, okay, old man! You left me with no choice!

Guo Huai: Oh really? What are you gonna do, huh?

Zhuge Dan: HYAH! **releases rock**

Guo Huai: WHOOP! **releases scissors**

Zhuge Dan: WOO-HOO! I WIN!

Guo Huai: What the?! Argh, seriously! I could've sworn you're about to give out paper! Shit! Shit! SHIT!

Zhuge Dan: Welp! Victory's a victory, and loss' a loss'. Now, just get yo' ass in there, you living corpse! **kicks Guo Huai inside the hole**

Guo Huai: AAAHHH! Oof! Cough, cough…hhrrrrrhhh, seriously, if it weren't for the plot this place would've been my makeshift grave…argh…

Zhuge Dan: Well, don't blame it on me! Whoop! **jumps in**

* * *

 _Underground_

Deng Ai: Okay, now, stay closely to each other and follow me wherever I go, got it?

Zhuge Dan and Guo Huai: Okay.

Deng Ai: Alright. **starts drilling again**

Guo Huai: Errmmff….oof! Hey! Be careful!

Zhuge Dan: Argh! You're too slow, so don't blame me!

Guo Huai: You! Have you no respect for elders?!

Zhuge Dan: That's because you're a sickly twat all the goddamn time.

Guo Huai: HEY!

Deng Ai: Tch, cut that out, you two!

Zhuge Dan and Guo Huai: Sorry.

Deng Ai: Good. **continues drilling, but hits something, causing him to stop** OOF!

Guo Huai: OUCH!

Zhuge Dan: ARGH! Hey, come on, why stop so suddenly?!

Deng Ai: Not my fault! Tch…there's suddenly this giant boulder blocking our way.

Guo Huai: So?

Deng Ai: We have to take an alternate route.

Zhuge Dan: But which way?

Deng Ai: Hmm….as far I can remember the path to Wei is supposed to be on the…right.

Guo Huai: You sure about that?

Deng Ai: I'm sure!

Zhuge Dan: Oh, great.

Deng Ai: What's with that mocking tone in your sentence, huh?!

Zhuge Dan: What?! No, no! Of course not!

Deng Ai: Hmph. Good then. **drills on the right path**

Guo Huai: Cough, cough…uh…Deng Ai?

Deng Ai: What?

Guo Huai: Is it just me, or…that it's suddenly become smelly?

Zhuge Dan: Smell? **sniffs** Well, gee, you're right! Hey, Deng Ai, are you sure we're going the right way here?

Deng Ai: I'm sure! Just believe in my super-awesome geographical skill!

Guo Huai: Yeah, right….urgh, the smell's becoming worse! Cough! COUGH!

Zhuge Dan: Yeah! Hey, Deng Ai, can we just stop for a sec and see where we're actually heading now?!

Deng Ai: But why?

Zhuge Dan: Look, there's NO way the underground path of Wei could store this kind of smell. Here, let me go to check what's actually ahead, okay? You take care of Guo Huai and make sure he's not dead by this smell.

Deng Ai: Huff…okay then.

Zhuge Dan: Right. Now, let's see what's actually here… **comes across a large container** Okay, now, what's the text here….uh, what?! Urf… **almost throws up, then runs back**

Deng Ai: Hm? Oh, Zhuge Dan! So, what did you find?

Zhuge Dan: Urmf….BLEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Deng Ai: GYAAAAAAHHHHHHH! YEOW! YIKES! EW! FUCK! SHIT! YOU MOTHERFUCKER! WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU?!

Zhuge Dan: Blergh…huehhhh….because, seriously! That place you brought us to is Dong Zhuo's septic tank! Ew! That's disgusting!

Guo Huai: What?! Hey! Come on!

Deng Ai: Eh? Ermm…okay! In that case let's take another route!

Zhuge Dan and Guo Huai: **deathglare**

Deng Ai: I promise it won't take us to another septic tank!

Zhuge Dan and Guo Huai: Good for you.

* * *

 _And so the three took another route, and continued to travel for 3 hours._

Deng Ai: Hmm…alright! This is it!

Zhuge Dan and Guo Huai: Huh? Really?

Deng Ai: Yes, certainly! Okay, let me go up to see…hoop!

Guo Huai: FWAAHHH! Oh my god…FINALLY! Some fresh air!

Zhuge Dan: Oop! Whew…gee, Wei's surely changed a lot since.

However, suddenly, they were halted by a mysterious woman.

?: Hm? Hey, hold it right there, you three!

Zhuge Dan: Huh? Hey, who're you?

?: What?! Hey, I'm the one supposed to ask that! You meanie!

Guo Huai: Meanie?

Deng Ai: Whoa, whoa, hold on, madam. We three were from the kingdom of Jin, now seeking a way into Wei. Oh, wow. Way into Wei. Gee, it sure can get kinda confusing.

?: Wei, huh? Hmm…hey, you know what, you three are kinda familiar to me.

Zhuge Dan: Eh? We do

?: Yes, yes. You know what, let me think for a sec. **walks away**

Deng Ai: Okay.

Zhuge Dan: Hey, pssstt…you guys.

Deng Ai and Guo Huai: Hm?

Zhuge Dan: I don't know, but if it's just me or that this woman seems familiar to us, too?

Deng Ai: Ah, so you think the same as me! Yes, I mean, look at her face, clothing, and way of speaking…

Guo Huai: You mean her calling us 'meanie'?

Deng Ai: Yes, yes, that. Hmm…

?: Oooohhh….I get it now! Hey, you three! I remember it now! You three are the jerks who attempted to capture me back then!

Zhuge Dan: Huh?! Hey, hey, whoa, what do you mean?!

?: Don't lie to me! You three are Zhuge Dan, Guo Huai, and Deng Ai, right?!

The three: Yes?

?: Then it's true! Then prepare as I, Himiko, will knock you down!

Zhuge Dan: Wait, what?! Himiko?! Hey, Deng Ai, how the hell?!

Deng Ai: Whoa, whoa, let me check…. **looks at the map** …well, shit! Looks like we took the wrong route and ended up on Japan instead!

Guo Huai: What?! You idiot!

Adult!Himiko: **prepares her clay dogus** TAKE THIS! **fires lasers**

Zhuge Dan: AAAHHH! SHIT, IT'S THOSE LASERS AGAIN!

Deng Ai: Everyone, RUN!

 _And so the three frantically avoided Himiko's lasers and jumped back into the underground tunnel._

Zhuge Dan: Whew! Damn, that was close! You never knew what nightmares I once got when I used to face those things…

Guo Huai: Gah! Seriously, Deng Ai, couldn't you get at least ONE job right?!

Deng Ai: Tch, I'm trying, I'M TRYING! **continues drilling, again**

Zhuge Dan: Okay, fine, if this doesn't work then expect either my lightning ball or icicle to be shoved up yo' ass.

Guo Huai: And my arrow or bayonet too!

Deng Ai: **shudder** Yeah, yeah, just be patient! Geez…

* * *

 _3 hours later_

Deng Ai: And…okay! Seems like we're finally here at last!

Zhuge Dan and Guo Huai: **prepares baton and machine-gun**

Deng Ai: Oh, come on! Why won't you guys believe me?! Tch, fine! I'll go up myself! Hmm…oh, yes! There's Cao Cao up there!

* * *

 _Inside the Wei palace_

Deng Ai: Huff…

Zhuge Dan: WHOOO! MAN! That was quite a trip!

Guo Huai: Cough! Cough! Argh…I think…I think I'm gonna die…

Cao Cao: AAAAHHHH! WHO, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! WHY DID YOU SUDDENLY POP OUT OF THE FLOOR?!

Deng Ai: Eh? Oh, we're sorry, Lord Cao Cao!

Zhuge Dan: Yeah…we were taking an underground trip, hehe…

Guo Huai: Being pinched between these two guys REALLY made my condition worse…

Zhuge Liang: Wait a minute…you three are from Jin, right?

Zhuge Dan: Oh, hi there cousin! As a matter of fact, yes.

Zhuge Liang: Hmm…why there are only three of you? …oh, wait! Don't tell me that you?!

Deng Ai: Yeah, well, we came here to Wei because suddenly almost the entire Jin kingdom disappeared! Only three of us remained!

Guo Huai: At last…to be able to come back to the Wei I used to know…now I can die in peace…

Zhuge Liang: Hey, hey! Don't die just yet!

Cao Cao: I see…so it seems that all of the factions have this very same problem! I wonder about Wu and Other…

 _…and the full story can be read in the previous, and the next chapters._

 ** _To Be Continued…_**

* * *

Okay, so to those who don't understand, Himiko did live during the Three Kingdoms Period, so it only makes sense here. Anyways, please keep on reading and leave a review as always! Good day!


	5. Beginning of a Disaster – Other side

_This chapter shall conclude all the flashbacks of what's happening with all the major factions!_

* * *

 _Beginning of a Disaster – Other side_

* * *

 _Most of the land of China are covered by either blue, red, green (and light blue) residences, but the rest of the land are covered by mini-residences with varying colors, like black, yellow, cling-cling-y yellow, orange, and white with an eerie purple aura around them. First we will focus onto the black-colored residence first._

* * *

 _Inside the Dong Zhuo palace_

 _(Note: Dong Zhuo, Lu Bu, Diaochan, and Lu Lingqi all sleep on the same bed (don't fucking ask how big that bed is), and the order is Dong Zhuo-Diaochan-Lu Bu-Lu Lingqi (just check out San Three Kingdoms comic panel 44 to get the idea) so that both Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu could hug Diaochan without killing each other with Lu Lingqi hugging her father at the far end of the bed, but since Diaochan and Lu Lingqi's gone we'll see what happens when Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu sleep almost directly side-by-side)._

Dong Zhuo: Hrrmmff…. **turns around and hugs Lu Bu**

Lu Bu: Hrrrnnggghhh… **touches Lu Lingqi's pug doll** _(look at her artwork at Koei wiki to understand)_ Oh, good Lingqi, you're still here. **turns around and hugs Dong Zhuo**

Dong Zhuo: **touches Lu Bu's feathers** Oh my, Diaochan, your hair is so silky and soft, I wish I could sniff it everyday~

Lu Bu: **touches Dong Zhuo's manboobs** _(I apologize deeply for anyone who puked at their computer/laptop/phone and ruined it upon reading this)_ Oohohoo~, Diaochan…

Dong Zhuo: **touches Lu Bu's armor** Wow, gee, Diaochan, when did you start wearing armors? You don't need to you know, you'll always feel safe around me…

Lu Bu: **touches Dong Zhuo's stomach** Wait, what?! Diaochan, you mean we're having kids?!

Dong Zhuo: **wakes up** Kids? What do you-

Lu Bu: **wakes up** ….eh?

Dong Zhuo: ….

Lu Bu: ….

Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _At the Yuan residence_

Yuan Shao: **wakes up upon hearing the scream** What the?! Tch, that stupid fatass again?! Seriously, only an uneducated and uncultured rebel could do something so barbaric that a sophisticated noble like, would not do! I swear I will shove gold down his throat!

* * *

 _At the Yellow Turbans residence_

Zhang Jiao: **wakes up upon hearing the scream** W-w-wha?! Ah! It's the sound coming from the HEAVENS above! The apocalypse has come! And so, I have to do my best to convert these unbelievers and save them from the impending doom upon us all!

* * *

 _At the Nanman jungle_

Meng Huo: **wakes up upon hearing the scream** W-w-WHOA! Damn, what was that?! Were the elephants out again?!

Not long after, a huge herd of elephants came rampaging upon Meng Huo's house not due to them becoming the source of the sound, but rather BECAUSE of the sound.

Meng Huo: Huh…eh, whatever, I'll go back to sleep- **notices the elephants** W-w-WHA?! Hey, HEY! NO! STOP! AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH! **gets trampled down** ….errrggghhhh….

* * *

 _Back onto Dong residence, this time inside the bathroom…_

Lu Bu: **washes his hands** Euhhh….

Dong Zhuo: Grr….SERIOUSLY! YOU'VE BEEN WASHING YOUR HANDS FOR 15 MINUTES! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE THE WATER BILL IS!

Lu Bu: Tch, like I care! I wanna COMPLETELY wash off any trace of your DNA in my hands!

Dong Zhuo: Bah! You think I'm not disgusted as well when I touched your feathers?! I swear they look like cockroach antennas! Ew!

Lu Bu: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?! **punches Dong Zhuo**

Dong Zhuo: YEOW! YOU! YOU PERFIDIOUS SON! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

Lu Bu: Try me! Now, tell me where you hid Diaochan!

Dong Zhuo: The hell?! I'm supposed to be the one to ask that to you!

Lu Bu: What! Seriously, if you don't tell me where Diaochan is I'll shove your face in the toilet!

Dong Zhuo: Argh! No, you won't! **runs towards Lu Bu**

Lu Bu: Whoop! **avoids Dong Zhuo, which caused him to fall on to the shower room**

Dong Zhuo: ARGH!

Lu Bu: Hmm… **sets the water into 'hot', turns on the switch and locks the shower doors**

Dong Zhuo: GYAAAAHHHHH! HOT! HOTTTT! HEY, LU BU! OPEN THIS DOOR AT THE INSTANT! GYAAAAHHHHHH!

Lu Bu: **whistles** Hey, it's good to lose a few pounds, you know!

Dong Zhuo: GYAAAAAHHHHHHH! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Lu Bu: **runs back into the bedroom** Huff, okay! Diaochan? Diaochan! Where are you?! No…THIS CAN'T BE! **smashes the bed in half** …oops. And…gasp! Lingqi too?! No, no, NO! How could've this happened?! DIAOCHAN! LINGQI! WHERE ARE YOU?!

 _Suddenly, a flood of hot water streamed forth from the bathroom which filled the entire room before it lowered again, but Lu Bu remains standing strong, albeit with his skin peeling._

Lu Bu: Tch…okay, okay! Lu Bu, there's no way they just disappeared like that. Think, think! Hmm….

Dong Zhuo: **crawls on the floor and rises up behind Lu Bu in a horrible, HORRIBLE condition** Grrrgghhhh….you….little!

Lu Bu: Hmm…. **makes an 'I know!' gesture, which knocks Dong Zhuo out** oh, right! I should just ask Chen Gong for this! **runs towards Chen Gong's room**

Dong Zhuo: Gaaaarrrgghhh…..you….YOU! ….eh? **notices the bed that's been split in half** ….LUUUUUUUUUUU BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

 _In front of Chen Gong's room_

Lu Bu: HYAAAAHHHH! **shatters the door**

Chen Gong: **suddenly wakes up due to the sound** KYAAAAHHHH! W-w-what happened?! Did a thief break in?! Oh no! Please thief, you can take anything you want, just don't take my precious 'special scrolls'-

Lu Bu: I'm not a thief! It's me, LU BU!

Chen Gong: Oh, okay- AAAHHHH! IT'S A ZOMBIEEEEE!

Lu Bu: Zombie? The fuck do you mean?! I told you, I'M LU BU!

Chen Gong: AAAAHHH! L-l-lord Lu Bu! W-what is the business you have here? And...what's with your skin?! Besides, it's the 20th time you've broken the door, and if you'd like me to give you 'favors' I can't do it, I mean, it's 7.30 in the morning-

Lu Bu: Tch! Cut that fucking crap out! I'm not gay! Not that! **punches Chen Gong** And what's with my skin? AAAHHHH! MY SKIN!

Chen Gong: AAAHHH! Huff…okay then, in that case, what would you want me to do?

Lu Bu: W-wait a minute! I need to take a shower first! Argh!

 _15 minutes later_

Lu Bu: **comes out of Chen Gong's bathroom** Whew! Shit, it's gonna take a while before my skin returns to normal again...

Chen Gong: **sweatdrop**...so, why did you come here?

Lu Bu: Here, this morning, Diaochan and Lingqi suddenly disappeared!

Chen Gong: Whaaaattt?! But how?

Lu Bu: That's PRECISELY the reason why I'm asking you right now!

Chen Gong: Oh. Hmm…is there any trace at the bedroom, or something?

Lu Bu: Absolutely fucking none!

Chen Gong: Hmm…this is a really difficult case, indeed. Wait a minute. **pulls out a scroll**

Lu Bu: What's that?

Chen Gong: It's a historical record. I'll see if I can find some information about this.

Lu Bu: Oh, really? Let me see. Hmm…"Dear Diary, today I'm very sad. I attempted to hit on Lord Lu Bu's daughter, but she knocked me out. I screamed like a little girl. Oh, I am so ashamed to be knocked out cold by a girl! Historians will remember this down as they talk about my glorious talents!"…..what?

Chen Gong: …huh? Wait, wait, WAIT! Oh my god, wrong scroll! Shit, shit, SHIT!

Lu Bu: Grrrr….YOU! HOW DARE YOU TO HIT ON MY LINGQI!

Chen Gong: AAAHHH! Please, PLEASE! Hear me out-

Lu Bu: Aha! So it's clear now! YOU are the one who kidnapped my Diaochan and Lingqi! You fucking bastard!

Chen Gong: AAAHHH! No, it's not me, my lord, I swear! It was Cao Cao!

Lu Bu: Hm? Cao Cao? How?

Chen Gong: Eh, ehem, well, it makes sense! Dude would pretty much have sex with ANYTHING that have an X-chromosome. And sometimes Y-chromosome as well!

Lu Bu: What?!

Chen Gong: And, considering that he killed you in Xiapi, do you think he will simply let your precious concubine and daughter run freely? Well, hell no! I KNOW that a guy like him would drag them into his harem and have them bear him more babies.

Lu Bu: Grrrr…..

Chen Gong: And….one of those babies will be your grandchildren.

Lu Bu: Grrrrr….GRUWAAAAHHHHHH!

Chen Gong: WHOA!

Lu Bu: Grrrrhhhhh….CAO CAOOOOOOO! I WILL COME FOR YOUUUUU! **goes outside Chen Gong's room**

Chen Gong: Ah! My lord! ...whooh! Man, he's gone! Geez, I never thought I would make a fatal, FATAL mistake of showing him THAT. Well, to be honest I don't know if Cao Cao truly did it, but ah hell, at least Lu Bu's gone now and will fuck his ass. Hehehehehe…

* * *

 _Meanwhile, back to the Nanman jungle…_

Meng Huo: Oof! Ah, seriously, who let those elephants out?! Oh well, no matter. Hmm…hey, where's my beloved Zhurong? Hey, my lady! Where are you? Hey! Oh no, where she's gone to?! ….grrrrrr, ZHUGE LIAAAANNNNGGGG! YOUUUUUU BASTAAAARRRRRDDDDDDDD! **rides an elephant** Just wait, you! It's bad enough that you bet me 7 times, now you stole my wife as well?! You'll pay for this! **rides off**

* * *

 _And so, Lu Bu travelled to the Wei palace in order to attack Cao Cao and retrieve his girls back, and the full story can be read in the previous chapters. Meanwhile, Meng Huo rode his elephant to the Shu palace in order to retrieve his wife back from Zhuge Liang._

Meng Huo: Alright! Hm, these gates are closed. Very well then! HYAAHH! **charges towards the gates and knocks them down** Alright, show yourself Zhuge Liang!

 **Cricket sounds**

Meng Huo: Huh? Hey, there's no one inside that palace! Hmm…this is suspicious! He must've put a trap there! I definitely won't fall for that again! **turns back**

 _However, there's suddenly a large rumbling noise coming from behind the palace._

Meng Huo: Whoa! W-what's that? Hm, it could be the trap that Zhuge Liang's prepared for me, but heh! I've learned how to detect obvious traps like that! Suck, that sucker- **notices the Shu-tank** WOOOHHHAAAAAAA! **barely avoids the tank, but falls down** Ouch! W-what the hell is that?! Hot damn! That certainly looks a LOT more powerful than my elephants! I definitely got to have one someday, too! But, where are they heading to? **follows the tank** Argh, shit! They're too fast! Come on, a little faster! Ah, man, they're gone…oh! There are wheel-prints here! I should just follow it!

* * *

 _Okay…now, let's skip to where Meng Huo managed to track the Shu-tank all the way towards the Wei palace…_

Meng Huo: Hah! Alright! Now, where are those green twats?! Hmm…hah! I've found you, Zhuge Liang! You can't escape from me this time! Tell me where you've hidden my beloved Zhurong, NOW!

Zhuge Liang: Wait, what?!

Cao Cao: Aaaaaa….my palace…. **faints**

Xiahou Dun: GAAAHHH! COUSIN!

Zhuge Liang: Seriously, we're having a dire situation here and you suddenly barged in and blame me for something?!

Meng Huo: Hah! Don't try to deny it! I KNOW you kidnapped my Zhurong! Return her or I'll stomp you!

Zhuge Liang: Zhurong? Whoa, whoa, waaiiiittttt a minuteeeee. You mean she was missing this morning?

Meng Huo: Yes! How could've you known?

Zhuge Liang: Ah…I see. Then, I suppose it's all true. EVERYONE!

Everyone: **turns to Zhuge Liang**

Zhuge Liang: So, let me confirm something. Tell me all the people that mysteriously disappeared today!

Sun Jian: Hmm…at my place, it was Zhou Yu, Lu Xun, Shangxiang, Quan, Gan Ning, Daqiao, Xiaoqiao, Ling Tong, Lianshi, and Zhu Ran.

Jia Xu: Zhang He, Zhenji, Cao Pi, Guo Jia, Wang Yi, Yue Jin, Li Dian, and Xun Yu.

Deng Ai: Pretty much everyone besides the three of us.

Lu Bu: Diaochan and Lingqi!

Zhuge Liang: Hmmm…right. Combined with Zhao Yun, Lord Liu Bei, Ma Chao, Jiang Wei, Guan Ping, Xingcai, Liu Shan, Ma Dai, Guan Suo, Bao Sanniang, Xu Shu, Guan Xing, Zhang Bao, Guan Yinping, and Fa Zheng, as well as Zhurong, that makes it for a total of 45 missing characters, all who fit the criteria of being fanservice-y characters. What the fuck?! FOURTY-FIVE! Seriously, if this problem doesn't get solved soon then this series is gonna die.

Yueying: Calm yourself down, my husband. Look, we're still here. This series isn't gonna COMPLETELY die, so you don't have to worry.

Zhuge Liang: Huff…okay, okay. So! Does anyone have any clues about the disappearances?

Zhuge Dan: Ehem, cousin.

Zhuge Liang: Eh? Who are you?

Zhuge Dan: What?! How could you forget me?! I'm Zhuge Dan!

Zhuge Liang: Zhuge Dan? **scratches head** Hmm…oh, I know? Are you not the one who runs on four legs and always runs back and fro trying to catch a Frisbee or a ball- **gets hit with baton** YEOW!

Zhuge Dan: Cut that out! I'm not a dog! Tch, by the way, we do have the CCTV recordings of the rooms inside the Jin palace that show what happened last night.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, really? What did you see?

Zhuge Dan: Well…the quality of the recordings are complete shit, but from what I've seen, the people who disappeared literally faded away like dust when they go to sleep.

Zhuge Liang: What? You mean they JUST faded away, like that? Without any other noticeable oddities, or trace of any sort?

Zhuge Dan: Absolutely none.

Zhuge Liang: Well…damn. **slaps his forehead** Whoever that has done this, he/she must've been really, REALLY clever to do stealthy kidnappings like that. But if it's not a he/she, rather an IT….then we're in the face of some REALLY serious shit here.

 _Suddenly, a swirl and puff of smoke appeared at the center of the palace, revealing Zhang Jiao and Zuo Ci._

Zhang Jiao: Greetings, my young children!

Zuo Ci: Hey, psstt, are you stupid? They're not your children 'cos they absolutely hate your fucking guts.

Zhang Jiao: Oh, right. So, ehem, GREETINGS, HERETIC NONBELIEVERS!

Everyone: Gasp!

Cao Cao: You…what business do you have here?! And you too, Zuo Ci, do you attempt to trick me again this time?!

Zuo Ci: What? Oh ho ho ho ho…of course not.

Zhang Jiao: We're here to bring you a grave news! The apocalypse is near!

Sun Jian: Apocalypse? The fuck you're talking about?

Zhang Jiao: Ah! You're truly such fools for being blind towards this portend. This morning, the HEAVENS itself let a cry towards the Earth, signifying the impending doom! The Earth will crumble down, the Men will let out cries of despair, and the HEAVENS will fade into darkness! My good children, repent and join us to avert the Armageddon!

Zuo Ci: After all, I know that you guys are having cases of sudden mysterious disappearance of certain people, right?

Everyone: **nods**

Zhang Jiao: Yes, it is also a sign of the great doom awaiting us! If you don't repent, then you too, will suffer the same fate as those people! Come and join me!

Zhuge Liang: Whoa, whoa, hold on a fucking sec. Where did all of those come from? It's true that we're missing a couple of people, but that 'cry of Heaven' you uttered? What's with that?

Zhang Jiao: This morning, I clearly heard with my very own ears, a loud scream that seems to split even the skies itself! I know that the end will finally come to us all, which is why I came here trying to save all of you!

Lu Bu: S-scream? Eh, uhh… **sweatdrop**

Zhuge Liang: Huh…hey, wait a minute.

Zhang Jiao: What?

Zhuge Liang: Hmmm…. **looks to everyone in the palace** …guys?

Everyone: ….. **nods** Yes.

Zhuge Liang: Okay. **walks up towards Zhang Jiao and Zuo Ci**

Zhang Jiao: Ah, so you've finally come to me! Of course, I already heard about your reputation as well, we'll use our MAGEEEEKK to convert the others too!

Zuo Ci: Hmm…hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey, whoa! Stop it! AAAAAHHHHH!

.

.

.

.

.

 _Inside a basement_

Zhuge Liang: Hey, wake up!

Zhang Jiao: Whoa! Argh! What is this?! Loosen my bonds, now!

Zuo Ci: Hmph, I could've teleported away, but I'm sure you would like to talk about something with this.

Cao Cao: Of course. Now, admit it, YOU are the ones who made those pretty boys and girls disappear!

Zhang Jiao: Argh! What is the meaning of this slander?! Of course I wouldn't do such thing!

Sun Jian: Hmph. That's because you two are the ones most likely to do it, after all.

Zuo Ci: The hell do you mean?

Sun Jian: I mean, you two are old and unpopular, so I'm guessing that you did that in order to steal the spotlight and become more recognized…

Zhuge Liang: ….or, to do some unspeakable things with those pretty boys and girls.

Zhang Jiao: Oh, come on! You think that I'm THAT desperate?! Fuck no! It's no use, anyway. Whatever I do, I will always end up being shafted by the fans… **cries**

Zuo Ci: After all, both of us strive for the peace for humanity, so we wouldn't do such petty thing.

Cao Cao: Hmm…seems like you two are speaking the truth.

Zhuge Liang: Hmm…fine then. Release them.

Sun Jian: Okay. **releases Zhang Jiao and Zuo Ci**

Zhang Jiao and Zuo Ci: Oh? We're free!

Zhuge Liang: Yes, you are, but! You still can't do whatever you want. I'll be keeping an eye on you two while we're still solving this problem, so make sure that- eh?

Sun Jian: The hell?! They're gone!

Cao Cao: Hm, it's alright. I mean, we've faced things FAR worse than this, so I guess we could go through this.

Zhuge Liang: I know. Well then, gentlemen, we know that this event has severely weakened our forces.

Cao Cao: Except for me, since my kingdom is mostly composed of old men anyway…

Sun Jian: And Other as well, since they only got three girls and no pretty boys.

Zhuge Liang: Meh, you just shave Chen Gong and he'll be a smooth-faced bishounen, anyway. But really, in this case, then there's no way we could solve this problem alone. So, in this case, I would like us to join forces.

Cao Cao: Join forces? How's that possible? We've been enemies for god-knows-how long!

Zhuge Liang: Cao Cao, now's simply not the time to worry about those problems, okay! Just let go of the past. Think about the consequences if we don't find those pretty boys and girls immediately!

Sun Jian and Cao Cao: ….you're right.

Zhuge Liang: Of course. I'm always right. Well then, about that, since Jin's only got 3 people, I hope you don't mind if you let them being around in your palace for a while, okay? I mean, they were formerly Wei, too.

Cao Cao: Hmm…well, I suppose I can.

Zhuge Liang: Hm, very good. I will also tell the Other characters about this. I hope we'll be able to work together to solve this problem.

Sun Jian: Good, good!

* * *

 _And later, Zhuge Liang told the rest of the remaining characters about this, and they all agreed to briefly forget their past enmities to focus in working together to find the missing characters. Little do they know, though, about the upcoming disaster that will put their very existence in danger…_

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

* * *

Okay! As always, keep on reading and leave a review! Good day!


	6. The Second Day

_After the whole chaos concerning the missing characters, Wei, Shu, Wu, Jin, and the Other decided to join forces in order to help each other finding the missing characters. Will they be able to prevail?_

* * *

 _Chapter 6: The Second Day_

* * *

 _Second day after the pretty boys and girls disappearance_

* * *

 _Shu_

 _Inside the Shu palace, Zhuge Liang is shown to be sitting in his desk, while thinking about where the majority of the Shu has possibly gone to. Suddenly, Yueying entered._

Yueying: My lord.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, you're back. So?

Yueying: **shakes her head** They're still gone.

Zhuge Liang: Ah, shit. Huff…then it's true. They were DEFINITELY gone.

Yueying: Yeah. Huff…what are we gonna do?

Zhuge Liang: I don't know myself. Pang Tong DID say about the possibility of them being kidnapped by psycho fangirls…or psycho fanboys. Hopefully not both.

Yueying: Aaahh! That's terrifying!

Zhuge Liang: I know. Hmmf, if this is true…then we're in for a REAL shit right here.

Yuyeing: Yeah….hey, now that I think about it, the only girls left here are only me and Cai Wenji right? And if your assumption about those kids being kidnapped by psycho fangirls/fanboys are true…

Zhuge Liang: ….

Yueying: ….well, then fuck it! Why am I and Cai Wenji not considered pretty?! I mean, we're both pretty girls too, you know?!

Zhuge Liang: Eh?! Emm…I don't know, maybe it's got to do with your clothing, or anything…

Yueying: What the?! Now that doesn't make any sense! I mean, just that we don't wear anything fanservice-y doesn't mean we're not pretty! We're both smart too, and those people only prefer brainless sluts! Like seriously, why do they prefer sluts and lolis over mature and smart woman like me and Cai Wenji?! This is unfair!

Zhuge Liang: Uhh…okay, now I believe that the answer is the same as to why only the pretty boys get to be considered "attractive"….I mean, HELL! We got a TON of non-pretty boys attractive duds! Such as me!

Yueying: Right! Sigh…it just seems COMPLETELY unfair!

Zhuge Liang: I know right! Huff…but, we just have to accept the fact that those fangirls will ALWAYS accept the pretty boys rather than us, and Koei will sure as hell whore out those desires. We have no choice.

Yueying: Why is that?

Zhuge Liang: Because, hell, at this point those psycho fangirls are pretty much the only things that kept this series going on! I know, I know, it's hard to believe…

Pang Tong: **enters room** Oy.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, it's you.

Pang Tong: Still thinking about the missing guys?

Zhuge Liang: Yes. You have any idea?

Pang Tong: Well…I DID say about those crazy fangirls and fanboys.

Zhuge Liang: Yes, that's true. Huff…if it's true, then where could they be taken to?! Shit, things'll go straight to hell if anything ever happened to those kids…

Yueying: Why?

Zhuge Liang: Well, it depends on whether it was the psycho fangirls or psycho fanboys, but it'll still be basically the same. The psycho fangirls'll murder the girls in order to keep the pretty boys for their own, whereas the psycho fanboys'll do the exact opposite. Either way, they're screwed, we're screwed.

Pang Tong: And if it was both of them, well….

Zhuge Liang: See? Now you actually have to be GLAD that you're considered ugly.

Yueying: What?! UGLY?!

Zhuge Liang: Err…no, no! I don't think you're ugly! THEY think you're ugly! (Besides you're SUPPOSED to be ugly, so good for them)

Yueying: Oh, okay…hey, that STILL means I'm considered ugly! WAAAAHHHH! **flips off the desk**

Zhuge Liang: AAAAHHHH! HEY! COME ON! THAT'S MY MOST VALUED DESK!

Yueying: ….whoops.

Zhuge Liang: AAARRRGGGHHH! **messes up his hair** huff…okay, okay! We just need to calm, the HELL, down!

Pang Tong: Tch, really, what's the deal with all these pretty boys and girls, anyway? We can do just fine without them. It's not like most of them are THAT relevant, or anything- **whacked by Zhuge Liang's fan** YEOW! FUCK! WHAT'S THAT FOR?!

Zhuge Liang: Pang Tong! Seriously, how could you be so careless?! Look, it's obvious at this point that we NEED those pretty boys and fanservicey girls, however irrelevant they are!

Pang Tong: Ouch…but there's no need to be so goddamn mean about it!

Zhuge Liang: Sigh…look, we here already have the reputation of being the most unpopular kingdom, and it's ONLY because of the abundance of the eye candy we have here that we BARELY managed to gain a SLIGHT level of popularity among the fans.

Yueying: Yeah, but they STILL hate our fucking guts due to a certain B-word…

Zhuge Liang: I know, I know, but you see, that's not the point! These psycho fangirls practically don't have brains for such thing! All they need is a dreamy face to dream on, then you have an instant fan-favorite! There!

Pang Tong: Heh, yeah, and it's the same for the pretty girls too! You basically only need boobs. Big, jiggling, exposed boobs.

Zhuge Liang: Well…some of them didn't work out quite as well, though. Bao Sanniang…

Pang Tong: Heh, well, you see, they hate her because she's an annoying bitch, not because she's a slut. If you remove her personality, I'm sure people won't mind staring at those things…

Zhuge Liang: …..yeah. And besides, the reason why Shu is even getting attention AT ALL is because we have Zhao Yun, the poster boy! Now that he's gone then we're all pretty much fucked! Eh, no, scratch that, pretty much ALL of us are fucked because there's no poster boy! Argh, we need a replacement immediately or-

Guan Yu: **suddenly barges in the room** Did somebody say something about being the new poster boy?!

Zhuge Liang: WHOA! Man, FUCK! Don't just surprise us like that! Geez…

Guan Yu: Hahaha, well, sorry. But hey, since Zhao Yun's gone, I could fill the role of the new poster boy!

Zhuge Liang: What the?! Who the HELL wants YOU as the poster boy?!

Guan Yu: Hey, come on! I'm perfect for that! Like really, you go anywhere and ask ANY common people about Chinese legend, and they WILL think of ME, not Zhao Yun! Who else would suffice?

Zhuge Liang: Yeah, well, it's one thing when you ask COMMON people, but when it comes to the fans of the series, YOU appearing as the poster boy will cause a fucking riot!

Guan Yu: Whaaattt?! Oh, come on! For the longest time, we haven't been a really popular series because Zhao Yun, who is actually unpopular compared to me, has been in the cover, and people have always skeptical about it. Now, if I was the poster boy instead, people new to the series would instantly recognize this game as having to do with Chinese history, and so they will buy it! Me appearing on the cover will boost the popularity of this series!

Zhuge Liang: Gakh! Sigh…well, okay, as I said before, it's one thing regarding the newcomers to this series, but the normal fans will certainly NOT accept this sudden change well! You're SUPPOSED to know something like that!

Guan Yu: Meh, I don't care! Besides, it's because of those goddamn good-for-nothing pretty boys that I, who's SUPPOSED to be THE icon of this era, to be gradually shafted aside! I mean, my own CHILDREN ended up being FAR more popular than me! Like, what the hell! So this is practically my ONLY chance to raise my DESERVED popularity!

Zhuge Liang: Yeah, I KNOW! Huff….but you think that THE OTHERS won't want the same thing too?!

Guan Yu: …what?

Zhuge Liang: Sigh…okay, look, historically- no, no, scratch that, novelwise, we may contributed GREATLY. But once we're in DW, EVERYTHING about that is basically COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT, okay. It's now all about fanservice. If you're not a pretty boy and not a pretty girl, then be prepared to be basically shafted aside no matter how important you truly are. That's just how the way it works here. I…I'm sorry.

Guan Yu: ….

Huang Zhong: **enters the room** Hey, what're y'all youngsters doing here?

Zhuge Liang: Argh, it's him…well, we're obviously discussing the disaster we're having here!

Huang Zhong: Disaster? You mean Wei is trying to kidnap-

Zhuge Liang: What the- Argh! Not the kidnapping! Tch, seriously…having that cranky old man here will only make things so much worse…

Huang Zhong: Oh, so that's not it? Then what?

Yueying: It's about those missing pretty boys and girls.

Huang Zhong: Hmm…oh, right! Haha, how could I forget about that?

Zhuge Liang: Okay, look, if you don't have anything to say then could you please just leave-

Huang Zhong: Hmm…ah yes, regarding this sudden disappearances, I'd say that it's actually a test by Koei itself!

Pang Tong: What? A test?

Huang Zhong: Yeah. You know, maybe after all of this fangirl and fanboy shit they chose to just remove these characters altogether to see whether the fans of the series are people who can discern true worth of the characters based on their personality and deeds and not just taking any fangirl/fanboy bait…

Zhuge Liang: …and the people who shamelessly and proudly took said bait.

Huang Zhong: Precisely.

Zhuge Liang: Hrmf…well, looking at our conditions now, the fandom is sadly populated by more of the latter camp. Hell, the former is REALLY what we really wanted to be the majority. But alas…

Huang Zhong: Sigh…I know. Sad stuff, really.

Everybody: Sigh…..

* * *

 _Wei_

 _Similar to Shu, Cao Cao is shown thinking at his desk with Xiahou Dun accompanying him._

Cao Cao: Sigh… **facepalms**

Xiahou Dun: Cousin? You alright?

Cao Cao: Hm? …well, of course, I'm alright.

Xiahou Dun: Oh, that's good.

Cao Cao: Yeah, well… **suddenly punches Xiahou Dun**

Xiahou Dun: YEOW! ARGH! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT-

Cao Cao: Well…you certainly didn't expect that, did you?

Xiahou Dun: Sure as hell not?

Cao Cao: Well, same as I practically did not FUCKING EXPECT YOU TO ASK SUCH A STUPID QUESTION! ARGH! **facedesk** I….I'm NOT alright….just…not.

Xiahou Dun: Ah….c-cousin, no! I-i-I'm sorry, please…

Cao Cao: Like seriously, you've been with me since our childhood…and yet you can't understand my simplest feelings? You broke my heart, Dun! **cries**

Xiahou Dun: Argh, I'm sorry! Please, I didn't mean to make you sad, don't cry…

Cao Cao: Like, seriously! My son is gone! My most beloved advisor is gone also! There's nothing else I can personally confide to, and now you're just being a meanie like this? Hwaaaa….

Jia Xu: **enters the room** I'm sorry, what's all the fuss here?

Xiahou Dun: Ah! Jia Xu! Perfect timing!

Jia Xu: Uhh….okay, what's with Lord Cao Cao?

Xiahou Dun: This is precisely what I want you to help me with! He's just so…shaken by the sudden loss of his son and most trusted advisor that he became so sad and teary...

Jia Xu: Eh? Well gee, definitely not the Cao Cao I know.

Xiahou Dun: I know right! Please, you're the only advisor we have here. You MUSTA had some clue on what's happening here. Help cousin, please!

Jia Xu: Eh? Well well, I'm not really the type to receive requests of helps, but…

Cao Cao: Hm? Oh, Jia Xu! **runs over and hugs JIa Xu**

Jia Xu: Eh? AH! OOF!

Cao Cao: Hsk…hsk…PLEASE….I BEG YOUR HELP, JIA XU!

Jia Xu: Ermf..urf…your hug's…too tight…argh…

Cao Cao: Hwaaahhh…please! You're the only one I can rely on right now, I NEED YOUR HELP. WAAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: Tch! Gakh! Let me go! Besides, what help, anyway?

Cao Cao: Please…you gotta help me find my son and the others who disappeared!

Jia Xu: …what? That's it?

Cao Cao: W-what?! How could you possibly say 'that's all' regarding that?!

Jia Xu: Well…that's because…you see, unlike the other kingdoms, pretty boys and pretty girls were never really relevant to us. Hell, even as the kingdom with the least amount of pretty boys we STILL managed to be THE most popular kingdom, at least until that goddamn carbon-copycat came, anyway…

Cao Cao: What?! You think that I care about those psycho fangirls?! Well, fuck no! This isn't about the fangirls, this is about MY SON!

Jia Xu: Eh…okay, if you say so, but really, given that you're relatively calm when your son and daughter-in-law just disappeared without a reason I just had this feeling that you…you know…don't care much about them.

Cao Cao: WAAAHHHH!

Xiahou Dun: Oh, come on!

Jia Xu: What?! I'm simply telling him the goddamn truth!

Xiahou Dun: But still…tch.

Jia Xu: Sigh…but really, in my opinion it doesn't really matter if we lost a few pretty boys or not. As I said before, we still managed to come out as the most popular kingdom even without pretty boys anyway…

Cao Cao: Hwaaahh…sniff…well, I suppose you're right!

Jia Xu: Eh?

Cao Cao: Maybe now I really shouldn't ask for more. We became the most popular kingdom despite lacking pretty boys, and I really should be thankful for that.

Jia Xu: Really? Even your own son?

Cao Cao: Meh, he's a boring piece of shit anyway! I STILL can't fathom how he managed to come out more popular than ME, but the fandom still likes me better anyway! Hahahaha! And besides, I could always make new kids so losing him is hardly a loss for me…

Jia Xu: Huh. But HOW are you gonna do that with no girls around?

Cao Cao: …..right. WAAAAHHHHH! WHY?!

Xiahou Dun: **sweatdrop** Psstt, hey.

Jia Xu: Hm?

Xiahou Dun: I thought we still have Cai Wenji, right?

Jia Xu: Ssshh, you be quiet about this. After all, I don't want her to lose her 'innocence' to someone like Cao Cao. I mean, that's gross. To hell with that.

Xiahou Dun: ….heh. Okay.

* * *

 _Wu_

 _Like with the other two kingdoms, Sun Jian is also busy thinking about this problem, all the while Sun Ce is running back and forth inside the room._

Sun Jian: Hrmf….

Sun Ce: Ahahahahaha! Whoop! Hyah! Hahaha!

Sun Jian: **starts to get angry**

Sun Ce: **continues to run around**

Sun Jian: Grrrr…. **suddenly unleashes a fire attack musou on Sun Ce**

Sun Ce: AAAAAHHHHH! HOT! HOT! MY PANTS ON FIREEEEEEEEE!

Sun Jian: SERIOUSLY! YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW I'M THINKING HERE?!

Sun Ce: Ow….but really, you shouldn't use something like that!

Sun Jian: That's because you're completely fucking annoying! Argh, instead of just running back and forth like an idiot why don't you just help your father here?!

Sun Ce: Aw, sheesh….I don't know, okay!

Sun JIan: Well that's fine, but that doesn't mean you can just go running around like that! Tch!

Sun Ce: Geez, I'm sorry dad, okay!

Lu Meng: **enters the room** Lord Sun Jian!

Sun Jian: Oh, Lu Meng! So, how is it?

Lu Meng: Completely negative. We really can't find ANYTHING that could possibly lead us to where these people's gone to.

Sun Ce: What?! How the hell's that possible?

Lu Meng: I don't know myself. Huff…either that kidnapper was really, really, REALLY clever man, or that these people literally disappeared out of existence is up to our guesses.

Sun Jian: Ah, shit…that just makes no sense now, doesn't it?

Lu Meng: Indeed it doesn't! Look. We've DEFINITELY suffered some fangirls kidnappings here from Wu, but even then it's just usually limited to one or two people, and the kidnapper was so sloppy that we usually managed to recover our people pretty quickly. But we definitely have NEVER suffered a large-scale kidnapping like this before that left NO trace whatsoever.

Sun Ce: Really?! Then what are we gonna do if there's NO clue whatsoever as to where they've gone to?!

Lu Meng: Stay calm. However, you see, we've been so experienced with this that now we're trying to find EVERY SINGLE possibilities around and then try to track them there.

Sun Jian: Really? Hm, that's good.

Lu Meng: Yes. But really, since we've never experienced something like this before, we're afraid we may encounter some unexpected casualties….

 _ **To Be Continued...**_

* * *

Yeah, I'm sorry that I didn't put a lot of humor here, because here I just said my opinions on the series and it's (somewhat pathetic) fandom. No offense to anyone tho ;) Anyways, leave a review and have a good day!


	7. Popularity Poll-shit, Part 1

_Chapter 7: Popularity Poll-shit, Part 1_

* * *

 _Wei_

 _Just when the inside of the palace is going all chaotic when thinking of the solution of the problem, XIahou Yuan and Guo Huai are instead taking a walk outside._

Guo Huai: Ah…Master Xiahou Yuan, I can't express how happy I am to be able to see you again.

Xiahou Yuan: Haha! Well, same as here!

Guo Huai: Yeah…

Xiahou Yuan: Well, I heard that you took care of Ba after I died. So how was he?

Guo Huai: Ah…well…yeah, about that…

Xiahou Yuan: Eh, what? What happened?

Guo Huai: Er…

Xiahou Yuan: Well, don't tell me that he went to date some guy from Shu! I'll ABSOLUTELY NOT let that happen!

Guo Huai: Ah, yes…I-

Suddenly, a baozi flew straight to Guo Huai's face, knocking him out.

Xiahou Yuan: AAAHHH! A-are you okay?! Shit!

Guo Huai: Grewrrgghhhh…. **tries to gets up, but falls again**

Xiahou Yuan: Aaahhhh! Tch, what the hell is this anyway? Baozi right outta nowhere? **picks up the baozi** Hmph, well, I could just eat it… **eats baozi** …hm? Hey, what's this? …a piece of paper?

Inside the Wei palace

Cao Cao: **walks anxiously inside the Wei palace** Hurff…seriously, if this doesn't get solved soon, we're doomed!

Xiahou Dun: …..

Cao Cao: HEY!

Xiahou Dun: AAAHHH! W-what?!

Cao Cao: Oh, come on! We're facing a real problem here and you don't even have anything to say about it?!

Xiahou Dun: W-what the hell I'm supposed to say, huh?! It just seems like whatever I said would ALWAYS sounds wrong in your ears…

Cao Cao: What?! Argh! Seriously, what the hell's wrong with you?! I'm getting stressed the hell outta this and everyone just doesn't give a shit about it! Even Jia Xu's not helping…

Xiahou Yuan: **enters the palace while helping Guo Huai** Garkh…my…lord…ah!

Xiahou Dun: Yuan? Uhh….what's wrong with…him?

Xiahou Yuan: Yeah, well, that's what I'm trying to tell you at the first place!

Cao Cao: Oh, Yuan! You're back! What is it?

Xiahou Yuan: Argh…damn, he's so heavy to drag around! Erm, okay, while we were taking a walk outside, suddenly a baozi hit him right in his face, knocking him out cold!

Xiahou Dun: Baozi? Now that's just absurd.

Xiahou Yuan: I know! So, rather than becoming a waste, I decided to eat it. However, I found this piece of paper right here inside. Thank god I didn't eat it…blegh.

Cao Cao: A piece of paper? Hm. Interesting.

Xiahou Dun: That's weird. I thought fortune cookies are the ones that usually have this inside. Now it became fortune baozi instead?

Cao Cao: Hmmm….oh! OHHHH!

Xiahou Yuan: What is it?

Cao Cao: This is it….THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE HELP WE ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! YES! YESSSSS! PRAISE THE HEAVENNNNNSSSSSSSS! **jumps around**

Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan: **sweatdrop**

Xiahou Dun: Uhhh….cousin?

Cao Cao: Oh! What?

Xiahou Dun: May I ask just WHAT does that paper contain?

Cao Cao: Oh! Of course! I forgot! Haha! Well, it may surprise you, but it's what we all needed!

Xiahou Dun: Tch, let me see!

1\. The poster boy

2\. That blond tsundere

3\. An AC-ripoff

4\. A blond-drunk-playboy

5\. Lu Bu's whore

6\. Guan Yu's daughter

7\. That shota-pyromaniac

8\. MWAHAHA!

9\. Xiahou Dun

10\. That whiny narcissistic asshole

11\. The paintbrush dude

12\. Cao Cao's USELESS son

13\. KILL MA CHAO

14\. Chinese Bieber

15\. Screw pirates, screw everything

16\. He's tall, he's handsome, he's…okay, I guess that's it

17\. May or may not be a jiangshi

18\. Zhuge's cocksucker

19\. Zhang Liao

20\. That one short guy

21\. Lu Bu

22\. JUSTICE!

23\. There's just too much Guanbabies already, why must we have him

24\. The emotionless girl

25\. OH NO I DON'T WANNA FIGHT GET AWAY FROM ME KYAAAHHHH

26\. Cao Cao

27\. MY BELOVED! :33333333333

28\. Zzzzz…

leash-holder

30\. BAOZIIIIIII

31\. Cai Wenji

32\. I'm a proud tigress of the Suns- OH LIU BEI EHMERGERD I LOVE YOU

33\. PIRATES

34\. I have a bad feeling about this

35\. I'm a giant bitch, also CAO PI I LOVE YOU AHHHH

36\. Lu Su

37\. DEM ABS

38\. Xiahou Yuan

39\. The Handsome Zhou

40\. BOOBIES

41\. GUAN SUOASDFHJKL- bitch shut the hell up

42\. Zhuge Liang

43\. The son of the God of War

44\. Sun Ce

45\. Lu Meng

46\. Zhou Tai

47\. EHEHEHEHE I'MMA JAILBAIT SUGAR AND RAINBOWS EHEHEHEHE

48\. Zhuge Dan

49\. BEAUTIFULLLL!

50\. Liu Bei's retarded son

51\. The descendant of the God of Fire

52\. Han Dang

53\. Deng Ai

54\. Yuan Shao

55\. BENEVOLENCE!

56\. Guan Yu

57\. Yueying

58\. Guo Huai

59\. Pang Tong

60\. Zuo Ci

61\. Wei Yan

62\. Pang De

63\. Xu Huang

64\. Oh no I can't do this wuhuhuhu

65\. Dong Zhuo

66\. Sun Jian

67\. The flower boy

68\. Dian Wei

69\. Zhang Jiao

70\. Meng Huo

71\. Taishi Ci

72\. Cao Ren

73\. Huang Zhong

74\. Zhang Fei

75\. Ding Feng

76\. Xu Zhu

77\. Huang Gai

Xiahou Dun: …

Cao Cao: Ahahahaa! Brilliant, ain't it?

Xiahou Dun: ….the popularity poll? Seriously?

Cao Cao: What? Come on, Dun, you have to open your eyes a bit-

Xiahou Dun: I don't have eyes.

Cao Cao: Oh right, only one. But still, this way we can we can really know what characters beside the pretty boys and girls that the fans adore, and that way we can make them the new poster boy/main characters!

Xiahou Dun: What?! Are you fucking serious?

Cao Cao: Hell, of course I am!

Xiahou Dun: But really, don't you think the fans would be…shocked, upon discovering announced sudden changes?

Cao Cao: Meeeehhh, it's alright. They'll get used to it.

Xiahou Dun: Heh…but still, don't you think this list is kinda…weird?

Cao Cao: Weird?

Xiahou Dun: Yes, I mean, look at it…the names of the people who disappeared aren't mentioned at all, only by their nicknames here.

Cao Cao: You think that they literally disappeared out of existence, including their names?

Xiahou Dun: Maybe. Hmm….okay, is it just me or that I don't see Jia Xu's name here?

Cao Cao: Eh? What do you mean? He's certainly still with us here, right?

Xiahou Dun: Of course. He didn't get kidnapped, but…

Cao Cao: Hmmm…well, he was at the 27th place, right?

Xiahou Dun: 27th? Let me see….oh. Now THAT'S suspicious.

Cao Cao: Not so. It's practically a public secret at this point…so anyway, Dun, you'll be the new poster boy.

Xiahou Dun: What the-?! Hey! What the fuck makes you think I wanna be that?! Nope! Nope! NEVER!

Cao Cao: What?! Come on Dun, the proof's right here before your eyes! You're the most popular non-pretty boy we have here, and the fans will be DELIGHTED to see you as the poster boy!

Xiahou Dun: What?! Come on! If I were the poster boy that means Koei'll have to re-orientate the story to make us the protagonists!

Cao Cao: Exactly, and we deserve it!

Xiahou Dun: I know, but you KNOW that developers AND the fans themselves would sure HELL NOT want that to happen!

Cao Cao: Pshah! It's alright! A lot of the fans are SICK of Shu's benevolence bullshit, so it's fine, trust me!

Xiahou Dun: But I don't WANT to! Use Zhang Liao! He too, is the second most popular non-bishonen here. And considering that a lot of people are already sick of me stealing the spotlight anyway I'm afraid they won't accept me.

Cao Cao: Zhang Liao, eh? Well, he could have potential, but he's not iconic enough.

Xiahou Dun: Then YOU should be the poster boy instead.

Cao Cao: What?! Why me?!

Xiahou Dun: Because, well, you're more iconic to the era than me, so you should be in.

Cao Cao: Eh, hell no!

Xiahou Dun: Well, see! You're forcing the other guys to be the poster boy, but you refuse yourself! That's just so cowardly of you!

Cao Cao: Well, you see, that's because I'm not as badass as you nor Zhang Liao! To be the poster boy, you have to do all kinds of impossible shit to make yourself look cool! Me? I can't do ANY of those!

Xiahou Dun: Then who-

Jia Xu: **suddenly enters the room** Okay…am I needed here? Because I don't have any work to do.

Xiahou Dun and Cao Cao: **stares at each other, then looks at the popularity poll**

Xiahou Dun: …cousin?

Cao Cao: Precisely.

Xiahou Dun: Hey, Jia Xu, c'mere.

Jia Xu: Eh?

Cao Cao: Okay, Jia Xu, for the longest time we know that we've been such jackasses toward you, you know that?

Jia Xu: Psh, about time you figured it out. Then what?

Xiahou Dun: And so, to atone for our faults toward you, we want you to be the new poster boy.

Jia Xu: …the hell?

Cao Cao: You heard it. Be the new poster boy.

Jia Xu: What….the…fuck? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?!

Xiahou Dun: Listen, listen, Jia Xu, you must surely know that our regular poster boy, Zhao Yun, is missing. We need a new poster boy immediately to replace him!

Cao Cao: We originally intended Dun, Zhang Liao, and me to be the replacement, but no one wanted to. Since you're the next in line, you're our only hope!

Jia Xu: To hell with that! ME? The poster boy?! Seriously, that way the fans'll desert the series immediately!

Xiahou Dun: Oh, don't be so negative! Even moreso, since you're the Author's favorite character, this will make her go CRAZY and will sure as hell make her buy 250 copies of this game immediately! We'll be rich!

Jia Xu: Argh, bringing the Author into this will only makes the matters WORSE, okay! It doesn't even fucking matter! I mean, EVERYONE knows that she's a broke girl who can't even afford even a single game on Steam! Argh, her memory suddenly resurfaced again….I need a break…gruhh….

Cao Cao: Hey, HEY! Argh, now what are we gonna do, huh?!

Xiahou Dun: Well, then again, it's kinda my fault for bringing the Author up at the first place…trust me, I coulda sworn that she might be WORSE than ALL psycho fangirls in the fandom regarding Jia Xu…

* * *

 _Shu_

 _Zhuge Liang is shown to be walking outside the Shu palace while thinking about the problem._

Zhuge Liang: Huff…really, without the poster boy, how we can even go on- **suddenly struck by a flying baozi in the face** OUCH! Fuck! What the hell is this? …baozi? Really? Who the fuck could've suddenly thrown it right into my face anyway?! Tch, I don't like baozi anyway. Maybe somebody else would want it. **enters the palace**

Pang Tong: Hm? Oy, Zhuge! I never thought you like baozi! You had always told me how much you hate them…

Zhuge Liang: Well, I'm NOT going to eat it. I just found it outside, and I thought someone would want it.

Pang Tong: Huh? You found this baozi outside? How?

Zhuge Liang: Look, it's complicated. The thing is, I'm NOT going to eat it.

Pang Tong: Oh, I see. Well, in that case, just give it to me, then. I don't want such food to be put to waste.

Zhuge Liang: Oh. Okay! (IS THIS WHERE HE'S GOING TO SHOW HIS FACE? MY GOD, I'VE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT HIS FACE FOR YEARS, MAYBE HE'LL SHOW IT-)

Pang Tong: Uhhh….hello? You're zoning out a bit.

Zhuge Liang: Emmm…oh! Oh, right! Forgive me. Here.

Pang Tong: Thank you. And, umm….

Zhuge Liang: What?

Pang Tong: Could you please…turn around?

Zhuge Liang: Eh? Why?

Pang Tong: Because I will open my mask.

Zhuge Liang: So what?

Pang Tong: Trust me, I did that in front of someone once. You do NOT want how he turns out due to seeing my face.

Zhuge Liang: Err…okay, I know that you're known to be UGLY, but not THIS ugly.

Pang Tong: Just turn around, will you?

Zhuge Liang: Geez, alright, alright. **turns around** (NOOOOO! BUT I WANNA SEE HIS FACE HE'S GONNA BE ONE SEXY BASTARD I KNOW IT ASDFGHJKLKJHGFDSA)

Pang Tong: Okay, nomnomnom….eh? BLEGGHHHH! EWWW!

Zhuge Liang: **immediately turns around** AH! What? WHAT?! (YASSS! NOW I GOT TO SEE HIS FACE-)

Pang Tong: Blegh, blargkh, ewww….there's a piece of paper in my baozi!

Zhuge Liang: Paper? What paper? (What?! NOOOO I DON'T GET TO SEE HIS FACE HUHUHUHUHUUUU)

Pang Tong: Here…argh, blegh….

Zhuge Liang: Hmm, let's see…..gasp! T-the popularity poll?!

Pang Tong: Eh? Popularity poll?

Zhuge Liang: Yeah! I frankly don't know who sent this, but…

Pang Tong: Tch, come on, who believes in that garbage anyway? We ALL know that the pretty boys and girls are the ones dominating the top spots.

Zhuge Liang: Well, yeah, pretty true….I mean, look at this! I'm at 42nd place whereas Jiang Wei is at 18th! What the fuck!

Pang Tong: Still better than me, though.

Zhuge Liang: Sigh…really, so this is where it's truly come to. The REAL icons of the era ended up being shafted whereas it's the one-note pretty boys who got all the love.

Guan Yu: Hm? Hey, what are you two talking about?

Zhuge Liang: Oh, Guan Yu. Here, we would like you to take a look at this.

Guan YU; Hm? Wait, the popularity poll?

Zhuge Liang: Yes.

Guan Yu: ….oh come on! Now that's utter crap! How come I and my brothers ended up at the rock bottoms?! This doesn't make any sense!

Pang Tong: Well, when was it that the fandom EVER made sense at the first place?

Zhuge Liang: Yeah. I mean, look it here. And yet you STILL wished to be the poster boy?

Guan Yu: ….

Zhuge Liang: But still, I suppose this list can be actually useful for us to determine what should be done next. Though given that the remaining characters are generally at the absolute worst rock bottoms, I suppose it won't help much…

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Well, since it's too long I have to split this into two parts, the second part coming tomorrow. Review and have a good day!


	8. Popularity Poll-shit, Part 2

_Continuing from the previous chapter…_

* * *

 _Chapter 8: Popularity Poll-shit, Part 2_

* * *

 _Shu_

Zhuge Liang: So, from what I've seen from this poll, Xiahou Dun is the most popular non-bishounen overall, Lu Bu is the most popular non-bishounen from Other, Lu Su is the most popular non-bishounen from Wu, while I am the most popular non-bishounen from Shu. The rest are usually at the absolute rock bottom of the list.

Guan Yu: Now that's just bullshit. Come on, do they think that we can't be as interesting as the pretty boys, or what? Hell, sometimes we actually have MORE personality and worth than those kids!

Pang Tong: Sigh, well, when was it that the polls EVER make sense, anyway?

Zhuge Liang: Well, we can't really blame the poll. Or the fandom, for that matter. Koei only holds this poll for the Japanese fandom, after all.

Pang Tong: Seriously, is there ANY excuse for Koei to NOT hold this poll to the rest of the world? If the Western fans get to vote as well I'm sure the results will be a hella lot different.

Zhuge Liang: Reason one, they don't have the cost to do it. Reason two, it's probably pointless since they KNOW that the top spots are gonna be stolen by the Wei cast anyway.

Guan Yu: Now that's bullshit.

Pang Tong: EVERYTHING about the fandom IS bullshit.

* * *

 _Wu_

 _Sun Jian is shown walking back and forth thinking about the problem, when suddenly he heard a loud scream from outside._

Sun Jian: Hufftt….seriously, if ANYTHING ever happens to those then-

?: AH!

Sun Jian: WHOA! What's that? **runs outside**

Outside, he found Sun Ce lying on the floor after a baozi hit him.

Sun Jian: AAAHHHH! CE! W-WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! ARGH! **lifts Sun Ce up**

Sun Ce: Grrrrhhhh….god…damn….bao….zi…

Sun Jian: Gah! Hm? Baozi? **picks up baozi** Well, now that's weird. Was this the thing that hit and knocked Ce out? Who the hell woulda thrown it here anyway? Ah, hell…I'm hungry right now. **eats baozi** ….hm? Eugh, blegh! What's this? …a paper?

Lu Su: Hm? Lord Sun Jian! What happened to Lord Sun Ce?

Sun Jian: Eh? Hmm…I know it may sound weird, but Sun Ce got knocked out cold by a baozi.

Lu Su: Baozi? What?

Sun Jian: I know, it's weird, and I don't understand either. However, when I attempted to eat it, there's this piece of paper inside.

Lu Su: Huh…that's weird. Let me see. **reads** …wait a minute, it's the popularity poll?

Sun Jian: Popularity poll?! Let me see! **snatches the paper away from Lu Su**

Lu Su: Ah! Please, just don't be rude like that…

Sun Jian: Okay, now… **trembles**

Lu Su: Ummm…my lord? Are you okay? Because-

Sun Jian: Ggrrrrhhhh…GAAAAAHHHHH! **rips the poll into shreds**

Lu Su: AAAAHHHHH! M-MY LORD?! WHYYYYY?!

Sun Jian: Pant…pant…HOW, in the name of mother-fucking-loving GOD that Dong Zhuo is more popular than me?! DONG ZHUO! Argh! This doesn't make ANY sense in the SLIGHTEST! People prefer his oversized, gross, pervert, greedy, obscene, repulsive ASS over ME?! WAAAAHHHH!

Lu Su: **sweatdrop** My lord, please, calm yourself-

Sun Jian: HOW THE HELL CAN I CALM DOWN?! I mean, LOOK AT THIS! Seriously, I bet at the time of the poll, I actually garnered the same number of votes as with that fat-ass, and then at the last second a retard came in and voted HIM over ME! This is utter BULLSHIT! Complete, comprehensive, compound BULLSHIT! WAAAAHHHH! **cries in a corner**

Lu Su: Argh, the shreds are flying everywhere…My Lord, I know you're upset but please don't-

Sun Jian: WAAAAHHHHH! THIS IS NOT FAIRRRRR! WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Lu Su: Erm, I-

Sun Jian: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sun Ce: **wakes up** Gaaarrhh, what's that noise- Huh?!

Sun Jian: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sun Ce: Urm…dad? Hey, Lu Su, what's wrong with my dad?

Lu Su: Erm….I suppose it's better not to tell you. Anyway, I need to glue these shreds of paper together.

Sun Ce: Uhhh…okay…

 _5 minutes later_

Lu Su: Whew! Done….

Sun Ce: Oh, you're back! So…what's that paper you're holding?

Lu Su: Uh, this is the popularity poll.

Sun Ce: What? Popularity poll?

Lu Su: Yeah. Lord Sun Jian found it inside the baozi that knocked you out cold and, well…let's just say that the results didn't impress him.

Sun Ce: Why? Let me see! Hmm…the fuck? DONG ZHUO is more popular than father?! How the hell does that even make any goddamn sense?!

Sun Jian: I KNOW RIGHT, I KNOW RIGHT! YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT OUT LOUD AGAIN, WAAAAHHHHH!

Sun Ce: Oh….so that's why….

Lu Su: Ah, well, I don't know myself, but please refrain from tearing that paper to shreds again, my lord. I used effectively my entire stock of glue for that…

Sun Ce: Yes, but still! Huff…okay, but where did this come from anyway? And here, only the ones who remained here had their names listed. Everyone else are replaced with their nicknames…what's up with that?

Lu Su: Yes, true, but the only exception seems to be Jia Xu. He remained here, and yet his nickname seems to be…suspicious.

Sun Ce: Really? …oh, you're right! Oh shit, do you think that SHE'S behind this all along?!

Lu Su: Ah, no, no, it's too early to jump into conclusions. After all, you know that she, unlike any other fangirls of the series, actually doesn't give a shit to the pretty boys of the series…

Sun Ce: Hm, you got a point. But I don't know, it just seems to obvious.

Lu Su: As I said before, it's too early to jump into conclusions. It might be her, or it might be those psycho fangirls, but we can't confirm any of those yet.

Sun Ce: I see. Hmm…well, damn, Lu Su! I never thought that you're the most popular old guy we have around here! Congratulations!

Lu Su: Oh, really?

Sun Ce: Yes! You're at the 36th place. That's pretty damn high considering that you're a newcomer.

Lu Su: Hehe, wow, I guess the fandom just prefers mature guys like me, or what?

Huang Gai: **enters the room** Hey, you guys! How's the progress here? …and…what's with Lord Sun Jian over there?

Sun Ce: Oh, Master Huang Gai! About dad, er…maybe you really need to take a look here.

Huang Gai: Hm? At what? …..WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PIECE OF SHIT?!

Lu Su: Er, ehem, it is the popularity poll-

Huang Gai: I know that! But the problem is…..HOW THE HELL I CAME AT THE LAST PLACE?! THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE IN THE SLIGHTEST! GRAAAHHHH! **rips the poll into shreds**

Lu Su: AAAHHH! No…NOT AGAIN! That could be a valuable piece of information! No….

Huang Gai: Seriously, how, how the fans somehow picked XU ZHU and DONG ZHUO over ME?! Those two are useless fat pieces of shit! I contributed greatly to our great victory at Chibi!

Lu Su: Well, I suspect it's due to the fact that you stick out like a sore thumb in our otherwise "pretty kingdom" for being OLD and UGLY….

Huang Gai: Well, fuck that! Ding Feng is 50x uglier than me! And THEY are 1000x uglier than me! This is cowcrap! Why don't people like experienced, mature veterans like me and Huang Zhong?!

Sun Ce: You can't exactly blame it ENTIRELY on the fandom, to be honest. You see, people CAN like, LOVE, even, experienced and mature veterans IF done RIGHT. Mostly if they turned out to be sexy grandpas.

Lu Su: Then again, not even THAT could guarantee, considering Lord Sun Jian…much less a guy like YOU.

Huang Gai: Now that's just mean! Gah! I almost lost hope ENTIRELY in this fandom! Fuck it! What's the use of Koei attempting to make me cooler if the fandom would just prefer looks over ability anyway?! WAAAHHH! **cries in a corner**

Lu Su and Sun Ce: **sweatdrop**

Sun Jian: Waaahhh…sob…sob…Master Huang Gai, we seem to suffer the same fate…waahhh! **hugs Huang Gai**

Huang Gai: I know Lord Sun Jian…waaahh! **hugs back**

Sun Jian and Huang Gai: WAAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAHHHH!

Lu Su and Sun Ce: **double sweatdrop**

* * *

 _Other_

 _At Dong Zhuo's residence, Lu Bu and Chen Gong is shown to be talking outside._

Lu Bu: Hrmf….GRAH!

Chen Gong: Aaahhh! L-lord Lu Bu?

Lu Bu: Seriously, Chen Gong! We can't let this to continue further! I can't live without my two girls Diaochan and Lingqi! Gah, whoever was responsible for this shall taste my blade!

Chen Gong: Ah, I see…

Lu Bu: YOU TOO, CHEN GONG! HELP ME IN SOLVING THIS!

Chen Gong: AAAHHH! Ah…f-forgive me, L-lord Lu B-bu!

Lu Bu: You're supposed to be my advisor! What good you truly are for if you can't help me in this kind of problem, anyway?!

Chen Gong: Aaaahh, I-I told you I'm sorry! But really, my lord, I can't really help you in this matter! The other kingdoms also seemingly don't have a clue of what's happening here, so I suppose we just have to wait for a help to come down from the sky, or something…

Lu Bu: Hmph! Sigh…I've faced many challenges in my life, but truly, THIS is where this has come down to…to not be able to- **has baozi flying right into his face** ARGH!

Chen Gong: AAAHHH! L-lord Lu Bu?! A-are you okay?!

Lu Bu: Grrrhhh…..GRAH! WHO DARED TO THROW A BAOZI INTO MY FACE?! THIS BAOZI MUST RECEIVE HIS PUNISHMENT! **lifts up halberd**

Chen Gong: (Oh, shit! No! I want to eat that baozi!) Ah! Please, don't do that, Lord Lu Bu!

Lu Bu: Chen Gong! What has come into you, daring to come between me and this object who has offended me?! Do you wish to die, too?!

Chen Gong: Aaahh, no, of course not! Here, what I'm trying to say is, THIS might be just the help we needed!

Lu Bu: Hm?! A help from a baozi?! What do you mean?

Chen Gong: Ah, hear me out first. There's NO way that it's a coincidence that someone threw baozi into your face RIGHT after you said you needed help. THIS is the help from the sky that I told you about! The Heaven is helping us!

Lu Bu: Oh, really? Well gee, I never thought about that. Without you, we surely would have lost a big help.

Chen Gong: (Hahaha, fucking idiot! He actually fell for it! I can't believe it!) Of course, my lord! Here, let me pick that baozi up and-

Lu Bu: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! You actually wanted to eat it, don't you?! This isn't a help from the sky! Why did you deceive me?! **lifts up halberd**

Chen Gong: (Oh, shit! SHITSHITSHIT!) Aaaahh! No, no! You clearly misunderstood again, my lord! Here, we surely won't know what's inside this baozi unless if we eat it, right?

Lu Bu: Well, shit, that's right! Ah, forgive me for my impulsiveness.

Chen Gong: Of course. And now…what the?! Blagh! Blegh! Ew, what the hell is this? ….oh my!

Lu Bu: Hm? What?

Chen Gong: This is it, Lord Lu Bu! Just what we need! The popularity poll!

Lu Bu: The poll? Well gee, I sure am pretty popular with the fans, but what does it have to do with our problem?

Chen Gong: Ah, you see, my lord, here, your massive popularity will surely justify in you becoming the new poster boy now that Zhao Yun's gone. You have already appeared in DW8XL anyway, so the fans surely won't object! And, once you became the poster boy, whoever kidnapped these missing people will surely return them out of sheer fear of your might!

Lu Bu: Hmmm….

* * *

 _Wei_

Cao Cao: Hrmf….Dun, is there absolutely NOTHING we can do here?!

Xiahou Dun: I'm sorry cousin, but…I truly can't. Now that Jia Xu's gone too, there's no one we can ask help from.

Cao Cao: AAAHHH! **headdesk**

Suddenly, a servant entered the palace, panting.

Servant: Pant…pant…Lord Cao Cao! There's bad news!

Xiahou Dun: What?! Shit, now that cousin's in depression, now there's bad news as well?! What is it?!

Servant: Pant…pant…Lu Bu has...pant…pant…Lu Bu has declared himself the new poster boy of the series!

Cao Cao: ….what?! How the hell can he?!

Xiahou Dun: It just seems that he too, received the popularity poll like us. He probably noticed his massive popularity within the fandom, so he went to steal the poster boy title before anyone else.

Cao Cao: Lu Bu….that animal simply doesn't know when to quit, does he?! Dun!

Xiahou Dun: Yes?

Cao Cao: Prepare the army at once! We will march upon Lu Bu – and stop him from being the poster boy!

Xiahou Dun: W-wha?! You serious?!

Cao Cao: I'm serious! Look, we can't let him steal the poster boy title, because he wasn't even affiliated with any of the Three Kingdoms! He will ruin the series' image!

Xiahou Dun: Ah…understood!

 _Later_

Cao Cao: Everyone's here. Now, listen, the people of Wei! Ever since this disaster happened, we lost our essential poster boy, Zhao Yun! There has been a debate as to who shall replace his position, however, that whelp Lu Bu took advantage of this and went to take the position himself without ANYONE'S approval. We can't let him ruin this series' image! Everyone, FORWARD!

Everyone: YOOOO!

* * *

 _At the Zhao Yun's Memorial (it's essentially a place to commemorate the current poster boy. If it is replaced by someone else's statue then said person will be the new poster boy)_

Lu Bu: Hm! Finally! I never thought that this day would come!

Chen Gong: Of course, my lord. Just one strike of your halberd to destroy this statue and replace it with yours, then you shall be the new poster boy.

Lu Bu: I understand. **lifts up halberd**

Cao Cao: Wait a minute, Lu Bu!

Lu Bu: What? Cao Cao! What brings you here?!

Cao Cao: I'm here to stop you from stealing the poster boy title! Leave that statue alone!

Chen Gong: Whoa, whoa, you surely haven't understood the situation here, Cao Cao.

Cao Cao: Chen Gong! What do you have to say about this, huh?!

Chen Gong: Know, we surely all know that at this point, the 'legitimate' poster boy, Zhao Yun, is missing. We surely can't go on in the series without him, so someone HAS to take his place.

Xiahou Dun: But surely it can't be Lu Bu who will take the place! He isn't even in any of the kingdoms, which is what this series is all about!

Chen Gong: Ah, yes, about that. Well, it's still a better choice, because even though you, and Master Zhang Liao ranked higher than him in the poll, you two are not as iconic as him. And besides, Lord Lu Bu HAS, after all, been featured as the 'official' poster boy of DW8XL, so there's no excuse as to why he can't be one again!

Cao Cao: But the fans surely won't be as interested in the series! No Zhao Yun = no buy! The fans will go absolutely ballistic!

Xiahou Dun: Tch, let's just stop all of this mindless babbling and strike at them already!

Lu Bu: Grrr…YOU VERMINS DARE TO FACE ME?! COME!

Cao Cao: Everyone, STRIKE FORWARD!

The entire Wei: YOOOO!

?: WAIT JUST A MINUTE!

Everyone else: Gasp!

Cao Cao: Who is that?!

Zhuge Liang: Wait…just…a minute!

Lu Bu: Zhuge Liang?!

Yueying: I hope we made it in time…

Zhuge Liang: We did, we did. Now, stop it! We can solve this problem without any necessary byte-shed!

Cao Cao: But how? He attempts to unrightfully steal the poster boy title from Zhao Yun!

Lu Bu: Still, it's better since you're less popular than me, anyway.

Cao Cao: Hey!

Zhuge Liang: Now, stop it! Huff…okay, by ALL technicality, XIahou Dun should be the new poster boy since he's the most popular guy we have here-

Xiahou Dun: Whoa, whoa, hold on there! I don't wanna be the poster boy! Pick Zhang Liao instead!

Zhang Liao: Hey, hell no! Lord Cao Cao deserves it more!

Cao Cao: My ass! Pick Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: Hey! Fuck no! If it's me then the Author'll go straight at me again! To hell with that! Just pick-

Zhuge Liang: Grrr…ENOUGH! Okay, look, I'm sure that all of us have received that poll-shit, which became the justification for this. However, at this point it just doesn't work anymore!

Everyone else: Huh?

Zhuge Liang: Look, that poll was taken at 2013. Things are surely different now, coupled with all the new additions in DW8XL. That poll is simply not relevant anymore for this problem.

Cao Cao: Assuming you're correct, then….what should we do?

Zhuge Liang: Look, at this point, what we do is to hold a new poll for EVERYONE to vote, and I do mean EVERYONE since this time it's NOT only in Japan. We will also include the new additions who don't get to be voted in the last poll. From the results, we will see who among us is currently the most popular character, and he'll get to be the new poster boy temporarily.

Lu Bu: You sure that plan will work? Because hell, I guess we ALL know who will win the poll…

Xiahou Dun: H-hey!

Lu Bu: Hey, I was talking about ME, not YOU.

Xiahou Dun: Oh. But still.

Zhuge Liang: Okay, that's enough! We need to do this soon, for the good of this series! Understood!

Everyone else: YOOO!

* * *

 _So, everyone later went around the land, posting the new popularity poll (though only for the remaining guys) for EVERYONE to vote in. They were anxious waiting for the results, with one half wishing to be the newest most popular guy and becoming the poster boy, and the other half desperately wishing to come out at the rock bottom instead…_

* * *

Okay, as you've read, this time I will hold an ACTUAL poll that you readers can vote to be your favorite non-bishounen male character, with the most popular one getting to be the poster boy at the next chapter. I will hold this poll until Friday the 9th, 18.00 PM. Hope so that your favorite character will win! Okay, as always, leave a review and have a good day!


	9. Poster Boy Problem

_Chapter 9: Poster Boy Problem_

* * *

 _After the fiasco regarding who should be the new poster boy replacing Zhao Yun based on the popularity poll(shit)s, in which Lu Bu declared himself the new poster boy solely because he's the most popular DW character in the West, Zhuge Liang defused the whole situation and decided to hold an actual poll to see who the (Western) fans want as the new poster boy. And now, the results are about to be announced…_

* * *

 _Zhao Yun's Memorial_

Zhuge Liang: Ahem. So, ladies and gentleman, now is finally the time where we'll announce the results of this popularity poll to decide the new poster boy…

Lu Bu: Awww yesss! He'll sure as hell announce my name! THIS IS GREAT!

Cao Cao: Tch, shut it up, would you?!

Xiahou Dun: Argh! Cousin, don't be so impulsive!

Cao Cao: But Dun! Argh, you don't know how much I HATE it when he gets to be in the spotlight THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME.

Xiahou Dun: Face the truth, cousin. Infact, this is the best course for ALL of us, considering that NO ONE wanted to be the poster boy but him…

Zhuge Liang: Okay, now, the winner is…..

 **drum rolls**

Zhuge Liang: ….eh….wait…..the fuck? No, no, this can't be….NO!

Cao Cao: Hm? What is it?

Zhuge Liang: Seriously! There was only ONE guy who voted all this time?! THE FUCK!

Cao Cao: What?! You serious?!

Zhuge Liang: I'm serious! And, that one person voted for….

 **drum rolls again**

Zhuge Liang: …LU BU!

Cao Cao: WHAT?!

Lu Bu: WOOO-HOOO! YEAAAAHHHHH!

Cao Cao: What the?! Argh, that is complete nonsense! Why in the hell would anyone want Lu Bu as the new poster boy anyway?! Shit, seriously, gimme that poll results!

Zhuge Liang: Ah!

Cao Cao: Grh…this is BULLSHIT! There was only ONE guy who voted for THIS guy?! The results is unacceptable! It's invalid!

Zhuge Liang: Ah, well, you see, since he was the only one who voted we don't really have much of a choice-

Cao Cao: Seriously! What kind of a poll it is when only ONE guy who got to vote! Argh! I don't care! Re-poll! RE-POLL! **starts to beat up Zhuge Liang**

Xiahou Dun: Gaaahhh! Cousin! **tries to restraint Cao Cao**

Zhuge Liang: Awgh….well…regardless…Lu Bu is the new poster boy now, so we ought to make preparations.

Cao Cao: Agh…shit! I was hoping so that you would win the poll, Dun!

Xiahou Dun: Eugh, hell no! I have enough fangirls crowding me already, don't wanna another ones flocking thanks to me being featured in the box art and stuff…

Lu Bu: Awww yeah! Now, step aside, for the new spotlight of the series to pass through!

Cao Cao: Grrrrhhhhh…..YOU!

Zhuge Liang: Alright…now, we shall do the statue replacement ceremony-

Lu Bu: **already shattered Zhao Yun's statue**

Zhuge Liang: AAAAHHH! Lu Bu, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?!

Lu Bu: Eh? What? I'm making things faster, after all! I destroy this, then I'll place my statue in it's place!

Zhuge Liang: But that's not the way it- sigh….okay, fine! Do as you want! You're the new poster boy anyway, so how could I even complain…

Lu Bu: Haha! That's fine! Now, Chen Gong!

Chen Gong: **carries Lu Bu's statue** Alright! Urf…but still…this is way, WAY too heavy….argh….

Lu Bu: Alright! And now….HYAH! **places the statue in place of Zhao Yun's**

 _After Lu Bu placed his statue, suddenly the statue shines brightly._

Everyone: AAAAAHHHHH!

 _When the light stops, however, Lu Bu's already gone._

Zhuge Liang: Agh…eh, huh? Where's Lu Bu?!

Chen Gong: Aaaahhh! L-l-lord Lu Bu?! Where are you?!

Cao Cao: Awww yeah! He's gone! Now, I shall live the rest of my life not having to be interrupted by that cockroach again! Whoo!

* * *

 _Meanwhile, somewhere…._

Lu Bu: Gah! …huh? W-where am I?! What is this place?!

?: Hahaha! Welcome, Lu Bu!

Lu Bu: Gaaahhh! W-who are you?! Where are you?!

?: Hohoho, I'm simply a mysterious voice in the sky talking to you right now, though now that I've given it away it doesn't seem mysterious anymore, but anyway! I thereby declare you the de facto new poster boy of Dynasty Warriors! Congratulations! **rains down confetti with a victory chorus on the background**

Lu Bu: **sweatdrop** Oookkkkaaayyy….

?: But wait! Since now you're the poster boy, we have a lot of new jobs you have to fulfill now!

Lu Bu: What kind of jobs?

?: Ohoho….ah, you'll see…

* * *

 _Back in the real world…_

Zhuge Liang: ARGH! Now we've lost even Lu Bu as well! Is there….is there ANY hope for us now?!

Yueying: My lord, calm yourself down! I mean, don't you remember the VERY first day you, Zhao Yun, and couple other characters who debuted at the VERY first DW game came into existence?

Zhuge Liang: Hm? Oh, that day, huh….

* * *

 _Flashback…(around 19 years ago)_

 _Shu_

Zhao Yun: **enters the palace** Oh my god, you guys!

Zhuge Liang: Hm? Gee, Zhao Yun, what's the big fuss?

Zhao Yun: Here, here! Koei said that I got to be the poster boy for this game!

Zhuge Liang: Oh really? That's goo- WAIT, WHAT?!

Guan Yu: **spits coffee**

Zhang Fei: The fuck?! Y-you serious?!

Zhao Yun: I'm serious! Look, they asked us to immediately go to the central garden for my coronation! Oh my god, this is so exciting!

Zhuge Liang: You can NOT be serious! No, NO! How the hell could have they picked YOU as the poster boy?!

Guan Yu: Yeah! I mean, come on! I am more fitting to be the poster boy! The Three Kingdoms era is SUPPOSED to be represented by ME, not you!

Zhang Fei: Is it because you're prettier than us, or something?

Zhuge Liang: If anything I should be the poster boy! I'm basically the protagonist of the novel, you see! Pretty much the entire story revolves around ME!

Zhao Yun: Pssshhh, shut up! All of you are pretty much jealous for not being as pretty and sexy as I am, haha!

Zhuge Liang: The fuck?! Oh, you little!

* * *

 _Back into the present…_

Zhuge Liang: …oh, RIGHT. There was so much fiasco there, more than I could imagine…

Yueying: Then what happened next?

Zhuge Liang: Hmmm…..

* * *

 _Back into flashback..._

Zhuge Liang: Alright, so what the hell are we supposed to do here, huh?

Zhao Yun: Well, we're going to place my statue up there to establish my status as the poster boy of the series! Hell yeah!

Cao Cao: Hey, you! **punches Zhao Yun**

Zhao Yun: Gah! Chill out, dude! The fuck was that for?!

Cao Cao: I STILL couldn't get over the fact that YOU were selected instead of ME. I mean, I was the TRUE hero of the Three Kingdoms. Not you!

Zhuge Liang: Well, the novel is heavily Shu-biased anyway, so…

Xiahou Dun: Hyah! **punches Zhao Yun**

Zhao Yun: OW! Shit, you too?! What's your fucking problem?!

Xiahou Dun: If anything, I should be the poster boy. Why? Because I really was more badass than YOU! The eyepatch, son. The goddamn eyepatch. Deal with it.

Zhao Yun: Oh, come on! Well look, I seriously don't think that making a Wei-centered game seems like a good idea, okay, unless if you play as the villains! Bear with it!

Xiahou Dun: That STILL doesn't change the fact that historically, we- **punched by Zhou Yu**

Zhou Yu: Not so fast!

Zhao Yun: Zhou Yu?! What the hell are you doing?!

Zhou Yu: Now, let me say that the Wu is pretty much shoved into the background for like ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, so I should be the poster boy in order to garner more recognizance for Wu! After all, I'm strong, smart, AND pretty!

Sun Shangxiang: Or, just to hell with poster boys, alright! Why not have poster girls?! This era is incredibly sexist, after all, so to have me as the poster girl will DEFINITELY improve the women rights here!

Zhao Yun: Well, EVERYBODY knows that's a bad idea! I mean, seeing how you women wear pretty much next to nothing, people will be afraid that this is another Ikkitousen!

Zhou Yu: Huh? Has Ikkitousen even existed yet? Ah, whatever, the case is, I should be the poster boy!

Zhao Yun: You just can't steal it like that! I was chosen directly by the directors, so I have the full right to that

Xiahou Dun: But still, I'm the most badass AND manliest guy compared to you, so I should be the one instead.

Zhou Yu: Me!

Zhao Yun: ME!

Xiahou Dun: MEEEEE!

Lu Bu: Tch, what pitiful vermin you are! Does ANYONE recognize that I, by all rights, should be the poster boy?!

Zhao Yun: Lu Bu?!

Xiahou Dun: I'm afraid we can't let you to do so, because you were a dumbass, and-

Lu Bu: WHAT! HOW DARE YOU TO CALL ME, THE MIGHTY LU BU, LIKE THAT! YOU SHALL DIE!

Lu Xun: WAAAAIIIIITTT!

Everyone: Huh?!

Zhou Yu: Lu Xun! What are you doing here?

Lu Xun: Well, I obviously don't want any of you to fight each other like this! Look, Zhao Yun is the poster boy, yes, but that doesn't mean you'll all get shoved into the background! No! Look, you'll all STILL get your share of love and screentime, from the developers and fans alike, don't fight over this like a bunch of children!

Xiahou Dun: Hmm…he's right!

Lu Bu: I suppose he does have a point! Well, I'm sorry for causing the chaos at the first place!

Xiahou Dun: Ah, well, it was actually my fault, but I'm sorry too!

Lu Xun: Good. Now, we shall prepare the statue of Zhao Yun to be placed on that display, and everything would be fine.

Zhou Yu: Oh my…Lu Xun! My little boy! How….how can you be so wise?

Lu Xun: Haha, I'm simply trying to avoid unnecessary bloodshed, that's all.

Zhuge Liang: Well done, Lu Xun. You may have saved the rest of us from a disaster.

Lu Xun: Disaster? What do you mean?

Zhuge Liang: Hmph…well, at the moment people are making a great deal about being the poster boy, but trust me, one day they WILL know the horrors of being a poster boy…oh yes, they will…including Zhao Yun himself…

Zhou Yu: Eh? I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are talking about here.

Zhuge Liang: Hahaha…well, when was it that you EVER understood what I talked about, anyway?

Zhou Yu: W-what?! Hey!

Zhao Yun: Okay! Now, we just need to place it here, and- OWHOA! AAAHHH! MY EYESSSS!

* * *

 _Back into present…._

Zhuge Liang: …and then he disappeared as well! Just like Lu Bu now!

Yueying: And how did he return?

Zhuge Liang: Hmmm….

* * *

 _Back into flashback…._

Zhuge Liang: What the hell?! W-w-where did Zhao Yun go?! Aaaahhhh!

Zhou Yu: Oh…is THIS the kind of disaster you talked about?

Zhuge Liang: Not that! But…my god! What the hell is this?! He's GONE! Like, there's no trace of him whatsoever!

Lu Xun: Zhuge Liang, calm down! Look, he's the poster boy now, so I don't think that something bad would happen to him.

Zhuge Liang: But-! Huff….okay, I suppose maybe it really is just him being called by a mysterious voice from the air who later gives out the details of being the poster boy to him…okay, guess not a real problem.

* * *

 _2 weeks later…._

Zhuge Liang: **drinks coffee**

Zhao Yun: **suddenly enters the palace in a horrible, beaten condition** Grarrgghhh…guys….I'm….back….bleurgh… **falls down**

Zhuge Liang: **spits coffee** Z-Z-Z-Z-ZHAO YUN?! Y-YOU'RE BACK! B-BUT….WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

Zhao Yun: Argh…..damn…it really IS tough to be a poster boy. Akh…I can even barely lift my leg now…

Zhuge Liang: My goodness. W-what happened to you?! What did they do to you?!

Zhao Yun: Basically, they put me in a nightmare worse than HELL in order to make me stronger and do feats that defy physics. They said it's to make me look cool. But….damn….

Zhuge Liang: (Dear God…maybe I should be thankful that I ended up being shafted instead…)

* * *

 _Back into the present…_

Zhuge Liang: Aaaanndddd that's how.

Yueying: Sucks for him, eh?

Zhuge Liang: It must be so. Well, in that case, I suppose we don't have to worry about Lu Bu-

 _At the precise time, Lu Bu appeared right back on the real world again._

Everyone: AAAAHHHH!

Chen Gong: AAAHHH! LORD LU BUUU! I'm so glad that you're safe- OW!

Lu Bu: Cut that gay crap out Chen Gong! Agh…I'm sorry everyone but, I quit, okay!

Zhuge Liang: Huh?! What do you mean that you quit?!

Lu Bu: Well, what I mean is, that's it! I do NOT want to be the poster boy anymore! It makes me terrified! **shudder**

Cao Cao: What?! Now that's absolute nonsense! You were bawling around wanting to be the poster boy and NOW you don't want it?! The fuck?!

Lu Bu: Well, that's because I initially don't know what this whole thing is about! I thought that I only get to appear at the opening cinematic and flipping off physics in general, but my god! It's much, MUCH WORSE than that!

Cao Cao: What do you mean?

Lu Bu: I mean, they, at first, offered a spinoff game featuring me, okay, just like Zhao Yun. I've got no problem with that, and was infact more than happy for it, but then they intended to feature me in various merchandises, which starts to creep me out. And then they want to create BODY PILLOWS of me!

Zhuge Liang: Good lord!

Lu Bu: I know right! Then they went on and ON and ON about how they'll do several "makeovers" to me in order to make me appeal more to the fangirls, but that's the moment where I simply decided to 'fuck it' and quit the whole mess. I mean…god!

Cao Cao: Wow. I know Koei's pretty bad at this sort of things, but Jesus! I never thought it would be THIS bad!

Lu Bu: I know! Huff….okay, so, I stopped being the poster boy. The position's vacant, and any of you could take it if you want!

Zhuge Liang: I'm sorry, but that seems to not be a part of the rules.

Lu Bu: Rules? What rules?

Zhuge Liang: Ummm….well, here…when someone becomes the poster boy, they have to remain being the poster boy and attend to the obligations for 3 full months before they can give their position to someone else.

Lu Bu: 3 WHOLE FRIGGIN' MONTHS?! NOOOOOO! WAAAAHHHHH!

Chen Gong: Aaaahhh! Lord Lu Bu, there's no need for you to be sad, I'm always here for- AH!

Lu Bu: SHUT UP! Waaahhh…how the hell could I even SURVIVE through this?!

Zhuge Liang: Remember, Lu Bu. You're the greatest badass of the Three Kingdoms. If that whiny, sissy Zhao Yun can do it then why can't you?

Lu Bu: Sniff…you're right! I must go through this ordeal to prove that I, Lu Bu, is the mightiest!

Zhuge Liang: That's the spirit! …..okay, to be honest I'm kinda worried as to how this will turn out, but I guess we'll just hope for the best. Oh well.

And so Lu Bu became the official new poster boy of Dynasty Warriors. But the others are still yet to find the true culprit behind the whole mess…

 _ **To Be Continued…..**_

* * *

So! As always, leave a review and have a good day!


	10. They're not bad, Koei drew them that way

_Chapter 10: They're not bad, Koei drew them that way_

* * *

 _Shu_

* * *

Zhuge Liang: Alright, huff…the poster boy problem's solved, but now we have to deal with the most essential element of this series' fandom.

Pang Tong: Who? The history enthusiasts? **smacked by Zhuge Liang** OW!

Zhuge Liang: That is infact the MINORITY within our fandom, idiot! No! What I mean is, of course, THE FANGIRLS. **in a dramatic tone**

Everyone: Gasp!

Pang Tong: Tch, the fangirls? Are you fucking serious?

Zhuge Liang: Of course I'm serious! This series, when you think about it, is really primarily marketed towards girls, and what are the results?

Guan Yu: Irrelevant people historically who get turned into fanservice characters just for the hell of it, AND relevant people historically who get turned into fanservice characters with little to no personalities just for the hell of it?

Zhuge Liang: Exactly.

Huang Zhong: Which, of course, resulted in us being shafted into the background despite our historical achievements.

Zhuge Liang: EXACTLY. Now, I think it's a good idea if someone badass from the history gets turned into a fanservice character, that's fine, it'll make the fans love him more, and that's great. But the problem comes when the fangirls pretty much evaluate characters SOLELY on their looks, and as a result ending up ignoring the badass historical characters who are unlucky enough to NOT be pretty boys.

Zhang Fei: Still, what about those guys at Wei, though? They're mostly populated by older men, and yet the fans still love them.

Zhuge Liang: Uhh…yeah, well first, because they're evil. Second, I missed out an EXTREMELY important detail: people can still be attractive without being pretty boys.

Pang Tong: But the thing is, we're certainly NOT among them.

Zhuge Liang: Depressing, I know. BUT! That is PRECISELY what I'm about to do here!

Guan Yu: What?

Zhuge Liang: Here…from my time surfing the internet, I found out that this fandom has hope. As in, there are a FEW people out there who actually prefer non-pretty boys over the pretty boys! True, they're the minority, but the hope is still there!

Pang Tong: So...?

Zhuge Liang: I mean, this means that even us, the unpopular old guys, can still bring fangirls back into the series even WITHOUT the pretty boys!

Huang Zhong: What do you mean by that?

Zhuge Liang: Tch, you idiot! Look, what we need to do is to do some makeover in order to appeal to the fangirls! And speaking of which...hey, you two! **points at Pang Tong and Wei Yan**

Pang Tong and Wei Yan: Hm?

Zhuge Liang: Ahaha….you think that I don't know the purpose of those masks?! Of course! You're wearing them only because you're afraid of drawing the fangirls all to yourselves!

Wei Yan: Don't…understand…

Zhuge Liang: Okay, you know what? Now is the time to let it all out! Remove your masks! (Hohoho….man! I can't wait to see what's beneath Pang Tong's mask! Oh yeah…he's not called "Bang Tong" for nothing, you know, I can feel it!)

Pang Tong: Uhhh…okay, dude, we KNOW that you're hyped about this moment, but…I'm sorry, we can't.

Zhuge Liang: Whaaaattt?! But whyyy?!

Pang Tong: Didn't I tell you? If you look at my face, YOUR face will MELT. Trust me, don't do it.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, come on! Look, I don't care! I just wanna see that face of yours!

Pang Tong: We can't, no seriously, we can't-

Zhuge Liang: JUST DO ITTT!

Pang Tong: Argh…huff….fine. But it's your decision. Wei Yan!

Wei Yan: Yes…..

Pang Tong and Wei Yan: **open masks**

Zhuge Liang: (YASSSSSS! But wait…the fuck?!) ….GAAAAHHHH! MY EYESSSSS! THEY'RE MELTIIIIIIIIIINNNGGGGGG!

Yueying: AAAAHHH! MY HUSBAND! **covers Zhuge Liang's eyes**

Zhuge Liang: Gaaaahhhh….what…what in the everloving mother of GOD was THAT?!

Pang Tong: I told you.

Zhuge Liang: Gah….hmm…okay, if that doesn't work, then….oh! I know! Let's give ourselves a shave!

Zhang Fei: A shave?! You friggin' serious?!

Zhuge Liang: Of course! Just look at Lord Liu Bei, Sun Quan, and Yuan Shao! If we get rid ourselves of facial hair, fangirls will come to flock to us at an instant!

Huang Zhong: Ehhh…sorry to interrupt, but-

Zhuge Liang: Wei doesn't count, okay! Well, I suppose the first one would be….uhh….ah, yes! Guan Yu!

Guan Yu: What the?! How dare you attempting to shave my Magnificent Beard! Hell no! I won't let you touch them!

Zhuge Liang: Well, I never cared for your goddamn beard anyway! Just, follow me! **drags Guan Yu by the beard into a room**

Guan Yu: GAAAAHHH! W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STOP! STOP TOUCHING MY BEAUTIFUL BEARD! GAAAAHHHHH!

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Zhang Fei: Gee, now I'm worried about brother's safety.

Pang Tong: Zhuge usually knows what he's doing….well, USUALLY.

* * *

 _5 hours (?!) later_

Zhuge Liang: Okay, it's done! Hey guys! Check this- WHOA, WHAT?! WHY IS EVERYBODY GONE?!

Pang Tong: Hm? Oh, hey! It's you! So you're still alive!

Zhuge Liang: What?! Of course I'm alive! What the hell makes you think I'm dead?

Pang Tong: Well…it's now 12 o'clock. We thought that Guan Yu murdered you there for trying to shave his beard, but guess we're wrong.

Zhuge Liang: Tch, you! Oh well, whatever! Ahem, so…thus I present you….THE NEW GUAN YU!

 **curtain opens to reveal the beardless Guan Yu**

Everyone: WHOOOOO! DAAAAAAMMMMNNN!

Guan Yu: Grrrhhh….Zhuge….you'll pay for this….

Zhang Fei: Hot damn, brother! Hahaha! No wonder your kids turned out to be quite fangirl-baits themselves! Well, seeing how my own kids look like, I'm kinda positive about this in regards to myself, hm…

Yueying: Still, is it me or that you now look a LOT like Guan Ping without your beard?

Zhuge Liang: And I thought Guan Ping was adopted?

Pang Tong: Ooohhhh! A scandal!

Guan Yu: Tch, s-shut up! I don't know! And…argh…this is going to scar my dignity forever….

Zhuge Liang: Don't be so bad about it! Look, this way, people are gonna believe that your kids are really yours, if you know what I mean, haha! **smacked by Guan Yu** AWGH!

Guan Yu: Shut the fuck up.

* * *

 _Wei_

Cao Cao: Hrmf….hey, Dun.

Xiahou Dun: Hm?

Cao Cao: Do you find it sorta weird, that…we are the kingdom with least amount of pretty boys and girls…and yet we ended up being the most popular kingdom, regardless?

Xiahou Dun: I thought Jin took that from us.

Cao Cao: Yeah, but then again, technically they're STILL Wei! But you get my idea.

Xiahou Dun: Maybe that's because we were historically the strongest kingdom?

Cao Cao: Could be. All of our badassery are real and legit, not biased made-up propaganda bullshit that is Shu…

Xiahou Dun: And the fact that we're evil.

Cao Cao: What? No, we're not.

Xiahou Dun: Ah yes, my bad. We WERE evil. But the game makes us out to be one, anyway.

Cao Cao: I know. If their intention to make us the 'villains' is to make us hated by the fandom and to make them root for Shu….

Xiahou Dun: ….then they FAILED. HORRIBLY.

Cao Cao: I know. Hmm…I wonder if it's BECAUSE of the fact that we're the kingdom with the least amount of pretty boys and girls that caused us to be liked instead?

Xiahou Dun: Could be so. Maybe our extreme and hardcore manliness also got something to do with it.

Cao Cao: Hahaha, of course! I mean, man! Other kingdoms are pussies compared to us!

Xiahou Dun: Still doesn't explain how the hell we somehow degraded into something so low as Jin, though….

Cao Cao: Yeah, I know. Sucks.

Jia Xu: Hey.

Cao Cao: Oh, Jia Xu. You're here. What's your business?

Jia Xu: Well, I thought you two are still thinking about this problem, so I thought I could help.

Cao Cao: Hmm, alright.

Xiahou Dun: Also, cousin, the more I think about it, this whole thing actually starts to make sense.

Cao Cao: Why?

Xiahou Dun: I mean, really. I have finally reached the conclusion that Koei LITERALLY can't make a character who's NOT fanservicey in some way.

Cao Cao: Oh, really? Hmm…you're right. If you look at a certain perspective….sometimes a really, REALLY twisted, screwed, fucked-up perspective.

Xiahou Dun: Yeah. Hell, Huang Gai's got his fangirls. DONG ZHUO, as well.

Cao Cao: Yeah. Well, not that it's necessarily a bad thing, though, it can still give this series some hope even without the pretty boys.

Xiahou Dun: Right. And then there are some…who have such abilities to make a single immature, unstable teenage girl to become thoroughly OBSESSED with him when NO ONE else does….

Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun: Hmmm….. **stares at Jia Xu with squinting eyes**

Jia Xu: W…w…what?! What's with all that stare?!

Cao Cao: Hehehehe….ah, it's alright. We're just….grateful, that we got you in our side.

Jia Xu: Why?

Xiahou Dun: Ah, you see…

Jia Xu: Huh. Okay. (Shit. Now that I think about it, they've been acting kinda strange towards me ever since the pretty boys' and girls' abduction. I guess I have to be more careful now. Perhaps it has something to do with my status as the Author's favorite? Ah, hell.)

* * *

 _Wu_

Sun Jian: This is not going anywhere! **slams desk**

Sun Ce: Ah! Father, what's with that?

Sun Jian: Well, just look at us! Disaster WILL come if we don't do something soon!

Lu Su: But the question is….what WOULD that SOMETHING be?

Sun Jian: That's the problem. Sigh…for almost 20 years, we've NEVER encountered something like this before. And we can't even do anything about it! Huff…

Huang Gai: Hm! Come on now, just relax, my lord! Hey, you see, it doesn't matter we got pretty boys or not. We just need to continue doing our best and be recognized, and we'll shine as bright as Chibi! No need to worry!

Sun Jian: You sure?

Sun Ce: Master Huang Gai's got a point, father. I mean, look at Wei. They only have old guys dabbling there, but they STILL remain badass and outstanding, which is why the people love them.

Lu Su: And considering how our kingdom is mostly considered BORIIINNGGGG by the fandom, I'd say we just need to improve our performances more!

Sun Jian: Hmm…I see! Well, your advice certainly helps! We shall continue uphold the honor of the Suns!

Everyone: YOOOO!

Sun Ce: But then again, it's not really a big problem to lose our pretty boys, I mean, hey! We too, ARE quite attractive on our own!

Sun Jian: Exactly! A lot of the fans dub me the 'Hottest DILF in the entire land'….though I have no idea what DILF is. But hey! It's always a good sign when you're called hot!

Huang Gai: Not to mention our dear friend Lu Su!

Lu Su: Hahaha, wow, really? I never thought I would be considered 'hot', but…

Sun Ce: Hahaha! Well! With this, we really got nothing to fear! We'll show them the TRUE strength of Wu when even Koei shafted us aside!

* * *

 _Other_

Chen Gong: **whistling while reading his 'special scrolls'**

Lu Bu: **entering the palace in a horrible condition** Blargh…Chen…Gong….I'm home…

Chen Gong: **frantically hides his 'special scrolls'** AAAHHH! Oh, Lord Lu Bu! You're home- AAAAHHH! MY GOODNES! What…what happened to you?!

Lu Bu: Well…first day being a poster boy….so much shit happened. Eurgh.

Chen Gong: Oh my god, you look terrible! What did they do to you?!

Lu Bu: Meh…they only put me among tsunamis, burning storms, burning ships, whathaveyou, but that's all fine to me. But then…

Chen Gong: Then what?

Lu Bu: ….then they intended to put me into various product advertisement DLC costumes, merchandises in provocative poses….you know. I tried to fight back, but my god…to use THOSE….that's just inhuman…

Chen Gong: Then again, you ARE inhuman, Lord Lu Bu.

Lu Bu: It's a fucking metaphor!

Chen Gong: Aaahhh! I-I'm sorry!

Lu Bu: Tch, whatever. Gah….really, when Zhao Yun came back…I suppose I'll dub HIM the mightiest of the era….seriously…

 _ **To Be Continued...**_

* * *

I know this is kinda short, but it's okay. As always, leave a review and have a good day!


	11. The Wizards Strike Again, Part 1

_Chapter 11: The Wizards Strike Again, Part 1_

* * *

 _An unknown place_

Zuo Ci: So….ahem. Sorry I'm late.

Zhang Jiao: Ah, my fellow magician!

Zuo Ci: So, umm…about this plan of yours…are you sure it's going to work?

Zhang Jiao: Of course! We have no choice! This is our only way to save this land from doom!

Zuo Ci: I know about that, but…

Zhang Jiao: What?

Zuo Ci: But, then again…considering our history, are you REALLY confident this would work? I mean, if not, then the entire land will flip out and begin to hunt for our heads…

Zhang Jiao: I'm sure! I mean, hey, at least it's not as bad as Xun Yu!

Zuo CI: Hmm…I see. Oh, and by the way, we're supposed to do this with three people, right? Who's the other one?

Zhang Jiao: Hmm…I think he will come here quite soon enough…

* * *

 _Shu_

Zhuge Liang: Hahahaha! This is fantastic! Ooh, oh! Let me take a picture of this wonderful moment! **takes a picture of beardless Guan Yu**

Guan Yu: What the- HEY!

Zhuge Liang: Hahahaha! This is great! Now, I just have to do this, and….yep! Perfect!

Guan Yu: Argh! Wh-what did you do?!

Zhuge Liang: Ohohohoo….secret.

* * *

 _Wei_

Cao Cao: **has his phone ringing** Hm?

Xiahou Dun: Cousin, what is it?

Cao Cao: Hmm…from…Zhuge Liang?

Xiahou Dun: Gasp! Cousin, don't open it! It could be a trap from him!

Cao Cao: Eh, no worries. He DID say that we would forget our old enmity and to focus on this problem first. He won't harm me. Now…

* * *

 _From: Zhuge Liang_

 _Hello, Cao Cao! How do you like this? I'm not trapping you, just a little gift! :D_

 _ **attached is a picture of the beardless Guan Yu**_

* * *

Cao Cao: What….the? **shudders**

Xiahou Dun: Wait a minute….is that….GUAN YU?! GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Oh my GOOODDDDD WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My goodness, my stomach hurts! GAHAHAHAHAAA! Oh….LORD!

Cao Cao: Grrrhhh….GRWAH! **slams on the desk** FUCK YOU, BENEVOLENCE DICK-SUCKERS! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU FOR THIS! HYAAAAHHHH! **runs towards Shu**

Xiahou Dun: Wahahahahaaa…eh?! Cousin! Where are you going?! **runs after Cao Cao**

* * *

 _Shu_

Cao Cao: **breaks into the Shu palace** GRAAAAAAAHHHHH! YOUUUU!

Zhuge Liang: What the?! Cao Cao! Why are you here without permission?! That's rude, you know!

Cao Cao: I don't give a SHIT about etiquettes! Oh, Guan Yu! My beloved! **runs towards Guan Yu**

Xiahou Dun: What?! Oh, come on Cao Cao! I thought I'm your favorite! **whimpers**

Guan Yu: G-gah!

Cao Cao: Oh no…my beloved Guannie, what have they done to your beautiful beard?! Argh! It breaks my heart! I know it breaks your heart too! I'll kill those Shu twats to kill you for this!

Guan Yu: W-what?!

Xiahou Dun: Nooo! Cao Cao, you forgot about me?!

Zhuge Liang: Argh! Oh, come on! It's just motherfucking BEARD! No need to go all salty about it! He'll grow it again in like, 5 years or so!

Cao Cao: But you STILL had the balls to shave it! That is UNFORGIVABLE!

Zhuge Liang: Gah! But seriously! We have agreed to not fight each other until we've solved this problem!

Cao Cao: Well, you've shaven Guan Yu's beard to make him a fangirl-bait, which means you HAVE solved this problem. That's it! Prepare for my punishment! HYAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Everyone: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _Back to the unknown place_

Zuo Ci: Hmm…it's been hours, and this third fellow hasn't arrived yet. We're running out of time.

Zhang Jiao: He WILL come here! I'm sure of that!

Zuo Ci: Really, can't we just do this with, just, the two of us?

?: Sorry I'm late.

Zhang Jiao: Hmmm…ah! You've finally appeared! At last!

Zuo Ci: Whoa….so the third fellow turned out to be YOU, Pang Tong?

Pang Tong: Yeah. So…I'm late because I was looking for a way to sneak up here. Luckily, Cao Cao busted through the palace, raging because we shaved Guan Yu's beard. I managed to find a way to sneak out of the chaos.

Zhang Jiao: Ah, very good then! Now, we shall initiate the sacred ritual! First, we'll use this!

Zuo Ci: Hm? What is that?

Zhang Jiao: Oh, it's a strand of a tiger fur, along with a strand of Sun Jian's hair.

Pang Tong: What the? How could have you possibly gained those?

* * *

 _Flashback in Wu (several hours ago)_

 _In the bathroom_

Sun Jian: **whistling while looking at the mirror after a bath** Hmm…well, damn! My white hair dye went off again?! Huff…hope I still have some of them to apply, let's see….

Zhang Jiao: **teleporting stealthily behind Sun Jian, then tries to sneak up to him**

 **Intense music plays**

Sun Jian: …hmm? **turns behind**

Zhang Jiao: **disguises himself as a ball of fire**

Sun Jian: ….oh. Tch, gotta tell Ce to ALWAYS absorb that ball of fire back after playing around with it when taking a bath here! I have to ALWAYS tell him this EVERY GODDAMN TIME! Geez…

Zhang Jiao: **turns back** Whew! THAT was close! **sneaks up behind Sun Jian to pluck one of his hairs, then teleporting back**

Sun Jian: Hm? What the? **turns behind** …..shit. That ball of flame must've burnt off one of my hair. Wait, where is it now? Ah, weird.

* * *

 _Back to the present…_

Zhang Jiao: …and then I did the same to the tigers as well.

Pang Tong: That doesn't make any sense. You KNOW that cats WILL try to chase you down as a ball of fire? I'm still wondering as to how you aren't dead yet.

Zhang Jiao: Aw, shut up! Well, I've also managed to do the same to Zhong Hui as well.

Zuo Ci: Zhong Hui? I thought he was kidnapped?

Zhang Jiao: Eh, ahem, my bad! What I meant is, I managed to go inside his bathroom inside the Jin palace to obtain a strand of his hair.

Pang Tong: And just what are we going to do with these strands of hair?

Zhang Jiao: Well, we will place them in this altar, and we will chant the spell!

Zuo Ci: What spell?

Zhang Jiao: Okay, guys, follow me:

 ** _O, gone were the targets of fan-ransack;_**

 ** _And the charm of the series was slain;_**

 ** _When the stream of time went back;_**

 ** _The old beautiful glory shall shine once again!_**

 _Suddenly, the altar flame went wild and shined brightly._

Zhang Jiao, Zuo Ci, and Pang Tong: WHOOOAAAAAAA!

 _After that, a great storm and earthquake happened throughout the entire land._

* * *

 _Shu_

Everyone: HUH?!

Cao Cao: Wha?! An earthquake?! What happened?!

Zhuge Liang: Tch! S-stay calm everyone!

Cao Cao: Is this…is this the disaster that will befall on us?!

Zhang Fei: AAAAHHH! WE'RE GONNA DIEEEEEE!

Zhuge Liang: Gah! Stay! CALM!

Xiahou Dun: W-whoa!

Zhuge Liang: Tch…no…this can't be!

* * *

 _Wu_

Everyone: What the?!

Sun Jian: An earthquake?! Gah!

Sun Ce: AAAAHHH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIEEEEEEE! **smacked by Lu Meng**

Lu Meng: Calm the hell down! I know you're afraid, hell, we ALL are! But you need to think with a cool head!

Sun Ce: Well…there's no such thing as a 'cool head' in Wu, ain't it?

Lu Meng: Oh, fuck me.

Sun Jian: Well, whatever it is, we need to calm down! Tch, this problem hasn't been solved yet and NOW we must face this? Hmmf….

* * *

 _Wei_

Xiahou Yuan: Gah! W-what's happening here?!

Guo Huai: Cough…cough!

Zhuge Dan: ….Deng Ai! I know it! You've caused this!

Deng Ai: What the- to hell with that logic!

Jia Xu: W-wha?! Oh no! What…what the hell happened?!

* * *

 _Other_

Lu Bu: Hmm?!

Chen Gong: Aaaaahhh! L-lord Lu Bu! It's an earthquake! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOO?! AAAAHHH! SOMEBODYYY! HELP USSS! **smacked by Lu Bu**

Lu Bu: Shut the hell up! It's just an earthquake, nothing to be worried about…..WAIT AN EARTHQUAKE?!

Dong Zhuo: Gaaahhh! What happened?!

Lu Bu: Wait a minute….A-HA! SO IT'S YOU WHO CAUSED THIS!

Dong Zhuo: What the- How could have you said so?!

Lu Bu: Well, just look at your oversized ass! I told you to just sit on that very same ass all day lest you'll cause earthquakes!

Dong Zhuo: Now that's a very disrespectful way to talk to your father! Take this! Hyah!

Lu Bu: You were NEVER my father anyway! Hyah! **smacks Dong Zhuo**

 _Suddenly, a massive lightning hit the altar and flashed brightly._

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 _The next day_

 _Shu_

Zhuge Liang: ….gah…..urgh….what…happened….? **wakes up**

Pang Tong: Urrrhhh…..

Zhang Fei: Ugh…..eh…

Guan Yu: Argh…..

Wei Yan: Uhhh…

Huang Zhong: Ummmhhh…..

Yueying: Ah! You guys…..you guys are finally awake! I'm so glad!

Zhuge Liang: Oh, Yueying! How…how long were we out?

Yueying: For a day. And…..oh my god!

Zhuge Liang: A DAY?! My goodness….what happened? What I remember was that after that earthquake and thunder, we all passed out, and….

Yueying: My goodness….my husband! You really need to look yourself at the mirror!

Zhuge Liang: Mirror? W-what's with my face? ….HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Cao Cao: WHOA! WHOA! W-what was that?! ….oh, Zhuge Liang! It's you! What's with all the screaming, anyway?!

Zhuge Liang: I…I…..

Cao Cao: Hm? Wait a minute…..OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!

Zhuge Liang: I…..don't….know….

Cao Cao: And, **looks at the mirror** wait a minute…..HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Well, probably my latest update yet. My deepest apologies. Nevertheless, please leave a review and have a good day!


	12. The Wizards Strike Again, Part 2

_Continuing from the previous chapter, the three wizards casted a spell to everyone in the Three Kingdoms, which caused an unwelcomed change to them…._

* * *

 _Chapter 12: The Wizards Strike Again, Part 2_

* * *

Cao Cao: We….we…

Zhuge Liang: We….

Cao Cao and Zhuge Liang: WE'RE YOUNG!

Cao Cao: No, seriously! Just….where…where did my facial hair go?! _(essentially his 'young' card in Blast)_

Zhuge Liang: I know right! And, my goodness….I look like a girl this way!

Cao Cao: How…how could this happen?!

Zhuge Liang: I don't know! And everyone also turned young as well! Wei Yan, especially….wow. I never thought that April Fools joke turned out to be TRUE. As much as I HATE to admit it, however.

Cao Cao: But he's a dude!

Zhuge Liang: Technically. Like me.

Zhang Fei: Eh? Seriously, what the fuss is all about? ….whoa, wait a minute! Who the hell are you two?!

Cao Cao: I'm Cao Cao!

Zhuge Liang: And it's me, Zhuge Liang!

Zhang Fei: Whoa! It's….you two?!

Cao Cao and Zhuge Liang: **nods**

Zhang Fei: But…no way! You two look too young! And you look too much like a girl, Zhuge!

Cao Cao: We also don't know why!

Zhuge Liang: And don't call me a girl! Also…you may want to take a look at yourself here. **hands over mirror**

Zhang Fei: Hmm? What's with it? ….AAAAHHHH! WHAT, WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!

Zhuge Liang: The thing is, you too, became much younger and prettier like us.

Zhang Fei: What the…but how?!

Cao Cao: We don't know!

Zhang Fei: Whoa….gee, I really forgot about how much I looked like Bao when I was his age, eh? You know what, this is actually pretty great! Why must you guys be all upset about it?

Cao Cao: It's not like that we're upset! It's just…this just suddenly happened without any real rhyme or reason!

Zhuge Liang: Besides that, we feel pretty uncomfortable with it.

Xiahou Dun: **wakes up** Urrgghhh….what was that…? Um? Eh?! C-cao Pi?! You, you have returned!

Cao Cao: Eh?! Dun!

Xiahou Dun: My goodness…I never thought you will return! But…where's your wife? And, wait a minute! Where's your father?!

Cao Cao: Dun, Dun! Listen to me for a sec!

Xiahou Dun: AND HOW DARE YOU TO DISRESPECT YOUR UNCLE?! TAKE THIS! **smacks Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: YEOW! DUN! I'M NOT CAO PI!

Xiahou Dun: Eh? You're not?

Cao Cao: No! I'm Cao Cao!

Xiahou Dun: Whoa…wait a minute…..GASP! COUSIN?! THAT'S REALLY YOU?!

Cao Cao: I am!

Xiahou Dun: No way…you actually look like when you're younger!

Cao Cao: Exactly! And you too, should take a look at yourself.

Xiahou Dun: What are you talking about…..WHAAAAAA?!

Cao Cao: See?

Xiahou Dun: What….no! Where did my gruff, manly face go?! I turned into a pretty boy! Gah! This is unacceptable!

Cao Cao: I know, right! And looks like this happened to pretty much everybody else as well!

 _Suddenly, a group of people busted through the Shu palace._

Everyone in the Shu palace: WAH! Who's that?!

Xiahou Yuan: Brother Dun! Lord Cao Cao! Where are you?! Gah, why did you two go here yesterday without telling us?! You made us worried!

Jia Xu: Yeah! Especially after that freak earthquake and thunder….

Dian Wei and Xu Zhu: My lord! Where are you? Are you okay?!

Cao Ren: You really shouldn't make us panic like that! Seriously….

Everyone in the Shu palace: **stares at the bishi-fied Wei guys with extreme awkwardness**

Jia Xu: Uhh…what?

Xiahou Yuan: And, speaking of which….something's kinda wrong here….

Jia Xu: …hey! WHY IN THE HELL YOU GUYS LOOK SO YOUNG?!

Cao Cao: Exactly what I wanted to say to you earlier!

Jia Xu: Wait, what do you- …oh no. G-give me that mirror! …..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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 _Wu_

Sun Ce: Graaarrgghhh….what….happened?

Sun Jian: Ehm…uh?! Ce! You alright?!

Sun Ce: Father! I'm…alright…

Sun Jian: Okay! Wait….whoa, whoa, hold on! You're not Ce!

Sun Ce: What the?! What makes you think of that?!

Sun Jian: Yi! It's you! How…how the hell are you possibly here?! You're not even playable yet!

Sun Ce: Dad! What the hell makes you think I'm Sun Yi?! I'm Sun Ce!

Sun Jian: If that's the case then why do you look so pretty?! And where's your goatee?!

Sun Ce: What? Wait… **feels that his goatee is gone** …AAAAHHH! Shit, shit, SHIT! **immediately runs towards the bathroom**

Sun Jian: Whoa!

 _In the bathroom_

Sun Ce: **looks at the mirror** WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sun Jian: Ce!

Sun Ce: Dad….DAD! Look at me, Dad! My goodness…w-what happened?!

Sun Jian: I don't know! But wait….OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FACE?!

Sun Ce: Seriously! Did…did we just get back in time, or what?!

Sun Jian: I don't know! Gah, I better go check on the others as well!

 _Back at the Wu palace hall_

Sun Jian: Oh….shit!

Sun Ce: Everyone else's got it too?

Sun Jian: Yes! Even Huang Gai and Ding Feng…

Lu Meng: Ergh….hm? Hey, who are you two?!

Sun Ce: Eh?! Whoa, whoa, calm down Lu Meng!

Sun Jian: It's us, Sun Jian and Sun Ce!

Lu Meng: What the…how the hell is that possible?! You look too young!

Sun Ce: Maybe you should take a look at the mirror here.

Lu Meng: Huh? …what?! What happened to me?! _(essentially his 'young' Blast card as well)_

Sun Jian: Look, we have absolutely NO idea what happened here, you got it?

Sun Ce: We suspect it may have something to do with that earthquake last night…

Lu Meng: Argh, but seriously, look at me! I'm a fangirl-bait! Gah, I'm not ready for this…

Sun Jian: Do you think that ANYONE ELSE are?

* * *

 _Wei_

Xiahou Dun: **drags Jia Xu around** Gah….my…GOD! He's so heavy! Why must he pass out like that, anyway?!

Cao Cao: Can't blame him. I mean, to put YOURSELF in his position…he has every right to be terrified.

Xiahou Dun: Huh. Okay, so, what are we gonna do, huh?

Cao Cao: What are we gonna do? Hmm…okay, frankly, we haven't known what caused this yet, but whoever it was, we have to be grateful to him.

Xiahou Dun: GRATEFUL?! ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!

Cao Cao: WHOA! Dude, chill out! What's the big deal?

Xiahou Dun: I mean, look at us now! When we still had the pretty boys around, it's not a problem since the non-pretty boys outweighed the pretty boys. But now since they're gone and WE became the pretty boys instead, the people will be skeptical of this series! We're doomed!

Cao Cao: Hahaha…my, you're too shallow, Dun! I mean, think about it! The existence of the pretty boys and girls are essential to this series! Now that we've their replacements in the form of OURSELVES, we've got nothing to worry about! We'll be swimming in a sea of fangirls!

Xiahou Dun: Like we don't have enough fangirls swarming upon us even BEFORE we became like this! Cousin, please!

Jia Xu: **wakes up** Grrrhhh….my…god….

Cao Cao: Oh, Jia Xu! You're awake!

Jia Xu: Nghhh….okay, seriously. HOW the HELL could this happen?

Xiahou Dun: Errr….

Cao Cao: Well, look, Jia Xu. It simply doesn't matter who caused this, okay. I mean, our problem's solved. The pretty boys are finally back, and the fangirls will come to swarm upon us again!

Jia Xu: Are you nuts?! How in the hell could you think that'll be good?!

Cao Cao: Err…because it is?

Jia Xu: Well, fuck no! It was NEVER a good idea! Just imagine what it's like to be swarmed by fangirls who's obsessed with EVERY SINGLE PIECE of you! It's bad enough that I have to deal with at least ONE of these, but to have 1000 of them?!

Cao Cao: Well, maybe you could ask Dunny about that.

Xiahou Dun: Hey!

Jia Xu: Well okay, you know what, fuck this entirely! That's it! **goes outside the room**

Cao Cao: What? Hey, where are you going?!

Jia Xu: I said it before. That's it. I quit!

Cao Cao: Quit?! What do you mean by quit?! Come on, we must celebrate this moment of success! Why must you leave?!

Jia Xu: There's practically NOTHING to celebrate, okay! We're only a bunch of pathetic, desperate old men! We were, and ALWAYS will be that! There's nothing that will change that!

Cao Cao: But but, but-

Jia Xu: Nope! Nope, nope! I'm outta here! Fuck you, fuck this world, fuck my life, and fuck everything else! Good fucking bye! **slams door**

Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun: …..

Cao Cao: …..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Xiahou Dun: WAH! C-cousin!

Cao Cao: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **makes an ice sculpture which he then smashes into multiple pieces with his sword when screaming** …pant…pant…pant…pant…

Xiahou Dun: ….

Cao Cao: **turns to Xiahou Dun**

Xiahou Dun: Eh?

Cao Cao: **suddenly hugs Xiahou Dun while crying**

Xiahou Dun: W-wha?! Cousin?!

Cao Cao: Hwaaaa…Dunny…..I don't know what to do anymore….hwaaaahhhhhhh!

Xiahou Dun: Oooh…there, there, don't cry, okay? As much as I hate to admit it, at least the problem's over. There's no need to be sad, you hear me?

Cao Cao: Hwaaaa….sniff, Dunny?

Xiahou Dun: Yes?

Cao Cao: Can I sleep with you later night?

Xiahou Dun: …no.

Cao Cao: **starts crying again**

* * *

 _At the ritual altar_

Zhang Jiao: Whoa….I must say, that's quite a change, right?

Zuo Ci: Of course. Hm, I must say that our bishi-fied appearances are quite fine, but what do you think about the other people's reactions? They must be quite frightened at this.

Pang Tong: Well, it might be so, but at least we helped to solve this problem, ain't it?

Zhang Jiao: Precisely what Pang Tong said!

Pang Tong: Well! Now that this is over, we now don't have to worry about anything, right?

Zuo Ci: Of course.

Pang Tong: That's good. In that case, I'm going home. Zhuge's gonna be nuts when he found me gone…bye.

Zuo Ci: Bye…..hey.

Zhang Jiao: Hm?

Zuo Ci: I just want to double check….are you sure that this ritual will go fine with NO unwanted side effects whatsoever?

Zhang Jiao: Well, from what I know it does have the 1% possibility of triggering side effects, but other than that, it'll be fine.

Zuo Ci: You sure?

Zhang Jiao: I'm sure!

Zuo Ci: Hmm…that being so. Because the people are gonna take our heads if they figure out that we, alongside Pang Tong, were the guys responsible for this whole thing.

Zhang Jiao: But then again, as I said before, they will get used to it. And hey, they might even actually THANK us for this!

Zuo Ci: I know! But if it ever backfires due to the 1% chance as you said, then they will certainly hunt us down! You better remember that!

Zhang Jiao: Ah, you don't need to worry.

Zuo Ci: Well, that's certainly good to hear. Because if that ever happens then I will take YOUR head first before they do.

Zhang Jiao: Aihh! Tch, I know, I know!

* * *

 _Other_

Lu Bu: Rrrghhhh….

Chen Gong: Aaahhh! Lord Lu Bu! You're awake! And...AAHHHH!

Lu Bu: Chen…Gong….? Hey, why the surprised face?

Dong Zhuo: Graaahhh…you….perfidious…bastard…!

Lu Bu: Hm? **turns around**

Chen Gong and Lu Bu: **looks at a bishi-fied Dong Zhuo with blank eyes and jawdrop**

Dong Zhuo: Eh? Dude, why are you all looking at me funny like that?

Chen Gong and Lu Bu: ….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chen Gong: What….is…..THAT?!

Lu Bu: I know that Dong Zhuo's ugly as fuck….but this!

Chen Gong: Hey, speaking of which, Lord Lu Bu?

Lu Bu: What?

Chen Gong: Your face, too…

Lu Bu: What's with my face? …oh no. **runs into the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror** ….WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! No….no WAY! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! **runs outside while flailing his arms and screaming**

Chen Gong: Ahh! Lord Lu Bu?!

Lu Bu: Chen Gong! This is…this is a disaster!

Chen Gong: B-but how?! You're pretty now! I don't think that's a disaster- **smacked by Lu Bu** YAAAHHH!

Lu Bu: It IS, dimwit! Look, I'm the poster boy now, and when they see that now I'm an ultra-bishie, they WILL search for a way to slap my faces on merchandises for fangirls to jack off to! Oh, the horror, the horror!

Chen Gong: Ah, but in this case, EVERYONE'S been turned into pretty boys, right? This means that if you don't want to face with the horrors of being the poster boy, you could use someone else who's more than willing to receive the position!

Lu Bu: But it's not 3 months yet!

Chen Gong: Well, but look, I'm sure Koei won't mind it if the replacement is another pretty boy! Just trust me on this one!

Lu Bu: Hmm…. **looks at Dong Zhuo**

Dong Zhuo: …..what?

Lu Bu: Huff…okay, Dong Zhuo, I know I've been a MASSIVE prick to you, and now, I have one little request as a sign of my apology.

Dong Zhuo: To be honest I don't know if requesting means apologizing, but let's hear it.

Lu Bu: Here, I'm currently in the position for the replacement poster boy, and I would like to give the position to you, instead.

Dong Zhuo: Huh?! Well, fuck no! To be the poster boy means that I have to do all sorts of crazy shits, right?! I'm not fit to that!

Lu Bu: Oh…but that's not it. If you become the poster boy, then Koei will certainly feature you in various merchandises for fans to buy! They will also put you in those body pillows! The fangirls will buy your body pillows for them to cuddle on!

Dong Zhuo: Hmmm! So this means I get to be crowded on by the ladies?! Gwahaha! That sounds really good! Fine, then! I accept your request and apology!

Lu Bu: Good for you, then. **carries a rope**

Dong Zhuo: Err….okay, what's with that rope? Wait, what are you doing to do?! AHH!

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 _At Lu Bu's Memorial_

Lu Bu: Grrrrmmmhhh….GAH! My goodness, even though he's been already turned into a pretty boy, he's STILL heavy as hell!

Chen Gong: Um, my lord? Shouldn't we place Dong Zhuo's statue here to have him as the new poster boy?

Lu Bu: Ah, there's no use. I'll just have to place him right here, then Koei would have picked him right away, anyway!

Chen Gong: Err…okay…

Lu BU: Well! Our business' done, let's go home. At least I don't have to face the sufferings of being a poster boy again! I'll just let that fat, ugly motherfucker feel it instead, hohohohohohoho…..

Chen Gong: Errr…okay, then…

* * *

 _And so, after the mass-bishification of the Three Kingdoms, the people seem to be shocked with the sudden change in their appearances first, but they managed to get used to it, even now not seeming to be care about the missing pretty boys and girls anymore. However, they aren't yet aware about the upcoming disaster…._

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay, as always, leave a review and have a good day for you all!


	13. Death of the Dynasty

_Chapter 13: Death of the Dynasty_

* * *

 _Shu_

Zhuge Liang: Hrmf….

Zhang Fei: Come on, Zhuge, it really isn't all that big of a deal-

Zhuge Liang: OF COURSE IT'S A BIG DEAL! **slams the table**

Zhang Fei: Yeowie!

Zhuge Liang: Sigh…seriously. The fact that Koei even HAD the BALLS to make us look like THIS is enough indication that they're DESPERATE. This is clearly not a good sign!

Guan Yu: But why? Hey, at least now our problem's over! There's nothing more to worry about! **smacked by Zhuge Liang's fan** OW! Dude, what's your problem?! I'm trying to comfort you and THIS is what I got?!

Zhuge Liang: The fact that you don't know my problem IS my problem. Look, you think that the fans aren't gonna notice this drastic change?! They WILL think that the fact that Koei turned guys like US into pretty boys means that Koei has turned into nothing more than a fanservice company! This is going to taint Koei's good name! And by extension, ours too!

Huang Zhong: Ah, well, we can't do anything about it at this point. And besides, you KNOW that the fangirls are brainless enough to actually ACCEPT this change! If anything, it will raise the amount of our fangirls!

Guan Yu: Yeah! And look at us. This way, we look EXACTLY like our missing pretty boys. Thus, we can replace them in the game! And since the fangirls gave no shit about us and are satisfied as long as their favorite drool-triggers are on the screen, we're all fine about it!

Zhuge Liang: You can only say that because you look like Guan Xing and Zhang Fei Zhang Bao! But what about me?! People are gonna go batshit INSANE when they found me as a girl….

Zhang Fei: Tch, you're not even a REAL girl anyway! Plus, you actually look like Zhao Yun this way! And since you two have the same seiyuu the fans won't even notice a goddamn thing!

Zhuge Liang: But I-, huff...

Guan Yu: C'mon Zhuge, I told you that there's nothing to worry about, okay. This is Koei's decision, and we'll all be fine as long as the fans are gonna like it.

Zhuge Liang: Sigh….well. I suppose you're right.

* * *

 _Wei_

Xiahou Dun: Cousin, how in the hell are you still here?! HEY!

Cao Cao: WHOA! Geez, chill out, Dun! What is it, anyway?!

Xiahou Dun: You're STILL asking that?! You really should've understood better! We really need to find a way to reverse this!

Cao Cao: What should be reversed?! This is fine! Our problem's solved, and we won't have to look for our pretty boys anymore! What's wrong with it?

Xiahou Dun: Gah! That's not my goddamn point! Look, this has practically tainted Wei's good name! We are known to be strong, hardcore, and MANLY! If people see us with so many pretty boys like this, we're doomed! You have to know that!

Cao Cao: Ah, pfft, it's alright! They'll get used to it, I know that! As long as people like Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun are around, they won't have any problem with it! Hahaha!

Xiahou Dun: But then again- ….huff. Okay. Fine. Our problem's over. But are you not, you know, WORRIED about what might've happened to YOUR SON, and a couple of others?

Cao Cao: Oh? What's that? My son? Eh, it's alright.

Xiahou Dun: WHAT?! Cousin! This is YOUR SON! Imagine what might've happened to him by his captors! God help him if it's rabid fangirls, god help US if it's rabid FANBOYS.

Cao Cao: Ah, well, it's HIS own goddamn fault for being so attractive anyway! Eh, no, scratch that, I'm STILL more attractive than him! So screw him for daring to steal my spot as the hottest Wei character! Ah well, now that I look younger, nobody can steal my spot! Hahahahaha!

Xiahou Dun: For fucks…

Jia Xu: **suddenly enters the room with a dark aura surrounding him**

Cao Cao: HOLY CASANOFUCKS! Jia Xu, you look AWFUL! What's with you?!

Jia Xu: Don't. ASK.

Xiahou Dun: Is it about our sudden bishifications?

Jia Xu: I told you, NO NEED TO ASK! ….if you already knew the answers. Hrngghh….

Cao Cao: Whoa, whoa, hold on man. Seriously, you look awful. Like, AWFUL. Worse than Guo Huai.

Jia Xu: Thank you so much for reminding me. Because at least I know that I'm still alive. At this point, I don't even know if I'm dead or alive anymore!

Cao Cao: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You're apparently stressed over your sudden bishification? But, like, WHY? If anything, this should be a thing we all celebrate- **gets dragged by the collar by Jia Xu** WHAH!

Jia Xu: Celebrate? Oh yeah, you just said celebrate, all right, and I think I agree with you. I mean, you're such a lucky man. You're sexy and you KNOW it, and you ENJOY every single bit of it because of the girls flocking to you. I mean, imagine if you only have ONE of those who is literally obsessed with you for EVERY SINGLE SECOND of her life. And THAT'S when you're actually one of the LEAST popular characters. And when you get turned into being MORE attractive than EVER, you ended up enjoying it even more while I ended up SUFFERING even more. You get what I'm sayin' now here, huh?! You think I could even REMOTELY ENJOY THIS?! **gives a death glare towards Cao Cao throughout the entire thing**

Cao Cao: **jawdrop** …..I…..I…..

Jia Xu: **releases Cao Cao** Sigh….I….I'm sorry. From the beginning I just can't take this. So please, PLEASE….don't drag me onto this. Argh….. **facedesk**

Cao Cao: …..wow. Damn. This guy has, like, only ONE fangirls around and THIS is what he's became? I…actually feel sorta bad for him now….

Xiahou Dun: It's alright. Just leave him alone….he needs it. DESPERATELY.

Cao Cao: Speaking of which, you're the one with the most fangirls around here, right? How do you…you know….handle them?

Xiahou Dun: Ah, well I gotta say that's because I've been in this series since the very, VERY first beginning and thus is quite used to it…which he's not.

Cao Cao: Poor guy.

* * *

 _Wu_

Sun Jian: Come on Lu Meng, can't we just accept the truth and move on from it-

Lu Meng: No, no, NO, NO! Absolutely NOT! I demand my mature appearance back! I'm not ready to be another baby-faced fangirl-bait!

Sun Ce: Hey, look, it fits your age, after all! And besides, you HAVE to be able to withstand fangirls as the member of Wu, you got it-

Lu Meng: No, NOOO! I….I CAN'T! **begins to cry** I'm just not ready for this!

Sun Jian: Dude, c'mon! You defeated the frickin' God of War himself, Guan Yu! And yet you can't withstand harmless fangirls-

Lu Meng: Harmless? HARMLESS?! How careless you HAVE to be to even SAY something like that?!

Sun Ce: Whoa, chill out, I mean-

Lu Meng: I've….I've seen them. I've seen many horrors concerning them. They…they're even more dangerous than the combined forces of the Three Kingdoms. I saw them doing THAT to those two boys (Gan Ning and Ling Tong)…and I just….my god…..and from there on, I have renewed my admiration for those two, for even being able to continue as functional human beings….

Lu Su: Listen Lu Meng, we KNOW that it will be hard, but come on. It's not THAT terrifying, I mean. Look, we all know that the fangirls of the pretty boys are batshit insane, but I've found out that the fangirls of non-pretty boys are usually a lot more mature and stable, so you don't really need to worry-

Lu Meng: Oh yeah? Well, then how could you explain HER, huh?! I mean, haven't you heard what happened to Jia Xu of Wei?

Lu Su: …oh. Right. Well, that's an….exception. Or an anomaly, to be more specific.

Sun Jian: Okay…whatever's happened, we all need to stay calm. I mean, this is actually a lot more beneficial to us-

Lu Meng: NO! It's NOT! I mean, you heard what Master Lu Su said. If all of this didn't happen at the first place and we remained who we were, then our fangirls will be a lot more mature and stable! But now that we're turned into a bunch of baby-faced fangirl baits, they'll turn ballistic! We can't stand that!

Sun Ce: Well….I think we still can SOMEHOW stand that. We'll just have to punch them-

Sun Jian: Ce, you dimwit! If you do that then Koei's gonna be fucking MAD at us for beating up their fangirls!

Lu Meng: Then what should we do?!

Sun JIan: Hmm….okay, look, we all really just need to maintain our natural behavior, okay. If we don't do anything weird, it'll all be fine. I promise.

Lu Meng: If only THAT could actually comfort me….

* * *

 _Other_

Chen Gong: So, Lord Lu Bu?

Lu Bu: What?!

Chen Gong: Aaahhh! N-no need to be so loud, you know…

Lu Bu: That's because you didn't tell me what you actually wanna ASK, idiot.

Chen Gong: Ah, my bad. So…how about Dong Zhuo?

Lu Bu: Who the FUCK cares about HIM, anyway?! Bah, just as long as he replaces my role as the poster boy I'm fine enough.

Chen Gong: Oh, that's good. But you have to remember that when Koei ends up dissatisfied with him, you have to go back into being the poster boy.

Lu Bu: What?! Is that true?!

Chen Gong: **nods**

Lu Bu: Ah, shit. Considering the kind of guy he is I suppose he won't last long…oh. **stares at Chen Gong**

Chen Gong: ….w-what is it, Lord Lu Bu?

Lu BU: Ohohoho….I see you're quite fine yourself….Chen Gong….

Chen Gong: W-what do you mean by that?!

Lu Bu: …heh. Heheheheheheehe….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chen Gong: **stares at Lu Bu with the 'What-the-fuck' face**

Lu Bu: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! ….ah, forgive me, what?

Chen Gong: …..Lord Lu Bu, maybe it's the best of me to just leave you to your own matters. Excuse me.

Lu Bu: Huh? But, wait! Chen Gong! HEY!

* * *

 _At the ritual altar_

Zuo Ci: Okay, so I came back with the report you asked me.

Zhang Jiao: Ah! So?

Zuo Ci: It's….not good.

Zhang Jiao: Wha?! But how can their responses not good?!

Zuo Ci: Dude, I suppose the main reason for this is that all of this happened to them in a SINGLE. FUCKING. NIGHT. Like, if it was like in that-one-game-that-was-too-heinous-to-even-speak-of, it's fine. But if its' like this, then pretty much NO ONE is prepared for them.

Zhang Jiao: Gah, but how?! I was pretty much sure I did them a favor…

Zuo Ci: Dude, look, we already did this for them. But the question is, to see whether Koei itself actually has something to say about it, you know what I'm saying?

Zhang Jiao: You mean we have to conduct THAT ritual?

Zuo Ci: Precisely. There's no other choice. They're gonna wreck our asses if they turned out to NOT like what we did for these characters.

Zhang Jiao: Hmmm….I suppose you're right. Okay, then! OOOOHHH! THE HEAVENSSSSS! WE SHALL HER YOUR VOICCEEEEEEE!

 _Suddenly, a large boom was heard throughout the land._

 _Shu_

Zhuge Liang: Wha?! What is that? Oh god, don't let this be another transformation yet again, oh god, no….

 _Wu_

Sun Ce: Huh?!

Sun Jian: What's that?!

Lu Meng: I-is that an explosion?!

Lu Su: Eh, no, I suppose.

 _Wei_

Xiahou Dun: What?! Cousin! What's happening?!

Cao Cao: Eh?! I….I don't know…..

* * *

 _After that, a conversation between two people on Koei staff are heard._

"Huff….what are we going to do?"

"Yeah, I know…suddenly all we got are bunch of pretty boys here, with the rest of the cast practically missing…."

"Can't we just, you know, redo it from the scratch?"

"No, no, obviously not. It's going to take a lot of time."

"But there's no other choice!"

"Ah, I don't know myself. Huff…maybe we should talk about this to Suzuki-san first."

"Are you sure? I'm pretty sure that he'll pretty much blame us for this again…."

"Ah, no, he won't. We just have to explain this systematically and carefully to him. He'll understand."

"Ah, good morning, you two."

"Suzuki-san! Hey, we have a REAL problem here, boss."

"Hm? What problems?"

"Here, look at it here. Suddenly all of our stash of older guys are gone, the rest are just pretty boys!"

"Yeah, yeah!"

"Hmmm…."

"….hey, it's not our fault!"

"Who's blaming you?"

"….sorry."

"Well, this is really odd indeed. But as we all know, we can't possibly continue the series like this. So…"

"…..?! Suzuki-san?!"

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! You….you serious about this?!"

"Yes, I'm serious. We're going to end this series."

Just after that statement, a thunder occurred.

"B-but! We can't just end the series without any rhyme or reason like that!"

"Yes, we can! Look, how are we going to explain THIS to the fans, huh?! They're not going to believe us! If anything they're going to berate us all for being sloppy even though it's clearly not our fault! And besides, I decided that we really need to just end the series already. People are sick of it. And I'm sure as hell some of our fans are also!"

"B-but, b-but!"

"There are no buts! Added with THIS fact that we pretty much have NO ONE but pretty boys, people are not gonna take us seriously anymore. So, do as I say!"

* * *

 _Then the conversation ended._

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!"

* * *

Zhuge Liang: No….

Cao Cao: FUCKEN!

Sun Jian: Way!

Lu Bu: SERIOUSLY?!

* * *

 _Shu_

Zhuge Liang: No…..WHAT THE HELL?!

Guan Yu: I know, right! Like, they can NOT possibly be serious about this, right?!

Zhang Fei: We're doomed! AAAAHHHH!

* * *

 _Wei_

Xiahou Dun: WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT VOICE IN THE SKY JUST SAY?! Argh, come here, YOU! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!

Cao Cao: What the fuck! WHAT! THE! FUCK!

* * *

 _Wu_

Sun Ce: GYAAAAHHHH! NOOOOO! WHAT, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOOO?! HWAAAAAA!

Lu Su: Goodness…..so THIS is where it all has come down to….

Sun Jian: Holy shit…..

* * *

 _Other_

Chen Gong: AAAAHHH! OH, OUR SAVIOR, PLEASE COME AND HELP US! **smacked by Lu Bu**

Lu Bu: SHUT UP! AND HOW DARE THEY TO END THIS SERIES?! HRWAAAHHH! I SHALL KILL THEM!

* * *

 _At the ritual altar_

Zuo Ci: ….

Zhang Jiao: …..

Zuo Ci: …..well. Congratulations.

Zhang Jiao: Argh, no! I believe we still have some other way to save them! We can!

Zuo Ci: What other fucking way we should use?! Look, we're practically no better than Xun Yu. EVERY SINGLE OF OUR MAGIC has failed. What COULD we do at this point, huh?!

Zhang Jiao: Hmmm…..I know! This!

Zuo Ci: The hell is that…..WHAT! Y-you….you serious?!

Zhang Jiao: Yes!

Zuo Ci: No, seriously! Are, you, SERIOUS?!

Zhang Jiao: YES!

Zuo Ci: No way….I never thought we have to use THIS eventually….

Zhang Jiao: But this is our ONLY salvation! Please!

Zuo Ci: …sigh. Fine. This is either our last hope…..or our false hope.

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

As always, keep on reading and leave a review! Good day!


	14. On the other side

_Previously, we see that Koei will attempt to finally end the series after a glorious 15 years. The bishified cast went insane as the prophesied disaster has finally befallen on them. However, at the other, unknown side is a truth waiting to be unveiled…._

* * *

 _Chapter 14: On the other side_

* * *

 _?_

?: Ergh….umh ….ouch….my god….I feel terrible this morning…..did I sleep wrong? Ermgh…..shit, I feel too lazy to even move this morning…..argh…. **opens eyes** ….eh? Where…am I?

 _The man, Zhao Yun, finds himself in a world composed of nothing but blue grids._

Zhao Yun: What the hell?! W-where did all of the buildings go?! Where did everyone go?! Hello? HELLO! Gah, no wonder I feel so awful this morning….even my bed is gone!

Ma Chao and Ma Dai: Huh?! OY! ZHAO YUN!

Zhao Yun: Ma Chao! Ma Dai! Thank god you're still here! Hey, you know where we are? And where did everyone go?

Ma Chao: Ah, that I don't know.

Ma Dai: It's weird, really. Everything are suddenly missing.

Jiang Wei: Hm?! Oy! Master Zhao Yun!

Zhao Yun: Jiang Wei! Gee, you're here as well!

Jiang Wei: Of course! I was afraid when I woke up here, and found literally EVERYTHING to be missing. So, I'm relieved when I found you three here.

Zhao Yun: Now this is really bizarre, don't you think? Gah, I feel worried for the rest.

Jiang Wei: Let's look for them, then!

Zhao Yun: Okay! Though…I'm a bit scared since this blue grid is seemingly infinite….

So, the four walked down the blue grid to look for the others.

Zhao Yun: Gah, is there ever an END to this place?!

Ma Chao: Be patient for just a bit, won't you?!

Ma Dai: Hm? Oh! Look over there!

Jiang Wei: Hey, it's the Guans and Bao Sanniang! Gee, they're still sleeping soundly.

Zhao Yun: Pretty much unlike me. Oh well, let's wake them up!

Ma Chao: Yo! Hey, you five! WAKE UP!

Guans Ping, Xing, Suo, Yinping, and Bao Sanniang: WAAHHH!

Guan Ping: Whoa, whoa, what happened?!

Guan Xing: Is there a fire?! Eh? Wah!

Guan Suo: Gah…it's still 6 o'clock in the morning!

Bao Sanniang: Yeah!

Guan Yinping: Eh? What is it?

Zhao Yun: Listen up, everyone! We have a problem here. We all suddenly woke up in the middle of a mysterious blue grid, with everything else missing!

Guan Ping: Really? Well, this is bad.

Ma Chao: It is! Look, we better look for EVERYONE and then try to figure out what happened here.

Zhang Bao: Hoaahhmmm….eh? Oh! You guys! Why are you all here?

Xingcai: Hm? Hey, brother!

Zhao Yun: Zhang Bao! Xingcai!

Zhang Bao: Hey, is there some sort of party, or what? I mean, it's only 6 o'clock in the morning, and-

Guan Xing: Not that, Bao. Look around.

Zhang Bao: Eh? Wait, WHAT?! WHERE ARE WE?!

Zhao Yun: …it took him THIS long to finally realize it?

Jiang Wei: He's indeed like that.

Xingcai: Really, what happened here?

Zhao Yun: We…don't know. We really all just sort of woke up in the middle of blue grids.

Xu Shu and Fa Zheng: Hey, there they are! OYYY!

Zhao Yun: Hm? Xu Shu! Fa Zheng!

Xu Shu: Oh, Master Zhao Yun! We're so glad to find you here.

Fa Zheng: Yeah. Like, suddenly everything around us are blue grids!

Zhao Yun: I know right. Gah, it's really weird, indeed.

Liu Shan: Ah! There! There he is!

Liu Bei: Oh! ZHAO YUN! **runs in slo-mo**

Zhao Yun: LORD LIU BEI! **runs in slo-mo**

Everyone else: **sweatdrop**

Fa Zheng: Psstt, Xu Shu.

Xu Shu: What?

Fa Zheng: Wait for it….

Xu Shu: Hm? What?

Zhao Yun: MY LORRRDDDD!

Liu Bei: ZILONGGG!

Zhao Yun: LOOORRRDDD LIUUU BEEEIIII- **smacked by Liu Bei** GWAH!

Fa Zheng: Hahahaha! See?

Xu Shu: **sweatdrop** Err….yeah.

Liu Bei: Zilong! How dare you to leave me like this! What have I done wrong to you?!

Zhao Yun: W-wha?! What do you mean?!

Liu Bei: I mean, why did you leave me alone?! You're supposed to guard over me constantly, and to sleep with me-

Zhao Yun: PSST! MY LORD! NOT IN FRONT OF LORD LIU SHAN!

Liu Bei: Oh, right.

Zhao Yun: Whatever the case is, I'm sorry, my lord. But at least we're reunited, and there's nothing more to worry.

Liu Bei: Yeah, right. But still, what happened? Where are the rest of our world?!

Zhao Yun: We don't really know for sure.

Liu Bei: Huff, really…..wait a minute.

Zhao Yun: Hm?

Liu Bei: Is it just me, or that I feel that…something is missing.

Zhao Yun: Something? Hmm…..

Xu Shu: …hey. I don't know, but I haven't seen Zhuge Liang nor his wife Yueying.

Fa Zheng: Oh, right! Pang Tong as well!

Liu Bei: Right! Now I remember!

Zhao Yun: Hey! Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Huang Zhong too!

Ma Dai: Wei Yan! ….oops.

Zhao Yun: That's right! We need to look for those 7 as well!

Everyone: Yo!

After long hours of searching

Liu Bei: Pant…pant….my honest GOD! Where the hell are they?! We've been walking down this blue grid for god-knows-how long!

Zhao Yun: Huff…huff…

Ma Chao: AAAAAHHHRRGGHHH! Why in a critical moment like this I can't summon my beloved horse?!

Jiang Wei: Chancellor….where….where are you?!

The Guans and The Zhangs: FATHEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!

Xu Shu: Pang Tong!

Zhao Yun: Gah….seems like….seems like they're missing.

Liu Bei: What?! MISSING?! No…that can't possibly be!

Zhao Yun: It could be! I mean, suddenly the entire land disappeared, and it could be likely that some of us disappeared as well.

Liu Bei: Whaaaattt?! But that means disaster for us!

Zhao Yun: Huff…I know. But…hey. I notice something weird here.

Liu Bei: What?

Zhao Yun: I mean…look at us. Without those 7 persons we were looking for, we're now only a bunch of pretty boys and girls. And with this empty grid….oh no.

Ma Chao: What do you mean?

Zhao Yun: It….it's happening. They're really going to do it.

Jiang Wei: Doing what?

Zhao Yun: THEY'LL MAKE A DATING SIM FEATURING US!

Everyone: Gasp!

Liu Bei: Y-you serious?!

Zhao Yun: Yes! There's simply no other explanation. They've collected the pretty boys and girls to make dating sim out of it and cater to the fangirls and fanboys!

Ma Chao: Well, shit! How DESPERATE they COULD be to do THAT?!

Zhao Yun: I know right. Huff…I KNOW this day will eventually come sooner or later.

?: Hm! Hey, YOU!

Everyone: Huh?

Cao Pi: Hah, so you benevolence-whores are here as well!

Zhao Yun: Eh, Cao Pi?!

Wang Yi: **looks at Ma Chao** Ohh…..FINALLY! YOU ARE MIIINNNEEEEE! GRAAAHHHHH! **runs towards Ma Chao**

Ma Chao: Huh?! AAAHHH! WHOA!

Guo Jia: WAAAHH! Lady Wang Yi, STOP IIIITTTT!

Wang Yi: WAHAHAHAHAHA! SO, THIS DAY HAS FINALLY COME!

Zhao Yun: Gah! STOP IT! **drags Wang Yi away**

Wang Yi: ARGH! LET! ME! GO!

Zhao Yun: I told you, STOP IT!

Cao Pi: Wang Yi, he's right. Stay calm. We have something to talk about here, and we won't like Ma Chao's blood to be spilt all over the place, get it?

Wang Yi: Argh! …..grrrr. But, alright.

Cao Pi: Good. Now, Liu Bei.

Liu Bei: Yes. Cao Pi, son of Cao Cao, right?

Cao Pi: Of course. Now, when we woke up, we were surprised to see that we woke up in the middle of blue grids, and that we woke up with only my wife, Wang Yi, Zhang He, Yue Jin, Li Dian, Guo Jia, and Xun Yu.

Liu Bei: I see…so it's the same as us!

Cao Pi: Same as you? You mean that several members of your kingdom disappeared as well?

Liu Bei: Yeah.

Cao Pi: I see. Huff…this is a serious matter indeed. I mean, without my father, our kingdom won't be the same!

Liu Bei: I know. But the important thing is that we who remained here are really a bunch of pretty boys and girls.

Cao Pi: You think so? Hmm….well, if it's true, then we're indeed in some serious trouble.

Liu Bei: I know. We need to think of a way of getting back to our world.

Cao Pi: True. In that case, I suppose it's the best course to form an alliance.

Zhao Yun: Alliance? With Wei?! Gah! My Lord, don't do it!

Liu Bei: What do you mean?

Zhao Yun: My lord, this is clearly a trap prepared by Cao Pi! You can't just believe someone like HIM! Don't do it!

Liu Bei: Pssshh, Zhao Yun! Look, this is no time to worry over such pesky matters. We need to put our priorities first!

Zhao Yun: But-

Liu Bei: Okay then. Cao Pi, I thereby agree. **shakes hands with Cao Pi**

Cao Pi: Good. With this temporary alliance, we sure will be able to get this problem solved soon. TEMPORARY.

Liu Bei: **gulps** Er….yeah.

Wang Yi: Urm…well, if this alliance's over, I can kill Ma Chao, right?

Cao Pi: Whatever you want with him.

Wang Yi: Aw, yes! Heheheheheheheeehe…

Ma Chao: Mother of god….

Guo Jia: WAAAHHH! Seriously, Xun Yu, what do I lack?! I mean, I'm pretty, handsome, smart, and nice! Why does Wang Yi prefer that justice-freak Ma Chao over me?! Waaahhh!

Xun Yu: Sigh…face it, Fengxiao, not everybody likes you, okay. Hell, the Author herself prefers Jia Xu over you. And Wang Yi wants to KILL Ma Chao, dimwit.

Guo Jia: Whaaaattt?! That's unfair! Hwaaa…what's the point of developers making me PERFECT if that's not going to win me any ladies?! Even Cai Wenji also rejects me! Argh, I can't take it anymore….

Xun Yu: Well, you still have trillions of fangirls out there. Take your pick.

Sun Quan: Hm! Liu Bei! Cao Pi!

Liu Bei and Cao Pi: Sun Quan?

Zhou Yu: Hmm….ah, so it's indeed right, my lord.

Lu Xun: They too, are missing the non-pretty boys and girls.

Liu Bei: So, it seems you have the same problem as well, eh?

Sun Quan: If it's like what Zhou Yu and Lu Xun said, then yes.

Cao Pi: Seems like the others are having this too.

Sun Quan: Yes. Here, there are only my wife, my sister, Zhou Yu, Lu Xun, Gan Ning, Daqiao, Xiaoqiao, Ling Tong, and Zhu Ran.

Sun Shangxiang: Lord Liu Bei! **hugs Liu Bei**

Liu Bei: Ah! Come on, no need to do that in front of everyone.

Sun Shangxiang: Well, it's alright. I mean, my brother and father are suddenly missing!

Daqiao: Lord Sun Ce is gone! I'm scared! Waaahhh!

Xiaoqiao: Ah, you're being a crybaby, sister. As long as I'm here, it's alright!

Sun Quan: Needless to say, we really need to form an alliance in order to solve this problem together, okay?

Liu Bei: That's pretty much what we did.

Sun Quan: Oh, I see- Wait, WHAT?!

Cao Pi: WHOA! What….what's with it?

Sun Quan: You….actually AGREED to ally yourself with Wei?!

Liu Bei: Uh, yeah. Why?

Sun Quan: I mean….wow. I thought I have to step in in order to calm the whole situation between you and Cao Pi down, but…..

Cao Pi: Hahaha…well, it's alright. We have to set aside our past mutinies and work together to achieve a greater good, right?

Sun Quan: Ah, yes, right. Well then…I will join the alliance too!

Liu Bei: Welcome to the club.

Sun Quan: Okay! Now….what shall we do first?

Suddenly, they heard a very loud laugh coming from a distance.

Liu Bei: Who's that?!

Cao Pi: …oh my god….that laugh…is familiar.

Sun Quan: Well, whatever it is, it's worth checking out. Let's go!

Everyone: YOOSH!

 ** _To Be Continued…._**

* * *

Ahhh…finally, the return of the pretty boys! The one thing that all of you have been waiting for! (Not me though :p #smack!) Well! As usual, leave a review and have a good day!


	15. Revelation, Part 1

_After the pretty boys and girls of Shu, Wu, Wei are reunited, they heard a loud laugh coming from a distance, and went to see the source (though it's pretty much obvious who was it….)…._

* * *

 _Chapter 15: Revelation, Part 1_

* * *

Liu Bei: Hmmm…oh! Over there!

Cao Pi: Hm? Ah! I knew it! Sima Yi!

Sima Shi: Dad, DAD, please, we should be more concerned about getting out of here than-

Sima Yi: NONSENSE! Listen son, I was getting SICK of having to be surrounded by those imbeciles! Only in an empty, unpopulated world like this I can start building my own ultimate empire with NO imbeciles running around! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Sima Shi: What the- ARGH! Zhao!

Sima Zhao: Hm? Eh? What?

Sima Shi: Zhao, do something! Talk our dad out of his manic delusions!

Sima Zhao: Eeehhh….well, I suppose I just follow what he wants. Can't do anything about it.

Sima Shi: WHAT?! You wanna us to be trapped here for eternity?!

Sima Zhao: Well, just look around us! These blue grids seemingly have no limits, and it would be a bother trying to find a way out of it! Besides, if we build our ultimate empire here, nobody would bother us like back in our original world, right?

Sima Shi: Gah! Tch, Yuanji! Do something about your husband!

Wang Yuanji: Eh? Well….if it's regarding Master Zhao's laziness, I can't really do much.

Sima Shi: But you're SUPPOSED to be his supervisor! Gah, is there ANYONE who wants to get out of here with me?!

Zhong Hui: Me!

Xiahou Ba: ME!

Wen Yang: Me.

Jia Chong: Me.

Sima Zhao: What the?! Jia Chong! Why do you turn against me?!

Jia Chong: That's because I'm getting real tired of your shit. Besides, if we build an ultimate empire here with no one else around that means I have no one to murder anymore.

Sima Zhao: Oh, come on! Gimme a break!

Sima Yi: Whoa, whoa, hold on there son, what are you trying to do here? Are you rebelling against your own father?!

Sima Shi: I'm sorry dad, but we won't be trapped in these blue grids! We will get out of here!

Sima Yi: What?! You imbecile! Hey! Come back here!

Sima Shi: Nuh-uh! Fuck you and your manic empire delusions! Hey, look, what is the use of bulding an empire if you have NO ONE ELSE to govern?!

Sima Yi: ….oh.

Sima Shi: God damn….sigh….

Cao Pi: Okay, okay, hold on. What's going on here?

Sima Yi: Hm? Oh! Lord Cao Pi! I'm so glad seeing you here!

Cao Pi: Yeah…I suppose.

Liu Bei: We were trying to find a way out here, so we decided to form an alliance.

Sima Shi: OH! **immediately runs over to Wei, Wu, and Shu**

Cao Pi: Eh?

Sima Yi: Huh?! Hey, SHI! What are you doing?! COME BACK HERE!

Sima Shi: Please, kind sir, allow us to join your alliance! PLEASE!

Cao Pi: Eh, um, er…

Sun Quan: But why? Your father doesn't allow you….does he?

Sima Shi: That's because my father is a freaking LUNATIC! He intends to build an ultimate empire here or some shit like that, BUT I JUST WANNA GET OUT OF HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! Please, kind sir, PRETTY PLEASE?!

Cao Pi: Eh, er…..

Sima Yi: SHI! HOW DARE YOU TO CALL ME A LUNATIC! GET BACK HERE!

Sima Shi: No, dad! That's it! I can't take this anymore!

Sima Yi: GAH! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

Sima Shi: And I don't fuck mom either!

Zhang Chunhua: **deathglares Sima Yi**

Sima Yi: Eh….err….I'm sorry honey, I really don't mean that! But, Shi! Get back right here or I'll whip your ass!

Sima Shi: Nuh-uh!

Liu Bei: Gah, guys, STOP IT! Look, can't we just resolve this peacefully?!

Sima Yi: But-

Cao Pi: Liu Bei…it's alright. I'll handle this.

Liu Bei: Cao Pi?

Cao Pi: Listen, aside from his wife, I am the only one who can smack some sense into him. Just you watch.

Liu Bei: Errr….okay.

After that, Cao Pi whispered…something to Sima Yi, and he immediately agreed to follow him finding a way out.

Cao Pi: ….see?

Sun Quan: Well, that was fast. What exactly did you say to him, anyway?

Cao Pi: Well, that's….governmental secret.

Liu Bei: Governmental secret? Wow. That's….suspicious.

Sun Quan: I know, I know.

Sima Shi: Wow, dad? NOW you're with us?

Sima Yi: Ah, yes. Sorry about that.

Sima Shi: DAD!

Cao Pi: Okay, okay, that's enough. Now, we need to think of a way of getting out of here. We need to split.

Liu Bei: Split?

Cao Pi: Yes. Well, there are four colors here, in accordance to our respective kingdoms. Shu goes west, Wu goes east, Jin goes south, and we, Wei, goes north. We'll try to see if there's some way out of here, you got it?

Everyone: Aye.

* * *

 _And so the group split into four, as Cao Pi has ordered._

 _20 minutes later…._

 _Shu_

Liu Bei: Hrmf...gee, just how big this goddamn world really is?!

Zhao Yun: I know, right. Seems like a template for a new game, if I say…

Liu Bei: New game? Hmm, kinda like that new spinoff game of you, eh?

Zhao Yun: More or less, yes…I think.

Liu Shan: Hm? Oh, what's that? **runs away**

Zhao Yun: Ah! Lord Liu Shan! Don't wander off like that! **runs after Liu Shan**

Liu Shan: Hm? What's this?

Liu Shan points at a glowing, blue rock.

Zhao Yun: Hmm? What is this?

Liu Bei: Eh? That rock seems…mysterious.

Zhao Yun: Of course. Hmm….I do have a feeling I've met this before….

Suddenly, the blue rock bursts open and reveals Lixia.

Zhao Yun: WHOA!

Lixia: GASP! Oh god…..hm? Hey, Zhao Yun! It's you!

Zhao Yun: Whoa, whoa, who the hell are you?!

Lixia: Huh?! How could you forget me?! I'm Lixia!

Zhao Yun: Lixia? …huh. You look more like an Alisa ripoff than anything else.

Lixia: Whaaaat?! Now that's just mean! I'll accompany you in your spinoff game, don't you remember?!

Zhao Yun: As far as I'm concerned we don't have robots back then. The Juggernauts are a special case, but eh….

Liu Bei: Well, the thing is, can you say where we are right now?

Lixia: Eh? Well…..we're in our own world.

Everyone: …

Zhao Yun: …..what do you mean?

Lixia: Well, we've been in our own original world, right? Nothing wrong about it.

Zhao Yun: B-but, we woke up and suddenly the buildings are gone!

Liu Bei: We have a feeling that we're just transported to somewhere else, which is this place.

Lixia: Hmm…well, since I've been sleeping for a thousand years or so I can't really comment on it.

Zhao Yun: Okay, okay, here, maybe you could show us a way out of here?

Lixia: Hm? I suppose I can…okay, follow me!

Zhao Yun: Psstt, Lord Liu Bei.

Liu Bei: Yes?

Zhao Yun: Now it's just getting REALLY weird now, isn't it?

Liu Bei: I know. Huff…I have a bad feeling about this. Take care.

* * *

 _Wu_

Lianshi: My lord, just how far we will keep on walking?

Sun Quan: Huff….I don't know. This just keeps going on, and on, and on….

Xiaoqiao: HWAAAHH! I'm tired! Can't we just sit down for a while?

Zhou Yu: Xiaoqiao, we REALLY want to. But we have to keep on going.

Xiaoqiao: But look it here! We've been walking for AGES! My legs are going to fall down before we even got to god-knows-where!

Daqiao: Huff….I became really tired too….

Lu Xun: My lord, I think it really is the best course to just rest for a while before going on.

Sun Quan: But we have to go on-

Sun Shangxiang: Brother, he's right. I mean, we really are not going to just leave two of them here, are we?

Sun Quan: Hmmf….okay, then we will rest for a while first.

Everyone: YAYYYY!

Sun Quan: BUT! There has to be two volunteers who have to keep walking forward.

Everyone: Awww….

Zhou Yu: But who are those two will be, my lord?

Sun Quan: Well, since this is a very important task, I have to carefully choose those who have the necessary talent to do it. And therefore….

Everyone: ?

Sun Quan: …we will DRAW STRAWS!

 _ **low piano key plays**_

Zhou Yu: MY LORD! FUCKING SERIOUSLY?!

Sun Quan: Well, hell yes I'm serious! Is there a reason not to?

Lu Xun: But my lord, you said that you have to choose carefully among us!

Sun Quan: Certainly! Which is why I rely on the straws. Hey, don't you dare to deny the power of the straws! The straws are never wrong!

Everyone: **sweatdrop** Err….okay…

Sun Quan: Well! What are you waiting for?!

 _And so, everyone picks their straws._

Sun Quan: Okay! So, who has the shortest straw?

Ling Tong: AAAHH! NOOOO!

Sun Quan: Yep…okay, Ling Tong! You're in!

Ling Tong: Whaaattt?! Argh, fuck it! Why in the hell I always end up picking the short straw?!

Sun Quan: Okay! Now we have to pick the other one….hmm…..

Sun Shangxiang: _(Oh, no! I picked the second shortest straw…will I have to work with him?!)_

Sun Quan: Hmm…Gan Ning, you're in.

Ling Tong: WHAT?!

Gan Ning: THE HELL?! Hey, I picked the longest straw here! Why in the hell I'm picked?!

Sun Quan: Well, I pick the ones with the shortest straw and the longest straw. Okay, no complaining. Get to work!

Ling Tong: But boss, I don't wanna work with that porcupine-haired miscreant!

Gan Ning: Me too! I don't wanna work with that lazy-ass gay giraffe either!

Ling Tong and Gan Ning: **continues insulting each other**

Sun Quan: Grrrr…..OKAY, THAT'S IT! YOU TWO! C'MERE!

Gan Ning and Ling Tong: Eh?

Sun Quan: Okay you two little motherfuckers, if you two don't obey my orders, then I'll make you do THIS… **shows a scroll depicting a NingTong yaoi doujinshi**

Gan Ning and Ling Tong: **widens eyes** …..YES! YES, MY LORD, WE'RE READY TO GO TO WORK! **bows repeatedly, then storms off**

Sun Shangxiang: Wow…that's…incredible.

Sun Quan: Hahaha…you better believe it.

Sun Shangxiang: But still, I'm kinda suspicious brother….why do you keep stuff like that, anyway?

Sun Quan: Eh, erm, it's nothing like what you think! I just keep several of these for emergencies like this…they're pretty useful to blackmail our officers into doing our orders….hohoho…

Sun Shangxiang: Oh, I see.

Sun Quan: Yeah. _(Whew! Glad that she didn't realize that I actually stole THIS from her room. All hell would break loose if she ever finds out….)_

Sun Shangxiang: _(Hmm….why does that scroll seem familiar? I feel like I actually have one of those. Hrm, brother would better never find out about this….)_

* * *

 _Back to Gan Ning and Ling Tong….._

Gan Ning: Gah, just how long will this keep on going?

Ling Tong: As far as your idiocy goes, I presume. **chuckle**

Gan Ning: HEY! The fuck did you just say about me, huh?!

Ling Tong: Well, I am simply telling the truth. I always thought that you're an idiot, but since now you denied what is undeniably TRUTH, I presume you're delusional, as well.

Gan Ning: You dare talking shit about me?! Come on! Let's settle this like a man! **equips flail**

Ling Tong: Well, you asked for it! **equips three-sectioned staff**

Gan Ning: HYAAAAHHH!

Ling Tong: HYAAAAAAHH!

?: Ah! WAIT! STOP!

Gan Ning and Ling Tong: Eh?

Lei Bin: Who are you two? And why are you fighting?

Gan Ning and Ling Tong: …..

Gan Ning: Hey.

Ling Tong: Yeah?

Gan Ning: Shall we return now?

Ling Tong: Yeah.

Gan Ning and Ling Tong: **approaches Lei Bin**

Lei Bin: Umm…hey, what are you two doing? HEY! Stop! STOP IT! AAAHHH!

.

.

.

.

.

Sun Shangxiang: You know what, I'm kinda worried about those two.

Sun Quan: Eh, they're fine. They can handle themselves.

Zhou Yu: Aren't you afraid they would start killing each other?

Sun Quan: Eh, with that blackmail, I don't think they would dare. Hahaha!

Gan Ning: Oy, boss!

Sun Quan: Whoa! Speak of the devil. You returned sooner than I thought.

Ling Tong: That's because we already have this guy.

Lei Bin: Argh…oh! Please, kind sir, you can interrogate me and torture me all I want, but don't kill me, pretty please?

Sun Quan: Err…okay. First of all, who are you?

Lei Bin: Oh, my name's Lei Bin.

Sun Quan: Lei Bin….hey, aren't you that guy from Zhao Yun's spinoff game?

Lei Bin: Er, yeah! How could you know?

Sun Quan: Well, that game's the shit, after all. Everyone are talking about it and shit….ugh. But anyway, would you please tell us what this world is?

Lei Bin: Well….it's a normal world, as far as I can tell.

Sun Quan: Normal? How can you call a world composed of NOTHING but blue grids NORMAL?!

Lei Bin: Well, as far as I know nothing has changed from this world, really. Maybe that's because I'm new, but we're not going anywhere.

Everyone: **stares at each other in confusion**

Sun Quan: Hmm….well, okay, you said that this is the very same world we've been living at, okay? But how could suddenly all these buildings disappear?

Lei Bin: I….can't really tell.

Zhou Yu: This is indeed an odd case…

Sun Quan: Hmm….okay, do you know a way where we could possibly get out of here?

Lei Bin: Hmm…well, I have this map with me. I could show you the way.

Sun Quan: That's good, then! Okay everyone, let's move out!

 _And so, the Shu and Wu managed to get help from Lixia and Lei Bin, respectively. While the two other kingdoms, Wei and Jin, are still searching the north and south of the grid world. Will the pretty boys and girls of the four kingdoms find their way out?_

 ** _To Be Continued..._**

* * *

Well, as always, please keep on reading and leave a review! Good day!


	16. Revelation, Part 2

_Chapter 16: Revelation, Part 2_

* * *

 _Wei_

Cao Pi: Hrmf…

Zhenji: Pant…pant….AWRGH! Just how LONG is this road actually?

Zhang He: Oh, my….I'm sweating so much my foundation comes off! Aaahhh!

Guo Jia: Pant…pant…my god….I'm dying….

Xun Yu: But we've only walked for five minutes.

Guo Jia: Yes, BUT LOOK AT EVERYONE ELSE! Much less a guy like ME…..

Xun Yu: Sigh…these guys are pathetic.

Guo Jia: PATHETIC?! Well, NOW you can finally be proud to be a vegan, eh?! Well, fuck you and your vegetables! YOU are pathetic because you can't eat BACONS! Ahh….goodness….even though it's bad for my heart, I don't give a fuck~

Xun Yu: **sweatdrop**

Cao Pi: …hmm? Hey, there's light emanating from there! **runs**

Zhenji: WHOA! My husband, wait!

Later….

Cao Pi: Huff…huff…we're almost- **gets knocked aside by Zhang He** WHOA!

Zhang He: **basically running while skipping** OOOHH! SUCH BEAUTIFUL LIGHT! COME TO- **runs into a wall** Owww…..

Cao Pi: Hufff….huff…huh? It's a dead end!

Guo Jia: Pant…pant…hm? Ah, no! It's not!

Cao Pi: What do you mean?

Guo Jia: Hmm…I don't know, it actually looks more like a…screen, or something.

Cao Pi: Really? **rubs the screen** Hmm…very odd, indeed…

Xun Yu: Yes…it's more like that we're inside a computer, or something.

Cao Pi: Computer? Really? **looks outside the computer** Hey, there are giants out there!

Yue Jin: Giants? WHAT! I WANNA SEE IT!

Li Dian: Eh?! Whoa, whoa! Slow down!

Cao Pi: Hm? Look, they're having a conversation…

 _"….we're going to end this series."_

 _"B-but! We can't just end the series without any rhyme or reason like that!"_

 _"Yes, we can! Look, how are we going to explain THIS to the fans, huh?! They're not going to believe us! If anything they're going to berate us all for being sloppy even though it's clearly not our fault! And besides, I decided that we really need to just end the series already. People are sick of it. And I'm sure as hell some of our fans are also!"_

 _"B-but, b-but!"_

 _"There are no buts! Added with THIS fact that we pretty much have NO ONE but pretty boys, people are not gonna take us seriously anymore. So, do as I say!"_

Everyone: **widens eyes** …..WHAAATTT?!

Cao Pi: Are they…are they SERIOUS about this?!

Zhenji: I don't know….

Guo Jia: WAAAAHHH! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!

Xun Yu: Holy shit…

* * *

 _Jin_

Sima Zhao: Aghh….how far does this road go?!

Sima Shi: Really Zhao will you EVER. STOP. BITCHING?!

Sima Zhao: Whoa! Come on brother, aren't you tired as well?!

Sima Shi: **sweating** Pant…huff…TIRED?! I…will…never be…TIRED!

Wang Yuanji: Sigh… **facepalms**

Sima Yi: Hm?! Ah, there it is! **suddenly runs**

Sima Shi: H-huh?! Hey dad, wait a minute!

Later…

Sima Yi: Hmm…oh! What is this mysterious light?

Sima Zhao: Oh gee, it kinda looks a lot like…uhh….

Jia Chong: Those ice balls that freeze you everytime you touch them?

Sima Zhao: Yes, right! You could ALWAYS guess my mind, Jia Chong!

Jia Chong: Hehehe…

Sima Shi: **sweatdrop** …eugh. THAT'S creepy.

Sima Yi: Hmm…but this ball of light is kinda suspicious….

Zhang Chunhua: You should be the one who finds out what it is, then.

Sima Yi: What?! I-I can't! It could be lethal-

Zhang Chunhua: DO IT.

Sima Yi: Y-yikes! Gulp…o-okay…. **enters hand into the portal** W-WHOA! I-it sucks! Ah! AAAHHH! **gets sucked inside**

Sima Shi and Sima Zhao: WHAAAAAA! DAAAAAADDDD!

Sima Shi: Shit, shit, shit, SHIT!

Sima Zhao: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!

Sima Shi: I DO NOT KNOWWWWW!

Diaochan: Hm? Hey, it's you guys!

Zhang Chunhua: Hm? Who are you?

Lu Lingqi: Well, I'm Lu Lingqi, daughter of Lu Bu, and I along with Diaochan and Zhurong here woke up all by ourselves this morning.

Zhurong: So we decided to look around, and…we found you here.

Sima Shi: Oh, okay, but we have a REALLY big problem here!

Diaochan: Problem? What is it?

Sima Zhao: Here, when our father put his hand in this portal, he got sucked in it!

Lu Lingqi: Oh!

Zhurong: Well, in that case….why don't WE follow him as well?

Sima Shi: What?! You crazy?! We don't know what's on the other side!

Sima Zhao: Yeah. I mean, what if it turned out to be-

Diaochan: But it's the ONLY way to know whether your father is actually fine or not!

Zhurong: Tch, what a bunch of sissies.

Sima Shi: WHAT?! YOU CALLING ME A SISSY?! Okay, fine! Zhao! **grabs Sima Zhao's hand**

Sima Zhao: Whoa, WHOA! Brother?!

Sima Shi: Let's go! Here goes nothing! **puts his hand in the portal and gets sucked in** WHOAAA!

Sima Zhao: AAAAHHH!

Wang Yuanji: AAAHHH! MASTER ZHAO! WAIT FOR ME! AAAHH!

Jia Chong: Tch, who does he think he is? Just slipping in like that…oh well. Hoop!

Zhang Chunhua: Hey, don't leave your mother alone! Hyah!

Wen Yang: Lord Sima Zhao! WAAAIIITT!

Xiahou Ba: AAAHHH! WAAIIITTT!

Zhong Hui: Hmph! Obviously, I'm not going to follow those lower-class- **grabbed by Xiahou Ba** Whoa, whoa! No touching! HEY!

Xiahou Ba: Shut up you rattail! You're coming whether you like it or not! HYAH!

Zhong Hui: HEY! WAIT! AAAHHH!

Diaochan: Hmm…well?

Lu Lingqi: Alright.

Zhurong: Let's go!

Diaochan, Lu Lingqi, and Zhurong: **jumps into the portal**

* * *

 _Later on, the forces of Shu and Wu also arrived at the portal._

Lixia: Okay…so here we are!

Zhao Yun: Hm? What is this?

Lixia: It's a portal to the outside world!

Liu Bei: Outside world? Huh….you sure it's alright?

Lixia: Well, of course! Why, you don't believe me? Huh?

Liu Bei: Yikes…yes, yes, alright!

Lei Bin: Okay, so now we finally arrived in this portal!

Sun Quan: Portal? To where?

Lei Bin: To the outside world! Trust me, it'll be fine.

Sun Quan: Eh, right…

Lei Bin: And now…OH! ZHAO YUN! LIXIA!

Lixia: Eh? OH! LEI BIN!

Lei Bin: Zhao Yun! HEY!

Zhao Yun: Eh? Who the hell are you?

Lei Bin: WHAT! How could you say that?! I'm your childhood friend! Remember?!

Zhao Yun: Childhood friend?! EW! Fuck you! I never had a wimpy nerd for a friend!

Lei Bin: Wimpy nerd… **breaks down crying**

Lixia: Hey, don't cry! Tch! ZHAO YUN! Why must you be an asshole?!

Zhao Yun: Hey! I'm simply saying the truth!

Liu Bei: Errr….so! Sun Quan, he led you to this, too?

Sun Quan: Er, yeah. You too?

Liu Bei: Yeah, I have this weird robot girl leading me all the way here.

Sun Quan: Well, this portal is supposed to lead us to the 'outside world'…I'm kinda curious…

Liu Bei: Let's just enter it, then. Hey, Zhao Yun!

Cao Pi: GUYYSSSSS! WAAAAIIITTT!

Liu Bei and Sun Quan: Huh?

Zhao Yun: Hm?

Cao Pi: Guys, I…pant…have bad, BAD NEWS!

Liu Bei: What bad news?

Cao Pi: Here guys…..KOEI IS GOING TO END THIS SERIES!

Everyone: SAY WHAAATTT?!

Zhao Yun: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! You can't be serious! I mean, as long as I'm here, there's basically no reason for them to end this series, right?!

Cao Pi: I know! Gah, this is just way too confusing.

Liu Bei: And how about Zhao Yun's very own spinoff game, then? Like this, the West won't get the game and the fans are gonna be fucking ballistic!

Cao Pi: I KNOW! Hrmpsth…..by the way, what is this?

Zhao Yun: Oh, it's a portal to the outside world.

Cao Pi: Outside world? Where is that?

Liu Bei: We don't know.

Sun Quan: But it's where these two had led us to.

Cao Pi: Hmm…know what, it might be worth of try.

Liu Bei: Exactly. Come on, let's go!

Everyone: YO!

* * *

 _So everyone (except Lixia and Lei Bin) jumped into the portal and ended up in a dark, mysterious place._

Zhao Yun: Urnf! Ouch…hey, why is it so dark here?!

Liu Bei: Ouch! Hey…it's so cramped here! Uff!

Zhao Yun: Could somebody light up the surroundings, or something?

Lu Xun and Zhu Ran: Ooohh! DID SOMEBODY SAY TO LIGHTEN UP?! **immediately lights two torches**

Sun Quan: WAAAHHH! LU XUN! ZHU RAN! IT'S DANGEROUS WHEN WE'RE CRAMPED LIKE THIS!

Lu Xun: Eh, but we're told to light up the surroundings, right?

Sun Quan: But it's just too dangerous! Argh, hand me that. Hell's gonna break loose if two of you ever play with fire….

The Shu, Wu, and Wei kingdom then went out from the cramped place to outside, where they found the world they used to live in.

Liu Bei: O-oh….we….WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Zhao Yun: Whew…thank GOD for that! I was worried if we'll ever gonna be lost forever or something….

Liu Bei: Okay then! I'll look for my brothers! **runs**

Sun Quan: Okay! Now that I'm back, I'd better go to my father and brother!

Cao Pi: And I'll go for father!

 _Suddenly, a very loud scream was heard from the Wei palace….._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?!"

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Well, sorry if this is a bit late. Regardless, please leave a review and have a good day!


	17. Revelation, Part 3

_Chapter 17: Revelation, Part 3_

* * *

Cao Pi: Huh? What's that?

Guo Jia: Sounds like Sima Yi, ain't it?

Cao Pi: Yeah. And it's coming from the Wei palace….I have a bad feeling about this. **heads towards the Wei palace**

* * *

 _Inside the Wei Palace_

Cao Pi: SIMA YI! **looks at surroundings**

Sima Yi: **jawdrop**

Cao Cao: …huh?! PI?! AND ALL OF YOU?!

Cao Pi: Huh? WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?!

Cao Cao: WHAT! HOW DARE YOU TO DESRESPECT YOUR FATHER!

Cao Pi: Father….? NO! THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY THAT COULD HAPPEN! HOW COULD YOU LOOK SO YOUNG?!

Cao Cao: I have no idea either! But…hey, now that all of you are here, everything will be just fine.

Cao Pi: How could you- argh, tch…okay, dismissing the fact that ALL of you look so goddamn PRETTY, I have BAD news here. REAL bad news.

Cao Cao: Oh, for fucks….we've already received the news that Koei's going to end the series, and now-

Cao Pi: Wait, how could've you known about that?

Cao Cao: Eh? I don't know, yesterday we suddenly heard a conversation between some Koei staffs from the sky saying that they intend to end this series…

Cao Pi: Wait a minute…that's EXACTLY how we heard the same thing!

Cao Cao: Really? You heard sounds from the sky as well?

Cao Pi: Ehhh…no. We looked out from the computer we were in and we saw it.

Cao Cao: Computer? Ah, that begs the question…..WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU ANYWAY?!

Cao Pi: Ehh?! Umm…we were in a world composed entirely of blue grids…without any building whatsoever!

Cao Cao: Eh? Hmm…now that's an odd world. Who kidnapped you?

Cao Pi: Kidnapped? Ehh…no, I'm pretty sure we weren't kidnapped.

Cao Cao: Really? Those fangirls? Fanboys?

Cao Pi: No, no no no no….

Cao Cao: I see. Huff….but even with all of you missing guys being finally here, that won't help the situation at all! We're doomed!

Cao Pi: Why?

Cao Cao: Well, just look at us! Like this, we are literally composed of ONLY pretty boys and girls! And Koei doesn't like that!

Cao Pi: Eh? Hrmf…you're right. But what could we possibly do now?

Cao Cao: I DON'T KNOW! Argh….meh, you know what, I'm sorta tired after all of these days of doing the same thing over, and over, and OVER, AND OVER, AND-

Cao Pi: Yeah, yeah, we get it Dad! But really that, you REALLY should NOT say something like that to the fans…

Cao Cao: EXACTLY! If they're mad they won't give a shit to us anymore, and so we can finally retire in peace! Hrmf…

Cao Pi: Argh…..and, Sima Yi?

Sima Yi: **continues jawdropping**

Cao Pi: **snaps fingers in front of Sima Yi** Hey, hey, HEY! Tch, Dad, what's wrong with him?

Cao Cao: Hm? Oh, he came first here to look for the remaining three of his Jin officers, and then he saw us, and…you know.

Cao Pi: That explains it. Oh well, maybe I'll just go and return him to Jin.

Cao Cao: Yeah, good.

* * *

 _Shu_

Liu Bei: MY BROTHERS! ….

Everyone inside the Shu palace: LORD LIU BEI!

Zhuge Liang: MY LORD! You….you're unharmed!

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: BROTHER!

Liu Bei: …..I…..I…..WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?!

Guan Yu: Huh? How could you not recognize us?!

Guan Ping: Huh? Hey! It's my twin! **points at Guan Yu**

Zhang Bao: Hey! That's my twin too! **points at Zhang Fei**

Guan Ping: Who are you?! Why do you impersonate us?!

Guan Yu: Gkh! HEY! I'M YOUR FATHER!

Zhang Fei: ME TOO! For you, Bao!

Zhang Bao: What the…HOW THE HELL YOU COULD BE MY FATHER?! There's no way you could be as handsome as me! My father is ugly as- **smacked by Zhang Fei**

Zhang Fei: Grrr….HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT YOUR FATHER!

Liu Bei: Whoa, wait….Guan Yu? Zhang Fei? And Zhuge Liang? THAT is YOU?!

Zhuge Liang: My lord, I know it's hard to explain, but-

Liu Bei: …..no. No WAY!

Zhuge Liang: My lord, please listen-

Liu Bei: GYAAAHHH! This can't be happening…NO! IT HAS HAPPENED! AAAAAGGHHH!

Zhuge Liang: MY LORD! God, damn! Just LISTEN TO ME!

Liu Bei: Aaaahhhh- Oh right Zhuge, what is it?

Zhuge Liang: Good lord… **facepalms** Okay, so, after a couple of days after you and a bunch other pretty boys and girls disappeared, we were suddenly transformed into pretty boy version of ourselves, got it?

Liu Bei: The fuck? Who did it?

Zhuge Liang: We have NO idea.

Liu Bei: Sigh….oh well. At least we're at home now, and I'm happy enough for that.

Zhuge Liang: What? My lord, haven't you heard what Koei is planning?

Liu Bei: What?

Zhuge Liang: They're planning to end this series.

Liu Bei: WHAT! Well, shit! It's just like what Cao Pi said!

Zhuge Liang: Cao Pi?

Liu Bei: Yeah…he said that he saw two Koei staffs planning to end this series.

Zhuge Liang: Well, shit….I suppose that if we don't want this series to end, we need to ask him.

Liu Bei: Ask him what?

Zhuge Liang: Ask him about those Koei staffs conversation. Maybe he knows something we don't…

* * *

 _Wu_

Sun Quan and Sun Shangxiang: BROTHER! FATHER! **runs to hug Sun Ce and Sun Jian respectively**

Sun Ce and Sun Jian: GASP! QUAN! SHANGXIANG!

Sun Quan: I'm so glad to be able to reunite with you guys….hmm? Wait a minute….HEY! YOU'RE NOT SUN CE! Wait a minute….YI?! IS THAT YOU?!

Sun Ce: What? No, NO! Listen Quan-

Sun Quan: But that is not even possible! You're still a generic!

Sun Ce: QUAN! IT'S ME, SUN CE!

Sun Quan: What? Wait….BROTHER?!

Sun Shangxiang: And…gasp! Father, what happened to your face?!

Sun Jian: Long story. And, huff…know what, let us all set aside all of this nonsense and just live peacefully, okay. You are all here, safe and sound, so we don't have anything to worry about anymore.

Sun Quan: Father?

Sun Jian: Look, son….we are all here. So while together, we'd better just spend our moments well while we can.

Sun Shangxiang: Why is that? You sound like the apocalypse is near.

Sun Jian: That's because it IS. Sigh…you haven't heard? Koei's going to end this series.

Sun Quan: WHAT! But that's impossible! They can't just end it like that!

Sun Ce: We know…but alas, our sudden bishification is the reason why they want to end this series.

Sun Shangxiang: What?! They can't just decide it according to their own asses! We have to do something!

Sun Jian: Shangxiang, we want to, okay, we REALLY want to…but hell, if we can't figure out who made us like this, how can we figure out the way to save this series?

Sun Shangxiang: But…

Sun Jian: Enough. Huff…we've been in so many ups and downs in this series but if it's Koei's decision to end all of it….then so be it.

* * *

 _Jin_

Zhuge Dan: AAHHH! It's sure nice to be back to this place!

Deng Ai: Indeed.

Guo Huai: At least now that we're together, we don't have anything to worry about anymore.

Everyone else: **stares at the three awkwardly**

Guo Huai: Eh, umm….what?

Sima Zhao: Ehhh….

Sima Shi: No, no really….

Jia Chong: It's just that the fact that you don't cough for every like 5 milliseconds…

Wang Yuanji: …is a little off-putting.

Zhong Hui: WHAT! How the hell can Deng Ai be somehow as pretty as me now?! This is unforgivable!

Xiahou Ba: Pfftt, I told you you were never THAT special to begin with.

Zhong Hui: What the-

Cao Pi: Oy.

Sima Shi: Hm? Oh, Cao Pi. And….whoa! What's with father?

Cao Pi: Well…reasons. I came here to bring him back.

Sima Zhao: Errr….okay.

Zhuge Liang: **suddenly enters the room** Sorry, but one moment please?

Cao Pi: WHOA! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

Zhuge Liang: Eh? Oh, right….I'm Zhuge Liang.

Cao Pi: Zhuge Liang…. **scans Zhuge Liang from head to toe** ….so, you had the same thing as my father?

Zhuge Liang: More or less, yeah.

Cao Pi: Heh. So, what business do you have here?

Zhuge Liang: Ah, em, actually, I'd like to ask you about that conversation the two Koei staffs had.

Cao Pi: Oh, you mean when they intended to end this series?

Zhuge Liang: Yes, yes. How exactly did you somehow (over)hear their conversation?

Cao Pi: Hmm…well, we walked down the road for so long…and then we came across the limit, aka the computer screen.

Zhuge Liang: Computer screen?

Cao Pi: Yes. And then we just saw the two Koei staffs and heard their plans to end this series.

Zhuge Liang: Hmm….ah….right! I see! Well then, thank you for your help. And….Sima Yi? What is he doing on the floor like that?

Cao Pi: Eh….he was just too terrified from the truth…yeah. Basically.

Zhuge Liang: Oh….. **kicks Sima Yi lightly**

Sima Shi: HEY! THAT'S MY FATHER YOU'RE KICKING!

Zhuge Liang: Hmmm….no reaction. I guess it really was THAT bad, huh. Oh well, better be going.

Cao Pi: Hey, where are you going?

Zhuge Liang: **turning around dramatically** TO SAVE THIS SERIES. **Runs**

Everyone: ….

* * *

 _So, Zhuge Liang went all the way to the north of the map, where he stumbled upon the limit of the world: the computer screen._

Zhuge Liang: Huff….so, it's just exactly like what Cao Pi said. Hm… **looks outside** Ah, there's someone out there…

Zhuge Liang looked outside to see who could have possibly kidnapped the (non-)pretty boys and separated them from the pretty boys.

 _"…..okay, now I maybe have to insert it like this, and…"_

Zhuge Liang: Huh? Who the hell is that? He looks rather….crazy.

 _"Oh well! It's all done! Now, I just have to ornate this with the non-pretty DW characters I have kidnapped from Koei HQ! Hahaha!"_

Zhuge Liang: …what the fuck? So he actually kidnapped US, not the pretty boys?! Tch...what does he want?

 _"Now, if I do this, maybe Koei will realize that the pretty boys are fucking POINTLESS! This way, the fandom is going to appreciate the non-pretty underrated characters more and maybe THAT'LL make Koei to stop whoring out their boys!"_

Zhuge Liang: So he did all of this just for THAT?!

 _"Hohohoho…..you're a genius! Hm? Oh, dinner's ready!"_

Zhuge Liang: What the….huff, so it's ALL clear! But still, he hasn't discovered our bishification yet? Maybe that'll make him to be disgusted at us and then deciding to throw us into the trash or something….argh, fuck, nevermind. Now, the only thing we need to focus on right now is to find a way to reverse our bishification, then we'll go back to Koei and-

 _Suddenly, he saw a large light beam coming from the south._

Zhuge Liang: What the hell is that?! Tch, please, not another goddamn transformation! …well, since it's not far from here, maybe I could check out what that's supposed to be.

 _So, Zhuge Liang ran to the south to see what the large light beam is. Little did he know about the upcoming disaster…_

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

* * *

Well, we're a bit nearing the end here. Please leave a review and have a good day!


	18. At the last goddamn minute

_Chapter 18: At the last goddamn minute_

* * *

 _Zhuge Liang ran all the way into the south to look into the light beam. Upon arriving, he found two young men in wizard robes conducting a ritual._

Zhuge Liang: Pant…pant…HEY!

Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao: **turns around and widens eyes** ….ooohhh shittt…

Zhuge Liang: Who…WHO ARE YOU GUYS?! Wait a minute….Taigong Wang? Is that you?

Zuo Ci: SHIT! What are we gonna do?!

Zhang Jiao: Relax, relax! He hasn't discovered yet…it'll be alright, trust me. Let's just focus on the ritual!

Zhuge Liang: Ritual?! What are you two planning?! Hey, wait a minute…..ZUO CI?! ZHANG JIAO?!

Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao: AAAHHH!

Zhuge Liang: I….I KNEW IT! SO YOU TWO HAVE BEEN PLANNING SOMETHING SHADY ALL ALONG!

Zuo Ci: Gakh! Please Zhuge Liang, this isn't what you think it is!

Zhang Jiao: We are merely trying to help you!

Zhuge Liang: Help?! What kind of help, huh?! You goddamned shady wizards!

Zuo Ci: PLEASE! Look, we are genuinely trying to help you in this pretty boy crisis…

Zhang Jiao: So we turned you into pretty boys!

Zhuge Liang: WHAT THE FUCK?! So, it was YOU all along! But that was barely help! Due to your shady antics, Koei actually planned to end this goddamn series!

Zuo Ci: We had no idea…

Zhuge Liang: ARGH! Okay...I don't care whatever ritual you're planning right now, BUT YOU HAVE TO STOP IT AND RETURN US TO NORMAL!

Zhang Jiao: PLEASE! Just give us one more chance, JUST ONE MORE!

Zhuge Liang: NO! No no no and NO! DO IT OR I'LL SMACK YOUR ASS!

Zuo Ci: Yikes! Zhang Jiao!

Zhang Jiao: I know, I KNOW! Just a little bit! HYAH!

Then, the beam of light grew bigger.

Zuo Ci: Oh!

Zhang Jiao: Ah! THIS IS IT! OUR LAST SALVATION!

Zhuge Liang: GAH! YOU MOTHERFUCK-

 _Then, the beam blasted the entire land._

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Zhuge Liang: Grrrhhh….huff…what…what happened?

Zuo Ci: Hrrmmhh….GASP! ZHANG JIAO!

Zhang Jiao: Ehrmm….eh? What?

Zuo Ci: The ritual…the ritual worked!

Zhang Jiao: Really? ...oh, YOU'RE RIGHT!

Zhuge Liang: Hm? Hey, wait a minute…. **widens eyes** …..no…NO….you can't POSSIBLY be serious…

Zuo Ci: Eh?

Zhang Jiao: Trust us, Zhuge Liang, this is for our own good!

Zhuge Liang: NO WAY! I mean…WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY ARE YOU TWO YOUNG GIRLS NOW?!

Zuo Ci: Well, maybe you should take a look at yourself, then.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, no…. **looks at his own body** ….I'M A YOUNG GIRL AS WELL NOW?! WHAT THE HELL?! No…you two. YOU FUCKING TWO. What, what is your motive?! WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS?!

Zuo Ci: I told you before, we were trying to help.

Zhuge Liang: Well, FUCK NO! YOU'RE NOT HELPING IN THE SLIGHTEST! Being bishified is bad enough….BUT THIS!

Zhang Jiao: Now, now, you don't understand. We found that if pretty boys don't work, then young girls will definitely do, then!

Zuo Ci: Yeah! I mean, everyone loves young girls!

Zhuge Liang: But, for fucks! Sigh…you don't understand the whole thing with the Qiaos! Now that pretty much THE ENTIRE CAST are young girls…

Zuo Ci: Eh, the Qiaos are TOO young, but this is alright.

Zhuge Liang: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY GODDAMN POINT! Look, turn us back to normal. NOW.

Zhang Jiao: Eh, come on, so soon? I mean, we haven't seen the reaction from the Koei staffs yet. Who knows if they ended up liking-

Zhuge Liang: THAT'S BECAUSE WE WERE ALL KIDNAPPED!

Everyone: …..

Zuo Ci: Kidnapped?

Zhang Jiao: I thought that the pretty boys were the ones kidnapped, not us.

Zhuge Liang: I- hrmf….okay, I know that this is hard to explain, but…. **advances towards Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao**

Zuo Ci: ….wait, what are you doing to us? Hey! STOP IT!

Zhang Jiao: Sigh…well, good 'ol memories…

* * *

 _Shu_

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Liu Bei: Guys….what….WHAT HAPPENED TO US?!

Guan Yu: DON'T ASK US!

Zhang Fei: My god…this feels a HELLA LOT more awkward than before…

Zhao Yun: WAAAHHHH! Why….why do I have boobs?! AND I SOUND LIKE A YOUNG GIRL!

Ma Chao: My goodness…so THIS is what has finally came from all of those Rule 63 fanarts, huh?

Jiang Wei: And don't forget that April Fools joke with Wei Yan….

Ma Dai: Well, DAMN! But since I'm also a girl I can't do anything…sigh…

Liu Bei: Sigh…where is Zhuge Liang anyway? I hope he's alright…okay, maybe not completely alright considering our sudden transformation but you get my idea.

* * *

 _Wei_

Xiahou Dun: ARGH! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Cao Cao: My dear Dunny boy, I WOULD fuck you in that form, but this is simply not the time for that.

Xiahou Dun: THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING POINT! AND YOU TURNED INTO A GIRL YOURSELF!

Cao Cao: Oh…..right.

Xiahou Dun: Like, SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE HELL?! DOES KOEI WANT TO CAST US IN IKKITOUSEN OR KOIHIME MUSOU OR SOMETHING?! I know I've complained about being turned into a pretty boy, but even THAT was FAR BETTER than THIS! At least I was still a man!

Cao Cao: Well…who knows if Koei really wants to make an Ikkitousen or Koihime Musou spinoff. They're practically desperate enough to do that already. Heh…the Rule 63 Dynasty Warriors. Interesting.

Xiahou Dun: COUSIN! Seriously, why do you just accept this sort of humiliation upon us?! This is not the time to talk nonsense like that! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

Cao Cao: Whoa, chill out! I mean, at least it doesn't hurt us! Infact, I'd say that this is a lot more fun than being a guy-

Xiahou Dun: COUSIN!

Zhang He: AH! I love this newer, more BEAUTIFUL form of mine!

Cao Cao: …at least it doesn't make a difference in Zhang He's case.

Guo Jia: WAAAHHH! Why must I be turned into a girl now?! I can't hit on the pretty girls now…sigh…

Xun Yu: Well, look at the positive side. At least if you ever felt gay towards someone, you can now have a crush on them without being suspicious-

Guo Jia: BUT THEY ALSO GET TURNED INTO GIRLS AS WELL!

Xun Yu: Oh…right. But hey, at least before, you only have 16 girls to hit on. Now you have 82 girls to hit on!

Guo Jia: But I'll look so gay doing it!

Xun Yu: Well, at least do it subtly.

Guo Jia: Hrrrnnggghhh….

* * *

 _Wu_

Sun Quan: HWAAAHHHH!

Sun Ce: Whoa! Quan, why are you crying?

Sun Quan: THAT'S BECAUSE THIS FORM IS SCARRING MY MANLY PRIDE! HWAAAHHH! I WANNA GET TURNED INTO A GUY AGAIN, NOT THIS!

Sun Ce: But hey, c'mon! At least look at the bright side! When we were guys, we have to wear all this stiff armor and shit, but now as girls, we can run around the battlefield half-naked without looking weird! I feel so free! I've been wanting to do this even since I was a kid, you know?

Sun Quan: BROTHER! How the hell can you think that THAT'S a GOOD thing?!

Sun Ce: Errrmmm….because it is?

Sun Quan: HWAAAHHH!

Sun Ce: Hey, HEY!

Zhou Yu: Hmm…now this is weird. Everyone else has been turned into girls, but only I, Lu Xun, and Ling Tong remain unchanged.

Lu Xun: Uhh…Zhou Yu, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?

Zhou Yu: Eh….right. I suppose the only change we got was this big chest.

Sun Shangxiang: Huff…this is really bad! Is there anything we could do?

Sun Jian: I suppose not. Sigh…know what, I practically don't give a flying fuck at this point. They want to turn us into whatever they want, I don't care. I'm just tired.

Sun Shangxiang: Huff…now, what the hell are we going to do?

Sun Ce: RUN HALF-NAKED ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD! WOO-HOO!

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Sun Ce: Erm….hey, it's fun! I mean, when we were guys, we can't do that sort of shit with all the numerous layers of armor and shit. Now that we're girls, we can run around half-naked without looking weird! Only girls get to pull that off!

Sun Shangxiang, Daqiao, Xiaoqiao, and Lianshi: Grrr…. **approaches Sun Ce**

Sun Ce: Ermm…what? Hey, come on, come on, there's no need to be all pissed about that! Chill out! Hehe, HEY! AH! Shangxiang! Daqiao! Hey, stop it! AAHH! Okay, okay, I'm sorry, okay! Stop it! STOP IT!- GYAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

 _ **BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!**_

.

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.

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 _Jin_

Sima Yi: HUWAAAAAHHHHHH! What…what, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BODY?! AH! And….and my voice! Why, why do I sound like a woman?! This can't be! THIS CAN'T BE!

Zhang Chunhua: Ohohoho…my, Yi, you actually look quite cute this way…

Sima Yi: S-shut up Chunhua! Wait…how come you still look normal? I mean, if I get turned into a girl that means you have to turn into a dude, right?! If not then this will look INCREDIBLY awkward!

Sima Shi: Aaahh! What….what's with this form?! I have boobs! BOOBS!

Sima Zhao: Eh, I think it's alright, sister. Just imagine like they're baozi.

Sima Shi: Baozi? ….hmmmmmm, baozi…. **holds her (his?) boobs and sniffs it**

Sima Zhao: Err….yeah. Just make sure you don't end up eating it. But by the way, sister, don't you think that it's a bit weird now?

Sima Shi: What?

Sima Zhao: I mean, look. Father's been turned into a girl as well, but mother remained female. So…does this mean we have two mothers now?

Sima Shi: Yeah, you're right….maybe we should call father Mother No. 2?

Sima Zhao: Err…yeah, probably.

* * *

 _Other_

Lu Bu: Okay, THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO KILL THOSE KOEI FUCKERS FOR THIS!

Chen Gong: Aaahh! My lady, please don't be hasty!

Lu Bu: YOU DARE SPEAK AGAINST ME, CHEN GONG?! AND DON'T CALL ME 'MY LADY' EITHER! CALL ME 'MY LORD'!

Chen Gong: AAAHHH! Y-y-yes, MY LORD!

Lu Lingqi: Dad, dad, please calm down-

Lu Bu: YOU TOO, LINGQI! Like, seriously….I am supposed to be the strongest warrior alive and they DARED to make me a slutty female?!

Diaochan: But at least this means we can do different things!

Lu Bu: What do you mean, Diaochan?

Diaochan: Well, look at you. Now that you're a girl, the enemies aren't gonna be so intimidated of you. Instead, you have to do the same thing as me: distracting them.

Lu Bu: Distracting them? How?

Diaochan: Ohohoho….I'll show you. Come here. **drags Lu Bu inside their room**

Chen Gong and Lu Lingqi: **sweatdrop**

Lu Lingqi: Psstt, Chen Gong.

Chen Gong: Hm?

Lu Lingqi: What do you think they will be doing there? I…have a bad feeling about this…

Chen Gong: Me too. Given that La- ehem, LORD Lu Bu hasn't met Diaochan for a long time, we probably should hope for the best…

* * *

 _Shu_

Zhao Yun: AAAHH! Lord Liu Bei, SERIOUSLY! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOOO?!

Liu Bei: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Huff…just where Zhuge Liang is when we need him-

Zhuge Liang: **suddenly enters the room while dragging Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao**

Everyone: GASP!

Liu Bei: Speak of the devil. ZHUGE LIANG! **runs into and hugs Zhuge Liang**

Zhuge Liang: OOF! Mmfff….My….Lord…

Liu Bei: Oh! I'm sorry. And….Zuo Ci? Zhang Jiao? Why did you bring them here?

Zhuge Liang: We'll talk about that later. First of all, I'd like to report my observations.

Zhao Yun: Oh? What is it?

Zhuge Liang: Here….just like how Cao Pi discovered the conversation between two Koei staffs by looking out the computer screen, I did the same thing and discovered that the pretty boys weren't kidnapped. Infact, WE, were kidnapped.

Everyone except for the pretty boys and girls: GASP!

Zhao Yun: I see…so THAT'S what Lixia meant!

Liu Bei: And then what?

Zhuge Liang: Well, it turns out that the guy who kidnapped us intended to use us in various DW merchandise instead of you, the pretty boys. He supposedly wanted to do this in order to raise our popularity, but even Wei Yan could figure out that that plan simply won't work.

Wei Yan: HEY!

Zhuge Liang: And now, since we were all turned into girls thanks to the actions of these two fuckers, **points at Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao** He will realize that his plan has failed and thus will attempt to delete us and this entire world.

Everyone: GASP!

Liu Bei: De…de…DELETING US?!

Zhao Yun: What should we do, then?! Surely we can't let him do that!

Zhuge Liang: Simple. Inform the others about this, and then we have to force these two into turning us back to normal. **points at Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao**

Zuo Ci: What? What do you mean?

Zhuge Liang: Well…I'm about to break into a long strings of profanities since you two are really at fault for this whole fucking thing, but since we're running out of time I'm going to make this plain and simple: Turn us back into normal.

Zhang Jiao: Eh?! Ehem, I'm sorry, but we can't!

Zhuge Liang: The fuck do you mean you can't?!

Zuo Ci: Yeah…because it's obvious you can't see the miracle behind this. This, to be honest, is FAR better than our previous forms! You like it too, I know it!

Zhuge Liang: Grrr! Okay, then let's see if you still believe in miracles after THIS, you son of a bitch! **kicks Zuo Ci's groin**

Everyone: GASP!

Zuo Ci: ….aaakkkhhh….GYAAAAAAAUUUUUHHHHHH…

Zhao Yun: …hm? Hey, wait a minute…my voice returned to normal!

Liu Bei: Really? Hey, me too!

Zhuge Liang: Hm? ….oh, I see! So the secret of your shitty magic is in your groin, and kicking them would reverse this curse…..

Zhang Jiao: **stares while horrified** …..no…no, NO! DON'T!

Zhuge Liang: **devilishly smirks** YES. DO. **kicks Zhang Jiao's groin**

Zhang Jiao: YAAAAAAHHHHH!

Zhuge Liang: Good. Now….oh! We gained our dicks back!

Zhao Yun: Now, isn't it weird having boobs AND dicks at the same time? I feel a bit uncomfortable….

Liu Bei: Yeah. It's practically like that one guy from Wei….

Zuo Ci: Ngghh…okay, OKAY, you've found a way to reverse this curse, BUT PLEASE, DON'T KICK OUR BALLS SOME MORE!

Zhang Jiao: Yeah…hrrgghhh….we're sorry…we'll conduct a proper ritual to reverse this…please…

Zhuge Liang: Well, I did say that we don't have enough time left, so…

Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao: **widens eyes** Oh no….

Zhuge Liang: HYAH! **kicks Zuo Ci's balls**

Zuo Ci: UOOOHHHH!

Zhao Yun: Hey! We lost our boobs!

Zhuge Liang: Great! One more! **kicks Zhang Jiao's balls**

Zhang Jiao: WAAAAHHHHH!

Liu Bei: Hey…we gained our manly faces back!

Zhuge Liang: Great! We all managed to turn back into dudes!

Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao: Gah….except…FOR US!

Zhuge Liang: Okay…now that we have dealt with this curse, we all have to wait for the others to come.

Liu Bei: The others?

 _Soon after, the people of the kingdoms Wei, Wu, Jin, and Other came all the way to the Shu palace._

Cao Cao: Pant, pant….ZHUGE LIANG!

Sun Quan: You, you…

Sima Yi: YOU SAVED US ALL!

Zhuge Liang: Ah, good! All of you are finally here!

Cao Cao: Man…that transformation was sure weird. But hey, we're all dudes again!

Zhuge Liang: Yes, yes. Now, we have to immediately go out from here and escape.

Sun Quan: Escape?

Zhuge Liang: Yes. Didn't I tell you everything in that letter? We will go back to the Koei computer, through the portal the pretty boys used to go here.

Sima Yi: Ah, I see. But still…why isn't Lu Bu here yet?

Zhuge Liang: Lu Bu?

Lu Bu: **enters the room** Oh, sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?

Everyone: **stares at Lu Bu with a horrified expression**

"HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lu Bu: Eh? What…what's wrong with everybody? HEY!

Chen Gong: L-lord Lu Bu…it's….it's your…

Lu Bu: It's my what? Huh?

Diaochan: **suddenly comes in** MY LORD! I TOLD YOU TO REMOVE THAT BIKINI FIRST!

Lu Bu: Diaochan? OH! RIGHT! MY MISTAKE!

Lu Lingqi: Great, dad. You've succeeded in burning the eyes of everyone present here.

Lu Bu: Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry!

 _A couple minutes later…_

Zhuge Liang: So, ehem…sorry for the inconvenience. So, as I have told you in that letter I sent to you, we have to immediately get out of here to go to the portal back to the Koei computer. Now, move out everybody!

Everyone: YO! **runs out of the palace**

* * *

 _Meanwhile, at the real world…._

 _"Ba-didum-didum, now it's time to check my beloved DW…HUH?! What is this?! Why…why is there pretty boys here?! I'm pretty goddamn sure I didn't kidnap them! Ah, shit…now I lost my interest….fuck it, I'll just delete it then."_

* * *

 _Back in the DW world, suddenly there is an earthquake, and the world suddenly began to fall apart._

Everyone: GASP!

Zhuge Liang: What, what's wrong?!

Cao Cao: **looks upward** Oh, SHIT! The world is getting deleted!

Zhuge Liang: Oh, no! QUICK! Everybody, run as fast as you can to the east!

Everyone: YES!

And so, the entire DW cast did their best trying to outrun the deleting world, up until Zhuge Liang realized something…

Zhuge Liang: …wait a minute! If we leave this place then the buildings are gonna get deleted, too!

Liu Bei: Maybe we could just bring them in too?

Zhuge Liang: BUT HOW?! …oh wait, I got an idea! ZUO CI! ZHANG JIAO!

Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao: Errgghh….WHAT?!

Zhuge Liang: Use your magic to create a tornado to suck the buildings in that portal! Quick!

Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao: What?! YOU CRAZY!

Zhuge Liang: You sure it's crazier than me trying to kick your balls again?!

Zuo Ci and Zhang Jiao: Yikes! Okay, OKAY! HYAH!

And so, the two wizards succeeded in creating a massive tornado that sucked the entire buildings, following the DW cast. The moment they reached the portal….

Zhuge Liang: EVERYBODY! JUMP!

Everyone: HYAAAAAHHHHHHH!

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 _The next day_

 _In the Koei HQ, the two Koei staffs are shown talking._

 _"So?"_

 _"Well, it was Suzuki-san's decision. We can't fight it."_

 _"But we just can't let it go! I mean…it's been my dream and passion…FOR 15 YEARS! **sobs** I just can't leave my beloved babies forever…"_

 _"Let them go, bro. Just let them go…"_

 _" **sobs** Alright then. But at least, I'd like to see them for one last time….GASP! HEY! BRO! BRO! CHECK THIS OUT!"_

 _"Eh? What's it?"_

 _"Look…LOOK AT IT HERE! THE ENTIRE CAST IS BACK!"_

 _"WHAT? But…but how can they suddenly come back here?! I thought most of them are gone-"_

 _"Ah, that doesn't matter right now! I mean, Suzuki-san will only end the series if there are too many pretty boys around, right? Now that the non-pretty boys are back, he won't end the series! HAHA!"_

 _"Hey, hey, what's all the fuss here?"_

 _"Suzuki-san!"_

 _"Ah! AH! Suzuki-san, here, check it out!"_

 _"Hmm? WHAT! The entire cast are back again?!"_

 _"Haha, YEAH! This means that you won't end the series, right? Eh? EH?"_

 _"This is….how….who did this?"_

 _"We don't exactly know, boss."_

 _"But that doesn't matter! Please Suzuki-san, with this you'll continue the series, right?"_

 _"Hmm…."_

 _"RIGHT?"_

 _"Hmm…well, I suppose this is fine enough to continue the series."_

 _"WOO-HOO! Thank you so much Suzuki-san! I LOVE YOU! SMOOCH!"_

 _"GAH! Well, not with a goddamn kiss! Tch…"_

 _"Hahaha….man, this is awesome!"_

 _"Yeah, yeah…but keep in mind that this means you have to take your job seriously and not goof around, understand?"_

 _"Aye aye, cap'n! Hahahahaha! Okay, now we have to plan for overseas release of Eiketsuden, eh? Hmm, let's see…"_

 _ **THE END**_

* * *

WHEW! Hot damn, man….IT'S FINALLY COMPLETED! I worked on this fic for over a month, and I'm so happy I was able to finally complete it. Thank you so much for reading this fic to the end, guys! Good day!

NB: Oh, and that whole 'Lu Bu in a bikini' thing was taken from San Three Kingdoms Comic panel 89.


End file.
